Sometimes it jsut sux.

[Jenntrans]

You folks know that I am pretty strong and out and can somewhat pass. I don't suffer gender dysphoria very often but sometimes I still do. Well I am now. It really sux.

I want to meet a guy and not have to tell him that I am trans. OMG this is just something that may not be here tomorrow because I may cry it all out tonight with wine and it may as easily last a couple of days. But I will get over it though and just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. It still sux though.

I mean PMS is a real thing but what about TMS??? I don't even know if that is a real thing. Seems kind of real to me about two or three times a year though.

I have been dealing with this crap since I can remember and even had to change schools. The only that knew were the administration.

I am not trying to be "->-bleeped-<-r than thou" but when two things grew more than one during puberty then something is wrong and I am tired of trying to find answers.

I am so tired. Yes I can somewhat pass but it still sux. This is normal for me and about every six months. Sometimes I just don't know where I fit in. It will always suck though. If I ever go SRS then all that I meet and want to be "intimate" with something would still tell me to tell them. I would never want to deceive someone that may fall for me and or I for them. Yes I have a boyfriend that is fine with it but it still sux because I would love to give more than I can and that would include a child.

I will be over the "Poor me? tomorrow or the next day or even next week even, I don't even know why I am posting this now but I will let it stay as is. Sorry.

[TheCampbellMan]

Hey!

It does suck, doesn't it? I hope you feel better soon. It can be hard to suddenly be hit with emotions you know will pass, but they are valid as you feel them, don't feel sorry for expressing yourself. Just know that if you keep going as you are now, there will be a day when you don't have to tell anyone and it'll be great.

[Jenntrans]

Yeah it sucked. It lasted way longer than I thought it would. I pushed my Boyfriend away locked up my girly things and stopped shaving my legs and under arms. I even grew a goatee but nature can't really be controlled or at least nature when it pertains to psychology and self. I am back and damn if feels really good. Instead of five minute showers it is bathing leisurely. Instead of smelling stale facial hair and constantly scratching my face it now is smooth and all I smell is my lotion and makeup.

For the record I am not non binary because when I am a man and that is getting less and less then I am totally masculine. When I am a woman which is more and more then I am totally feminine. I really don't think there is any kind of diagnosis for me. I really doubt that I am the only one.

In school I had the summer to be a guy if I wanted. During school I had to be a girl because my parents paid dearly for that option to be available to me. But I was right on par with girls. My life get pretty dizzying a times.

I will say those times that I am totally masculine or what may pass at it anyway are fewer and shorter than the times being totally feminine When I was young time was so long and now that I am older time is so much shorter.

Does anyone else go through this too or am I just a "freak". Hell being called a freak is nothing new to me along with all the other names like MF, Bitch, SOP, Bastard, dumbass and so on. But I am an enigma. Hell my best friend from high school never know whether to call me "bro" or "sis" when he calls. I have to tell him. He is gay and I actually opened up to him first but it kind of sux when you don't even know yourself how you may feel the next time he calls or I call him. He has no problem with it and has a lot of patience.. If I feel one or the other and he gets it wrong I have a lot of sympathy but have no patience with myself.

And no I don't fit the psychological profile of a cross dressing either if anyone is actually wondering because there is not stress relief from it or even comfort. Societal pressures? No because I could give a rat's ass at what people think of me. I don't know what it really is but I am sure that I am not alone. To me it isn't fear or guilt.

The whole transgender thing is coming more and more into light and I will bet there are many more categories along the spectrum than what anyone can conceive. Take me for instance. and no it is not DID either because I am aware and it is a conscious action. But it sux though.