Hello to all. I've been here on Susan's a while now. I hope I give the impression of being a positive, supportive person, because that's really who I am and have always been, but I have to get some stuff out of my head. Some may not sound very nice, but I don't intend to offend anyone. Still these are honest feelings and I've tried really hard to get rid of the emotional baggage that has been attached to them so I could try and be clear.
The onset of my dysphoria was fast and strong and recent, with none of the usual behaviors that can predict this situation, yet in a few years of awakening and barely over half a year of actual ownership and opening to the world I have transitioned to full time and in a few weeks will be undergoing srs and ffs. Hate to say it, but that's typically me. My wife has been really great on the surface, but I'm way more intuitive than she is and I have always been able to tell there was a storm brewing in her mind and the kindness she showed was genuine, but something was missing, she was having a very hard time with this. I don't know if she has been in denial about this, thought it would just work itself out and go away, or somehow she could talk me out of this or maybe all of that, but I finally have an answer to things I needed to know. She cares for me, but the love we had is gone. She would stay with me, mostly as a matter of security and convenience, as girl friends, but physical contact other than a light kiss or maybe a friend hug, is out. In public, it's basically keep a foot away under all circumstances. She wants to move back to Wisconsin where my youngest son and grand daughter are, and her two brothers. This is partly because of the closeness that she feels these relationships will give her as our is waning, and the support she thinks her friends up there will give also as she sees me as the problem and no matter how genuine and impartial my attempt to help is, my motives are always in question. This is my disappointment and though my heart is broken, I was always afraid she wasn't strong enough to do this.
My anger is this, when people consider their relationships with people they have loved that have been changed , such as amputees, war injuries, fire victims, car wrecks, etc. why is it people can still say they love those people, but it's seems to be so hard for us even though we are whole and complete? I know that those examples of physically changing injuries don't always work out either, but society considers those types of changes to be socially acceptable and persons continuing to give love and care are elevated to hero status, "that's so wonderful they are still together in spite of all they have to deal with" and neighbors and friends support and encourage the continuation of the loving relationship. I don't see that with us at all. I'm sick to death of hearing just give more time, there needs to be a period of mourning, it's just like a death, they are experiencing a loss. Hogwash. That's hetero normative psychobabbel designed to marginalize us and to get people who know us thinking that we somehow have disappeared from sight and should be mourned and forgotten. It's crap designed to keep from losing another believer, just more koolaid they want you to drink. Look, if you file a claim with an insurance company, or a loss or injury claim in court, you have to, in fact, prove that a loss did, indeed, occur. I challenged my wife to write down on a piece of paper just what loss she can prove. I have denied her nothing, I still do everything I used to (taxes, earn money, all house and vehicle maintenance, personal protection, financial planning, etc.), I have told her that this does not diminish my love for her at all, in fact, as I become ever more complete, physically and spiritually, I am more able to give and love than ever before. The loss would seem to be loss of status, socially, as the biggest item. No matter how this is played, this will always be my fault. If we stay together, they will smile to our faces, but always say, "I don't know how she can stay in a relationship like that, Is she a lesbian?" If we part it will be "Good for her, I could NEVER have stayed in a relationship like that". I think the sociological imprinting is indelible and barely felt, but very deep in most people. I have always been outside the lines as long as I can remember, any attempt to imprint me was wasted. I knew I didn't fit from day one, I just didn't know HOW. As for mourning, I pushed on my wife's fore arm and said, "there, you can feel me, I DID NOT DIE, I AM NOT DEAD. You can hear me, you can see me, I'm not gone, I am not a ghost!" I have held my hand out, but there are no takers.
The proud part is that I know who I am, my spirit is stronger than ever. I asked my wife if she would really be satisfied with the rest of her life in a platonic relationship. She said yes, it's mostly about the benefits of being room mates as opposed to living singly. I feel sad that she doesn't think more of herself than that. It's not about "sex", the act. It's about what "sex" is really about and although orgasms are fun, that's the least of it. What it has always been about for me and us for the most part was that being naked with each other represented a complete openness and trust. It says all of me is here for you, nothing is held back, I trust that you will not hurt me and I promise will not hurt you. And when you get tired and collapse into each others arms and melt into each other, that's what I love and I want and need and I can't imagine anyone accepting security for a life devoid of the one truly valuable thing on this planet. However convenient it might be, I don't think I could live without this. It would be denying myself the very thing I'm more capable of than ever now that I am becoming truly complete. I'm too proud of the battles I have been fighting and winning (albeit at great cost) ever to go back into a box. And it's not just my wife, I feel much the same about any of the people I know, I won't accept a compromise relationship, not with all I know and all I have to give, I'm worth more than that.
So what next? I find myself complete and happy and with so much I want to share......and alone. I truly think there is more to this than I am aware of at this point. Painful as it is, maybe room has to be made for something yet to come. Do I migrate to "LBGT" friendly cities? Have we created our own ghetto's within this country and key cities just as the Blacks, Jews, Irish and other marginalized groups have. The Chinatowns, Little Italy's? Do we have to congregate with our "own kind" to find acceptance and those that might see deeper than what clothes we wear to see "us"? All this crap has been floating around in my head and I had to get it out. Still, it is not lost on me that in spite of my whining, I'm incredibly lucky to be able to transition as I have. I have read posts from my sisters that aren't fortunate enough to be in good health and for that or another reason, might actually be unable to transition, even a little, without risking their life. Or reading about the abuse some have had to suffer at the hands of ignorance and masculinity. The things I think of as problems are nothing compared to what these women are dealing with and I know it and my heart goes out to them. Thank you for allowing me to get this out at this critical stage in my development, and thank you to those of you who I know a bit better and have been so kind to me. Hugsl, Toni
