The main problem here is people are now equating normal male behavior with sexism and "toxic masculinity".
For example.
The other day I was watching a Jarmusch film called Paterson. There is a scene in the film where two guys are sitting next to each other on the bus talking about women. If you watch the movie there is nothing they say to each other that could be construed as hateful (i.e. misogynistic) toward women, they are only talking about the attractiveness and potential for a date of two women each of them had met. They both were interested in the women and I assume were hoping to meet them again, or for their interest to be reciprocated. The way they speak is quiet and relaxed, it isn't loud and obnoxious, the way they talk about the women is as if they (the men) are the passive actors in the situation, waiting for the women to show interest, not trying to force themselves on them or anything. If it was meant to be a nudge-nudge wink-wink sort of thing it was the subtlest and most harmless I have ever seen. Halfway through their conversation, a random female stranger gets up to leave the bus and gives them a dirty look as she leaves. The main character, who has been listening to the conversation sees this and stops smiling as he is listening to the men talk.
So you have two men talking about their interest in particular women and a third listening and empathizing with them, then a woman walks past and they all shut up, and the main character listening suddenly thinks about it from her point of view and stops smiling.
Fine.
Except what they were talking about and the way they were talking about it was hardly misogynistic or deserving of a dirty look. How many times had the main character heard a woman on the bus complaining about men, I wonder. Or a wife about her husband. Like I have in real life. Did men walk past and give dirty looks in response? I doubt it.
So then I happened to be reading a review on the film and whoever was reviewing it for The Guardian claims that: "There is a very real, nuanced moment when, listening in to his passengers' conversation, Paterson starts smiling at the machismo of a couple of bragging, sexist guys – but a female passenger frowns at them while getting off: Paterson sees that and thoughtfully corrects his own smirk."
That's right, men being interested in women, and talking about them (in non-derogatory way), is sexist.
This is a good example of the problem right here. This is perfectly normal, harmless behavior for men to engage in. No woman is being insulted, no woman is being treated like dirt, in fact the women are clearly the object of admiration and desire of the men, made evident by the way they speak about the encounter. They are not broadcasting it to the entire bus, at least it's not implied they are. It's a private conversation only they are having, that the driver is able to overhear, and the women who passes them while leaving the bus. But it's interpreted as two men being utterly skeevy about women. It's interpreted as bragging. If that scene was bragging, it was rather subtle. And what were they bragging about? Having slept with the women and dumped them after? No. One was "bragging" (or more likely excitedly relating, almost like a little boy) about how he had a nice conversation with the woman and how she was keeping eye contact with him. The other talked about how the woman he was interested in was being flirtatious and gave him her number. It was kind of sad really, how that scene felt to me - two guys so happy about the fact a woman looked at them or even talked to them. And even sadder that some idiot at the Guardian interpreted this as sexism.
It will be a miracle in the near future if men want to have anything to do with dating or with sharing their emotions at all if we are at the point where just talking about women is some kind of sin. The movie implies it's bad to talk about women, and the review implies it's sexist to open your mouth about them too.
But let's take the script and flip it shall we?
Two women talking on a bus about two guys they had met. One says,
"So you know that cute little guy who works at the Doner place?"
"Yeah, yeah, he's pretty hot."
"Turns out he was in my neighborhood. The other day after I came home from work, tired, I'm having a drink, I hear a knock at the door, I answered it and it was him. he was looking really good."
"So what happened?"
"We just talked there at the door for a while... he was laughing a lot, making eye contact... he wanted to hang out, you know?"
"What else?"
"We had a nice conversation but I was really tired, I hadn't showered or anything, so he left. But I think he was into me. You know?"
"Oh yeah, for sure. These guys are out of control."
[This is the point in the film a woman walks past and gives a dirty look].
Would that be sexist and should a man have walked past and given them the daggers?
If that's sexist I'm the Pope. It's like the movie actually went out of its way to make the conversation as sweet and nice as possible and a woman still gives them the eye.
I think we need to recognize what the hell sexism is actually supposed to be and stop equating it with everything a man might do or say. I find it highly disturbing. And more and more men I know are choosing not to risk relationships with women at all... I think that's down to several factors but the fact we aren't apparently even permitted to speak about women without being called pigs isn't helping. It's also a huge double standard, since the women I know will freely drool over men, as well as call them for all kinds, without anyone being upset.
If people think we can live in a world without any risk at all, without any possibility of hurt feelings or having to deal with a man's feelings by crushing men further and further into a box they do not fit into, or by "training" men to be more like women, not only does that leave you open to the truly predatory men out there, who will refuse to be trained and will be able to walk right through all the men who have been trained not to stand up for themselves or others to get whatever they want, but we are probably actually causing mental illness in men by thinking we can even do this. Our school systems are already better geared for teaching female children than male ones, and I am surprised to learn the extent of the pro-female sexism that we are heaping on kids these days. I have read that here in the UK there are far more female teachers than male ones and many have admitted giving higher scores to girls out of their own bias toward women. They also have admitted to punishing boys for being naturally energetic, and children in the US have had this happen to them as well - dosed up with pills for not sitting still and quiet for long enough in school, diagnosed with various disorders etc. We already know this affects boys more than girls, from the statistics. I know over here, energetic activities are slowly being done away with for children on the grounds of safety - they even banned playing tag for god's sake. But masculinity in general is being treated like a disease. It has to stop or society is going to create several generations of very, very screwed up men and that is never good.
The only place I have seen boys less affected by this society-wide grudge against them is in private boys-only schools, where the teaching is specifically geared for them and the intent is that their parents pay to have them excel. This is awful that only those boys whose parents have the money to send them to such places can really see them get the teaching environment that works well for them. Personally I think segregation based on sex is unnecessary in schools and shouldn't have to occur, but if the current situation is that if boys and girls learn together than everything should be geared to make only the girls comfortable (or indeed that boys are graded down just for being boys) this is also wrong. A compromise has to be made.
We sorely need some common sense brought into male-female relations and what society thinks they should be like, because at the moment they are insane. There can actually be a good balance. I believe we hit it and overshot it about 10-15 years ago. When there was increasing respect for women, but not some flat-out hatred and demonization of men. Now it's simply gone too far. A generation now believes everything around them is sexist, men are inherently evil, women are inherently good and pure, and that women deserve revenge against men. None of those things are true.
