To make things easier, should I lie about my sexuality to my next therapist?

[dmj23]

Ok like I said in my last thread I had a really bad experience with my therapist. He asked a lot of sexual questions after he found out I liked guys and kept saying I needed to date guys that were accepting and to him that just meant that I was like sexually dominant which had nothing to do with my identity. I figured I'd get judged for saying I was attracted to men. I didn't even care to explain anything else because some stuff is like too raw and uncomfortable to excplain nor was I there to explain. Like basically I am a guy but I just happen to like guys. I am ok with both but together I know many people see it as a clear joke and I've gotten that from all types of people. That's why I've always been secretive in all spaces about it. But I figured it was useless to explain to him because I thought I'd make him more uncomfortable so I just didn't repeat going to another session with this guy. Well I found a new place last week and  am scheduled to go there next week, but skeptical because this is from the same lgbt center that referred me to the previous counselor. Well I want to maybe do things differently. I want to just be open about being transgender if it comes up about my sexuality I was thinking of just saying I am bisexual. Maybe it will be easier than saying that like I like men. I don't even say that I am gay. I don 't think I could because it is the part that I have a hard time dealing with. It is also the part that really holds me back on transitioning. I am mainly only attracted to men sometimes I am attracted maab people who don't identify as men like much of the time agender genderqueer or bigender or just nongender conforming I've even found transwomen attractive usually pre op though. I am not really aware of masculinity or femininity to really find one attractive over the other. And I don't like female genitalia so generally I don't like ciswomen. I've had people who thought I was female say I was "straight" knowing how I am generally. But I have had many who thought I was pan or bi as well. But anyway couldn't this technically make me bisexual even though most if not all of my extreme attraction goes to men. Should I just say I am pansexual or bi to overlook the fact that I do have a preference to men and just deal with that at a later time?

[Cindy]

If a therapist asked me about my sexuality I would immediately ask them "What has that to do with my gender issue?" and get them to go through their thoughts.

That way you are not lying and not answering an irrelevant question.

[Megan.]

In more than three years of therapy about my gender,  my sexuality has come up in conversation only a few times.
Agree with Cindy,  it would be good to understand the 'why' of the question. X

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[dmj23]

If a therapist asked me about my sexuality I would immediately ask them "What has that to do with my gender issue?" and get them to go through their thoughts.

That way you are not lying and not answering an irrelevant question.

What if they ask about like past relationships though? Because I had that happen to two actually previous therapists. The last one and another one. But the other one actually did not know I was trans I was waiting to tell because I was in a stressful situation.

It's a strategy I'd be willing to try though.

[Kylo]

If you're going to withhold information or change it, just remember they write all this stuff down, and they tend to check to see if your thoughts are consistent. If they find inconsistencies in what you have said, it might well make them think you're "confused" and set you back.

I am bisexual, I just said as much and the question was barely raised again in the GIC sessions. But it's a question that comes up at least once with every new therapist or doctor I see.

In the GIC they have been particularly interested in the dynamic between myself and my current (male) partner, throughout transition. Maybe they just ask that because they see people in relationships as potentially vulnerable, I don't know. But if you're not in a relationship currently, I would think they should leave the issue alone.

[dmj23]

In more than three years of therapy about my gender,  my sexuality has come up in conversation only a few times.
Agree with Cindy,  it would be good to understand the 'why' of the question. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I thought the reason he asked was because it is generally assumed transmen like women. And my sexuality is very unusual for one honestly I don't know anyone with my type of preference that is transmasculine identifying but that's in a further detail he' was  just going off a styereotype

[dmj23]

If you're going to withhold information or change it, just remember they write all this stuff down, and they tend to check to see if your thoughts are consistent. If they find inconsistencies in what you have said, it might well make them think you're "confused" and set you back.

I am bisexual, I just said as much and the question was barely raised again in the GIC sessions. But it's a question that comes up at least once with every new therapist or doctor I see.

In the GIC they have been particularly interested in the dynamic between myself and my current (male) partner, throughout transition. Maybe they just ask that because they see people in relationships as potentially vulnerable, I don't know. But if you're not in a relationship currently, I would think they should leave the issue alone.

The thing is with that I kind of seemed to get that result with saying that I like men. I continued to get questioned and told I was confused simply because I liked guys because I admitted it. I felt like if I said I liked women and was trans I could have actually explained my situation but I didn't get to even talk it seemed.


I am not sure if it would be much inconsistency I do like some things about women I just could not be with a ciswoman. Like I was actually talking to a roommate about women and I remember she said she did not like find a woman's chest like sexually appealing but I definitely do. But I don't generally have any desire to do anything about it. And I also had like a crush semi-online relationship with a girl when I was 16 but she was transgender. So on an emotional level I do have some attractions to women so I don't think that a therapist would find indiscrepencies because I have a minimum of attraction to women just not enough to have sex with a ciswoman or a relationship. The term bisexual I think most therapists know varies in behavior for each person. Honestly it has no effect on my life if I say I am bi or not my attraction stays the same. I think my issue is it's hard for me to just openly say "well I'm gay that is why I only date guys". Because the response I got has never been good. Especially since I'm pre everything. I'm trying to start therapy so I can start transitioning but I am finding a roadblock with transitioning to begin with, I guess though what I like about the term bisexual is it's a gender neutral term and it's a self explanatory term.

Yeah that's the other thing yeah I told him I hadn't dated in a year and then he went off trying to ask if I was a virgin and other questions that were just really irrelevant. I have been single most of my life anyhow mainly because I get into too stressful situation that I don't have time for a relationship. But then he tried to to tie it to somehow my identity. I should have known. When I was in the evaluation I was talking to this one guy doing the evaluation about being intersex. Because I'm also intersex and he didn't want to believe I was intersex he was like what condition I told him then he started telling me what symptoms I should have. But I figured this time I got a note from my doctor to show I was actually diagnosed as a "female" with an xy karyotype detectable. I just don't really need to be judged on the sexuality because I already heard all about that long ago.

[Kylo]

Then you're basically the same as me - I find both sexes attractive but have only dated men, and only really wanted to date men. I would just say you're bi then, it might be easier. But they shouldn't really be digging into sexuality and should be aware that transsexual identity is a separate thing from sexuality at the end of the day.

If I were you I'd just tell them that if they ask - say my sexuality might be relabeled by my identifying as a man but it isn't the cause, and it definitely shouldn't be the focus of the sessions. Maybe even say the fact they are focusing so much on it is making you uncomfortable, you're not there to talk about your sexual attraction. If they are suggesting dating a different sex is going to fix all your problems they don't sound like a good therapist to me.

[Kylo]

I thought the reason he asked was because it is generally assumed transmen like women. And my sexuality is very unusual for one honestly I don't know anyone with my type of preference that is transmasculine identifying but that's in a further detail he' was  just going off a styereotype

While the majority of transmen do seem to like women, the ones that are gay or bi are no means some tiny sliver of the Tmale population. There's plenty of them on this site, for example. I do think some therapists assume this to be the case, and because of that they are incorrectly assuming that sexuality is a major cause of transsexualism...

[Magnus]

As aforementioned, lying is a risky business with therapists *if* you are relying upon them for your TRT and write-off on surgical procedures. Non-disclosure is best in that situation, simply inform them that topic is not open for discussion/exploration, and that sexual orientation/preference does not have any bearing on your gender identity (which if actually qualified to handle, they should know). On the other hand, this courts the risk of them needling at the topic(s) you are not comfortable discussing. To which if they're unwilling to respect your boundaries, I'd suggest finding another that will.

You should also be aware of the possibility of a therapist's ability to meddle with your TRT via your prescribing physician (the exact modus varies greatly, but it happens/is possible in many jurisdictions). It really is better all around to be forthright or non-disclose, than to be caught out in lying.

Case in point, HIPPA was amended in April 2003 effective that "covered entities" (i.e. providers, insurers) can access your records (including your supposedly confidential therapists notes) and without your express consent to disclose them. All without your even being aware of this happening.

When referred to a provider's therapist for assessment back in 2011, I did not have to sign a disclosure for them to collude with my primary pertaining to my TRT and that diminishment of HIPPA is why (also a huge factor in why I chose informed consent, other than that I simply don't like psychotherapy).

Just saying, tread very carefully with shrinks.

[Roll]

My therapist has avoided the issue entirely, but I had both my GP and my HRT doctor ask sexual preference. In the case of my GP, he was pushing me to get PrEP. Not sure why the HRT doctor asked.

[Ryuichi13]

Ok like I said in my last thread I had a really bad experience with my therapist. He asked a lot of sexual questions after he found out I liked guys and kept saying I needed to date guys that were accepting and to him that just meant that I was like sexually dominant which had nothing to do with my identity. I figured I'd get judged for saying I was attracted to men. I didn't even care to explain anything else because some stuff is like too raw and uncomfortable to excplain nor was I there to explain. Like basically I am a guy but I just happen to like guys. I am ok with both but together I know many people see it as a clear joke and I've gotten that from all types of people. That's why I've always been secretive in all spaces about it. But I figured it was useless to explain to him because I thought I'd make him more uncomfortable so I just didn't repeat going to another session with this guy. Well I found a new place last week and  am scheduled to go there next week, but skeptical because this is from the same lgbt center that referred me to the previous counselor. Well I want to maybe do things differently. I want to just be open about being transgender if it comes up about my sexuality I was thinking of just saying I am bisexual. Maybe it will be easier than saying that like I like men. I don't even say that I am gay. I don 't think I could because it is the part that I have a hard time dealing with. It is also the part that really holds me back on transitioning. I am mainly only attracted to men sometimes I am attracted maab people who don't identify as men like much of the time agender genderqueer or bigender or just nongender conforming I've even found transwomen attractive usually pre op though. I am not really aware of masculinity or femininity to really find one attractive over the other. And I don't like female genitalia so generally I don't like ciswomen. I've had people who thought I was female say I was "straight" knowing how I am generally. But I have had many who thought I was pan or bi as well. But anyway couldn't this technically make me bisexual even though most if not all of my extreme attraction goes to men. Should I just say I am pansexual or bi to overlook the fact that I do have a preference to men and just deal with that at a later time?

First, I have not read other responses so I have no idea what was said

But I need to ask, "why is who you have sex with important to your old therapist?"  They should just ask, "are you sexually active?" And leave it at that...IF they even need to ask! 

Or maybe this is something that is asked in the UK.  It's not really asked much here in the US.  I too am gay since I prefer men.

But now I'm wondering if your old therapist was some kind of pervert. Smdh

Ryuichi

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[rmaddy]

I agree with those who say that you can deflect questions that seem invasive, but if you're considering lying or deceiving your therapist, there isn't really any point in going.  Therapy isn't therapy if you aren't really there.

[Subbie]

Hi dmj,

Having read through your post I feel that there are a couple of things that you might like to consider.

First, therapy should be regarded as your space. This is something that should be established in the first couple of sessions. if there's something you don't want to discuss, or feel uncomfortable with, say so, and the therapist shouldn't push the issue. Even if there's something that you feel you need to discuss, but aren't ready to talk about, it can cause you more damage to push the issue than to leave it until you are ready.

Second, your experience is valid. While it is sometimes helpful to speak in generalisations, what matters most is your experience of yourself and others. Such experience, however, happens in situated instances, and is influenced by the things, people and events in the situation. When discussing a generalisation, like personal preferences, it can be helpful to turn the conversation to specific properties or qualities. Beginning a sentence with, "in my experience," can help to focus your attention on what it is that you like or dislike, or what you want more or less of.

Finally, I'd like to relate some of my own experience. In my experience I see gender as of little importance. I don't really care whether people choose to relate to me as a man, woman or something else. Rather, my experience of myself, even as a child, has been that my body and genitalia do not reflect who I am. This doesn't reflect my sexuality either - I'm romantically attracted mainly to women with a high level of intelligence and consideration for others. However, I have had very little sexual experience, and the one time I was with a woman it felt so wrong that I had to end the relationship, and haven't sought any such relationship since. I have rarely experienced romantic attraction to a man, and I often wonder whether I'm really just asexual. There's nothing wrong with that, but maybe one day, with the right person, man, woman or otherwise, I might find that the categories 'heterosexual', 'homosexual', 'bisexual' and 'asexual' are really just a fiction used to limit and control the ways we can think about ourselves. I am more than this - I am myself.

hth
Meredith

[Dena]

In my therapy group, sexual attractions was a regular discussion topic. Your surgical letter was not dependent on how you answered the question (and yes we were asked). Instead the discussion was so you would consider what your life would be like after you had bottom surgery. Who would you seek and how would you express your sexuality. Your therapist shouldn't be judging your sexuality but your therapist should ensure that you have given sufficient consideration to this aspect of your transition.

Post surgical you may be gay, bisexual, heterosexual or asexual just like the CIS population. If your therapist doesn't understand that, it's time for the student to give the teacher a lesson.

[SeptagonScars]

I have theory, that maybe why your therapists have expressed concern about your sexuality could be cause they might have picked up your own insecurities with it and they might wonder if it's connected to you being trans. That you're not comfortable saying that you're outright gay and if you express discomfort about not being attracted to women, might come off as "warning signals" to therapists. That they might not care about what gender people you're attracted to, but rather how you relate to whomever you're attracted to. And I think maybe that whether you think of yourself as gay or straight or neither while attracted to men but not women in relation to your own gender could raise concern with therapists. I'll get more into why I thought of this later on.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, or that the therapists are not, but it could be an explanation. If that is the case, maybe it could be a good idea for you to look into why you don't feel okay seeing yourself as gay. But either way, asking them why they think it's important to dig into would be good, I think.

I'm no longer seeing a gender therapist because I've gotten far enough into my transition for it to not be considered neccesary anymore. (I just have a regular therapist now). But back when I still did they asked me if I was into men or women which was how they phrased the question, and I calmly replied "both" and then it wasn't brought up again. I considered myself bisexual back then (and since I was 15) but a year or so ago my sexuality changed and I no longer experience attraction to women, so now I'm gay. Apparently.

My own attraction is actually quite similar to yours now, that I'm basically only attracted to male/amab bodied people and I wouldn't want a relationship with a cis woman. However I still have attraction to other trans men and I'm fine with female genitalia (just not my own) as long as it's attached to an otherwise male appearing person. Female chests however I'm not attracted to at all, but find them aesthetically nice-looking. I'm primarily attracted to cis men though. When I was bisexual I only had a weak/faint attraction to women and on rare occasions.

I have no problem calling myself gay, but I used to feel discomfort about my attraction to men before too, so I get where you're coming from. For me, I couldn't think of myself with a cis man as "gay" because of my still female anatomy before I had started hrt, and whenever I thought of myself with a cis woman in my mind that felt lesbian (although I've never been with one). That's what got me thinking about your therapists, cause for me I kept being confused about my sexuality in regards to my gender situation, that it caused a disconnect in how I saw myself mind vs. body. So, I was actually eternally grateful that I could go by the bisexual label and not confront my therapists about that during that confusing time of my life.

I chose to not bring it up with the therapists cause knew for sure that I'm trans and needed to transition, it was just that I put a lot of weight on anatomy when it comes to my definition of sexual orientation. I had a more old fashioned view of sexuality which I couldn't fit myself into, but a more modern perspective of gender and transsexualism. And those two perspectives clashed for me.

I'm not saying it's the same for you cause that I don't know. I'm just giving you ideas and something to think about, if you haven't already thought of this.

[Devlyn]

I agree with those who say that you can deflect questions that seem invasive, but if you're considering lying or deceiving your therapist, there isn't really any point in going.  Therapy isn't therapy if you aren't really there.

Exactly.

[Jessica]

I agree with those who say that you can deflect questions that seem invasive, but if you're considering lying or deceiving your therapist, there isn't really any point in going.  Therapy isn't therapy if you aren't really there.

I agree 100%.  Worded quite well!

[Doreen]

Ok like I said in my last thread I had a really bad experience with my therapist. He asked a lot of sexual questions after he found out I liked guys and kept saying I needed to date guys that were accepting and to him that just meant that I was like sexually dominant which had nothing to do with my identity. I figured I'd get judged for saying I was attracted to men. I didn't even care to explain anything else because some stuff is like too raw and uncomfortable to excplain nor was I there to explain. Like basically I am a guy but I just happen to like guys. I am ok with both but together I know many people see it as a clear joke and I've gotten that from all types of people. That's why I've always been secretive in all spaces about it. But I figured it was useless to explain to him because I thought I'd make him more uncomfortable so I just didn't repeat going to another session with this guy. Well I found a new place last week and  am scheduled to go there next week, but skeptical because this is from the same lgbt center that referred me to the previous counselor. Well I want to maybe do things differently. I want to just be open about being transgender if it comes up about my sexuality I was thinking of just saying I am bisexual. Maybe it will be easier than saying that like I like men. I don't even say that I am gay. I don 't think I could because it is the part that I have a hard time dealing with. It is also the part that really holds me back on transitioning. I am mainly only attracted to men sometimes I am attracted maab people who don't identify as men like much of the time agender genderqueer or bigender or just nongender conforming I've even found transwomen attractive usually pre op though. I am not really aware of masculinity or femininity to really find one attractive over the other. And I don't like female genitalia so generally I don't like ciswomen. I've had people who thought I was female say I was "straight" knowing how I am generally. But I have had many who thought I was pan or bi as well. But anyway couldn't this technically make me bisexual even though most if not all of my extreme attraction goes to men. Should I just say I am pansexual or bi to overlook the fact that I do have a preference to men and just deal with that at a later time?

My neurologist (of all people) was WAYY too preoccupied with my gynecological health than he was about my neurological issues.  Actually I have HIM to thank for getting me started down this dark & twisted rabbit hole that is the whole intersexed experience.  He got me to see the endocrinologist who got my ultrasounds, and then the twisted journey of .. questioning anything & everything began.

I still don't know what I am, but at least I'm starting to learn.  Or at least what I was born as.. I AM a woman. With reproductive 'issues', and we'll leave it at that.   If they ask I say I'm ammenorheic.  It works for me.  I am not saying its right for everyone though.  Most of them mark me as androgen insensitivity, but not once have I ever seen 'gender dysphoria' as a diagnosis. 

[dmj23]

Yeah in thought process I'm the opposite actually. My experience is the issue. I got mentally beat up for 5 years now by anyone who I said I was gay. While pre-everything. Generally I actually have always felt like mentally emotionally the male sex is my same sex. I am intersex so for me I kind of sit between the sexes biologically I always felt more akin to the male sex I just never really understood how and why. So for me I was always did feel I was gay. I never have felt like I was a straight person. That's why since I was 15 I had an online life where I was gay or bi and male. I never really like to think of myself as a female. Generally I've always wished I was bisexual but I've always known since I was 12 or 13 that I was a gay boy. But specifically the issue was being a boy. I mean trying to avoid it. Like when I was young I actually thought it was kind of lucky to be gay because I am female in maturation like 100%. But when trying to accept it it's been hard because everything I've looked up as a transman who's gay it's like the worst place to be. I read they're not seen as really gay and most of the time questioned on transition then on top of it read people saying things like they don't exist so I felt trapped and like I had to make the best of my situation. Finally at 19 I kind of came out. Technically and people were confused how I could like guys and be transgender. I never could verbalize that part because everything I knew people said about transmen. And I felt like I would be seen as too weird. Like it's bad enough to be trans. But then gay on top of it. Is my issue socially. I mean I would love to wake up and just be a man physically legally socially and I would gladly identify as gay tbh. I have never had any shame in it. My father was bisexual I never had any shame in him and I never had any in his brother being gay. Being gay imo is the same thing as being straight I never saw the difference but maybe that's just because I am gay that I have a biased view. But yeah personally I always felt alone on the whole gay identity because transmen I knew liked women. And it seemed easier much easier for transmen to fit in as straight men than as gay men. Which actually has been what kind of holds me back. I always associated with things that would elude to me being a gay transman but I never like said it because of the environment and response I always get. At this point I'm kind of like it is what it is especially after realizing my feelings are real they're not just something I can avoid because I will always end haunted by it. But I am fine saying I am gay when not judged for saying it. In my dreams I'm usually gay and a guy it's weird though I never really grow very old in my dreams it's weird but I've never seen myself as a woman or a girl in my dreams. But I am totally comfortable with it. It's just well understood people who are perceived as lesbians are less discouraged I think to transition than people believed to be straight women. And it's hard to break out of the shell imo.

I have theory, that maybe why your therapists have expressed concern about your sexuality could be cause they might have picked up your own insecurities with it and they might wonder if it's connected to you being trans. That you're not comfortable saying that you're outright gay and if you express discomfort about not being attracted to women, might come off as "warning signals" to therapists. That they might not care about what gender people you're attracted to, but rather how you relate to whomever you're attracted to. And I think maybe that whether you think of yourself as gay or straight or neither while attracted to men but not women in relation to your own gender could raise concern with therapists. I'll get more into why I thought of this later on.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, or that the therapists are not, but it could be an explanation. If that is the case, maybe it could be a good idea for you to look into why you don't feel okay seeing yourself as gay. But either way, asking them why they think it's important to dig into would be good, I think.

I'm no longer seeing a gender therapist because I've gotten far enough into my transition for it to not be considered neccesary anymore. (I just have a regular therapist now). But back when I still did they asked me if I was into men or women which was how they phrased the question, and I calmly replied "both" and then it wasn't brought up again. I considered myself bisexual back then (and since I was 15) but a year or so ago my sexuality changed and I no longer experience attraction to women, so now I'm gay. Apparently.

My own attraction is actually quite similar to yours now, that I'm basically only attracted to male/amab bodied people and I wouldn't want a relationship with a cis woman. However I still have attraction to other trans men and I'm fine with female genitalia (just not my own) as long as it's attached to an otherwise male appearing person. Female chests however I'm not attracted to at all, but find them aesthetically nice-looking. I'm primarily attracted to cis men though. When I was bisexual I only had a weak/faint attraction to women and on rare occasions.

I have no problem calling myself gay, but I used to feel discomfort about my attraction to men before too, so I get where you're coming from. For me, I couldn't think of myself with a cis man as "gay" because of my still female anatomy before I had started hrt, and whenever I thought of myself with a cis woman in my mind that felt lesbian (although I've never been with one). That's what got me thinking about your therapists, cause for me I kept being confused about my sexuality in regards to my gender situation, that it caused a disconnect in how I saw myself mind vs. body. So, I was actually eternally grateful that I could go by the bisexual label and not confront my therapists about that during that confusing time of my life.

I chose to not bring it up with the therapists cause knew for sure that I'm trans and needed to transition, it was just that I put a lot of weight on anatomy when it comes to my definition of sexual orientation. I had a more old fashioned view of sexuality which I couldn't fit myself into, but a more modern perspective of gender and transsexualism. And those two perspectives clashed for me.

I'm not saying it's the same for you cause that I don't know. I'm just giving you ideas and something to think about, if you haven't already thought of this.