need help. THis was totally unexpected!

[Jessica_Rose]

Yesterday I was feeling a little depressed. I did not know what it was. Today I was feeling better, but still a bit odd, Then it finally hit me when I got to work. I just can't hide any more. I wrote this in my coming out letter to my parents, they don't know yet...

One day soon it will be time to say 'goodbye' to my former self, and 'hello' to a world where I can live openly as the woman I have always been. I spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time for me to release my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose.

This was totally unexpected. I did not truly think it would happen like this. Today it hit me hard. Jessica Rose needs to come out. She can't hide anymore. I am not ready, I just don't know what to do anymore. I am crying, and hyperventilating.

[Faith]

Once you can verbalize to yourself, you are ready. Your fear of not being ready is because the reaction you may receive.

ever forward

[Jessica_Rose]

I had to go back to my office. I had a hard time driving. I am literally numb. I'm shaking. This is amazing, awesome and frightening all at once! My God, I have never felt like this before.

[Jessica]

Jessica, you have crossed so many bridges so far.  Yes this may be hard at first for them, but life would be harder on you if you don't.  Sit down gather your wits, have some tea and catch your breath.  We all love you and hope you can find your courage that we know is there.

((Hugs)) from another Jessica

[Jessica_Rose]

This is truly amazing and wonderful. I cannot believe it hit me like this. I'm trying to calm down. But it's really hard.

[Jessica_Rose]

I had to go to my office.  I am still numb and shaking. This was totally unexpected, wonderful, frightening, amazing, and joyous. I can't believe she arrived so quickly and hit so hard. I have never felt such a combination of emotions in my life. My friend Becky will be here soon, she knows. I think she will be able to help calm me down.

[Bari Jo]

Coming out to parents is so hard since its their job to judge and guide you.  However,  it's also their job to support you.  Hoping for the best Jess.  If you haven't sent already, I'd expand a bit to show how much this dysphoria has affected you, how long you've repressed.

Bari Jo

[Toni]

Hi Jessica, just hang in there, girl!  You can't imagine how many of us have had that moment, but we're still here and going strong and so are you.  You can read over and over when someone else shares their experience but never really get it until it hits you yourself, and you've just been hit.  But remember this, it's not the end but the real beginning of feeling just how strongly you need to be who you are.  Take it as a sign that this is real and what you want.  Scary as hell, but not because what you feel is at all wrong, just the fear of how to deal with this blind and crazy world we live in.  As much as we can be, we're here for you.  We know what you're going through.  Hugs, Toni

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks everyone. It took me a few hours to calm down. Luckily I get to work long before my co-workers, so no one saw the state I was in. I did tell my manager and HR that I may be coming out sooner than I thought. I really want to get my name change done first, so I am going to an expediter tomorrow to get my Federal background check done as soon as possible. The situation did make me very happy, but it really caught me off guard. I was not expecting it to hit so suddenly or so hard. To me it is an indication that I truly am ready now, I just need to get a few more things in place.

[Michelle_P]

Jessica Rose, I think Jessica has it exactly right. You've already done so much. That girl inside knows this, too, and she wants OUT, pronto.

Many of us hit the same point in transition. Part of us knows when it's time, and all the rationalization and planning in the world won't hold her back.

I wish you only the best of all outcomes. It seems this is your time. Now soar!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jayne01]

I am almost at the same point as you. Jayne wants out! Reading your opening post almost put me into the same not being able to breath state, so I know exactly what you mean. Just remember to breath. It sounds like you are ready. Take care of the few things you need to take care of and Jessica Rose will be out to the world shining brightly.

Jayne

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks again to all of you. I have read a lot of posts here, but I don't remember anyone ever mentioning something like this. It was such an amazing feeling, I was not prepared for how strong the emotions would be. I was listening to the Sara Bareilles song 'Brave' while driving to work and these lyrics really strike home:

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

This is how I feel about having Jessica Rose locked away for all of these years. She has finally found a way out of her cage, and she wants to stay in the light. She only grudgingly went back into hiding after I promised to speed things up.

I apologize for not being too clear in my original post, but I am amazed I was able to be even moderately coherent in the state I was in. The blue text is part of a letter I plan to read to my parents when I tell them what is going on, but that won't be until late February or March. I now expect to have my name change complete and be out at work before I tell the rest of my family. They literally live almost 1000 miles away, but I will go there in person to deliver the news.

[Cassi]

I can relate.  I didn't have a 5 or 50 year plan that said when I reached a certain age I would trans into a woman. 

For me it gets a little freaky now and then when I get the "guy" telling me enough is enough, get in the back seat and let me do the driving.

Fortunately, the few times he has and I've mentioned it here I've gotten the support to keep him in the back seat

[Michelle G]

So proud and happy for you Jessica 😊 💕

6 years ago when I came out to my lovely spouse she was surprisingly not as shocked or upset as I thought she would be and after an evening of long talks and tears from me she said, "well...there is something we need to do! Let's go shopping, you need some girl clothes"  she also gave me a bunch of things that didn't fit her anymore and even now when she makes an online order she asks if I need anything. I would be lost without her loving support and I thank her often.

[Cassi]

So proud and happy for you Jessica 😊 💕

6 years ago when I came out to my lovely spouse she was surprisingly not as shocked or upset as I thought she would be and after an evening of long talks and tears from me she said, "well...there is something we need to do! Let's go shopping, you need some girl clothes"  she also gave me a bunch of things that didn't fit her anymore and even now when she makes an online order she asks if I need anything. I would be lost without her loving support and I thank her often.

Truly blessed.

[Lena101]

Jessica, I am so happy for you!  You should make a playlist of songs that make your feel good, like "Brave".  Then listen to it on the way to your parents.  Music can be such a great mood booster & make you feel empowered.  Make sure the playlist has your new name on it. Own it. There is no stopping Jessica, she is tasting the world and is about to take a big bite!

I hope you have an awesome week Jessica.  Best wishes

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks for the nudge Lena101. I have been thinking about creating Jessica's Playlist for a while. There are some songs that always make me happy, but there are others that really strike a chord with me and get my emotions going. In addition to 'Brave', 'Unwritten' by Natasha Bedingfield, Pink's 'Sober', and Rachel Platten's 'Fight Song' are just a few of the ones that I feel an emotional connection to. If the songs hit at the right time my emotions can become so strong that I need to pull of the road and stop for a while. I have over 40 years of emotions to catch up on, and they are becoming an addiction! My parents are in their mid-80's and telling them will be the hardest step of all. I will definitely need to feel empowered and compassionate when I visit them.

[tgirlamg]

All will be well Little Sister!!!

You came to the magic tipping point when hiding, and presenting a persona that is only a shell, is no longer a tolerable way to live... After you reach that point, cracks begin to appear in the walls of your prison cell and you can see glimpses of what life outside the prison walls looks like...

The need to get out and never look back takes over... When things start to roll...They start to roll fast!!!!... Those cracks will be getting bigger every day my friend!... Soon, they will be wide and you will simply need to step out between them... The world will be beautiful...and new...and yours... and you will feel the sun on your face for the first time... 😀

Nothin' like a good prison break!!!

Onward we go brave sister

Ashley 😀❤️🌻