Dealing with self doubt

[VaxSpyder]

Lately I have been very excited about transitioning but also anxious.  Three months ago this all seemed impossible and now I feel like I'm racing forward.  I have this notion on my mind of the woman I want to be but she seems incredibly far away still.

Last night, a friend came to stay the night with me.  She was born male but now identifies as "genderfluid".  I'll use female pronouns because that's the side she shows me.  Anyway, I felt more than a little envious about how feminine she is.  Her voice and mannerisms made me feel big and clunky and basically like a boy pretending to be a girl.  We had sex and she stayed the night.  In the morning, I felt kind of deflated like maybe I'm not ready to transition or its the wrong choice for me.  I don't know.

I told my friend how I was feeling and she said I just needed more practice acting feminine and that she has been doing it a lot longer than I have. 

I hate feeling trapped in this cycle of self doubt and self analysis.  If I'm not feminine now, does that mean I'm not really transgender or does it just mean I don't know how to be feminine.  Is it innate or learned?  I look around at men and I don't know how to act like them either.  The difference is that I want to be more feminine, I suppose.

My thoughts get so tangled up that it gives me headaches.  I'm going to see the therapist tomorrow but I'm afraid to be honest because I'm afraid that if I show any sign of doubt, the door to transitioning will be slammed on my face.  I know that I want to be a woman but I don't know if I have the fortitude to go through with it for real.

Also feeling frustrated because these are exactly the kinds of thoughts thst have kept me paralyzed and from achieving many goals on my life.

[rmaddy]

The best therapy happens within arm's reach of your doubts.  Say them all and dissect them mercilessly.  Don't be afraid of doubt.  Be afraid of unreasonable certainty.

[Mendi]

I think it's more alarming to health care professionals, if you don't show any signs at all, of thinking if this is something that is truly for you and you never explore the thought, that can I actually survive the transitioning.

I think the feeling you have is quite normal. I know many women (cis and tran), who are more feminine than me, but then again, I know many, who are less feminine than me. That's life and varition in general. Everyone is unique.

In the end, you shouldn't compare yourself to others. Just be yourself!

(I know, that is easy to say, and harder to achieve)

[Jessica_Rose]

Although I cross-dressed on occasion for many years I can't say that I ever felt feminine, but that did not stop me. What drove me to begin transitioning was when I realized that my lifetime of anger and rage was because I had been suppressing my true feelings for over forty years. It was a very sudden realization, an epiphany. This had also affected my wife and daughters, they had to put up with my awful behavior for decades. Once I realized this was causing pain for myself and my family, I decided to begin my journey.

A little over a year ago if anyone had suggested that I was transgender I would have laughed at them. Once I started HRT I was frightened by the thought of coming out. When the day finally arrived and I came out to my manager it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

My true self is beginning to emerge. My wife and daughters have noticed a significant positive change in my behavior. I really don't know exactly what kind of woman I will be, but I know I will be a much better woman than the man I had been pretending to be.

As Mendi said, some doubt and questioning is normal and healthy. It shows that you are thinking about how this will impact your life and the lives of those around you. This is a decision very few people ever consider, but in your heart you already know the answer. Don't be afraid. I wish you the best of luck through your journey of life.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

[JillianC]

VaxSpyder, like other's have mentioned there are feminine females and masc females but they are all still female.  I had similar doubts when I started I liked my short hair, didn't care for makeup, and didn't want boobs.  But I knew I was not male so I didn't let that stop me from transitioning and being me.

[KathyLauren]

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  It's hard to be patient, I know, but patience is what is required.  Just keep working on your transition any way you can: hair removal, speech therapy, HRT, legal documentation.  There's so much of it that there's always something to make progress on.  Making progress, even if it is in baby steps, is what keeps the dysphoria at bay.

Don't let the doubt monster get you down.  That is just your male background trying to play it safe by clinging to its dull certainty.  If you don't feel sufficiently feminine, it just means that you still have some areas to work on.  It also means that you can identify those areas and get to work on them.

[rmaddy]

Don't let the doubt monster get you down.  That is just your male background trying to play it safe by clinging to its dull certainty.

Sometimes.  Doubt can be a perfectly healthy defense mechanism to slow us down in unfamiliar territory.  We ought not to assume that all doubt is irrational or properly ignored.  To say this would be to say that we all will end up in the same place gender-wise.  I don't think that this is the case.

[CallMeKatie]

I get doubt sometimes.
My mind says "look you are a girl but is it worth all the upheaval when you aren't unhappy?"

[rmaddy]

The idea that transition is fundamentally about happiness is a misconception.  Transition increases coherence and integrity, which may help with happiness, but are really separate qualities (and well worth pursuing for their own sake).

Transition is hard, hard work, and  there will be many days when you feel anything but happy.  Meanwhile, society expects us to be happy more or less immediately when we transition, and will often say things like "Well, at least you're happy now" on days when you actually feel a bit low.  On those days, when happiness seems unreachable, coherence and integrity will still be there to comfort you.  Remind yourself that you didn't always know what they felt like and keep moving until your mood changes.  In the long run, your best chance at happiness depends on coherence. 

[Laurie]

I get doubt sometimes.
My mind says "look you are a girl but is it worth all the upheaval when you aren't unhappy?"

Hi Kate,

  You should not be worried about telling your therapist anything. First is it is confidential and second you should be able to trust them if you want them to help you.
  I have run the gambit of things I've told mine. from am am transgender to I don't know what I am anymore to I don't want to live and yes I know how I would make that happen. Hopefully Friday when I see mine I'll be telling him that my pills are working and I am not wanting to die. I've had him tell me over and over I am a woman and I need to let Laurie out more and that I am a good person and I need to love myself. For some reason he keeps pushing for me to accept who he tells me I am and that I shouldn't hate myself. But I keep fighting him. We have more work to do I guess. Doubts happen to almost all of us. You'll be okay.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[VaxSpyder]

Thank you for all the encouragement and support!  I'm feeling much better now.  I told my therapist about some of the issues I was having, being careful to say that I'm not doubting what I want, just my capacity to achieve it.  But I must recognize that mean little voice in my head that tries to stomp on my dreams for what it is - the enemy.  Uncertainty is normal and healthy until it becomes emotional self abuse.  I will keep moving forward step by step.

[gennee]

There's no shame in having doubts. Transition is something that will change your life. Be honest with your therapist because they are there to help. It took me time to feel comfortable about myself. I learned the mannerisms just by observation.

[Sephirah]

But I must recognize that mean little voice in my head that tries to stomp on my dreams for what it is - the enemy.

Sweetie, it's not something that needs to be vanquished. It's not an enemy. It's simply a part of your subconscious that doesn't know any better. It's a remnant of feelings you may have had at some point in your life which left you feeling hurt. Judging from your first post, it seems likely that this voice is a manifestation of all your self-doubt, and the feeling that you're not "feminine enough".

It's a part of you that's scared. Scared deep down that if you aren't "good enough" then people may hurt you. If you don't meet some kind of standard then you're going to suffer. I would venture that it's more a defense mechanism, to try and protect you from being hurt. And in that case, it isn't so much about trying to "beat" it, as much as it is making it understand that it isn't needed.

This part of you doesn't understand that you're basically attempting to overwrite a lifetime's conditioning to be a certain way. To act a certain way, to see the world a certain way, to be someone the world thinks you should be. I am guessing that you've been hurt in the past for not being like other people. Made to feel bad for being different. Doing or saying things that those around you think you really shouldn't have done or said.

This voice, it's trying to protect you from that. From being hurt again. I see a lot of similarities from a lot of people going through this. It's like... hmm... a pre-recorded message from that moment in the past where you were hurt from trying to be yourself. Set on a loop. It's not something you have to beat, as much as find the "off" switch.

The thing is, a lot of the time, the deepest levels of our minds operate on a very primal level. We don't see the "here's what I'm trying to do, and why". That's for the upper, conscious levels. No, deep down we operate on a very basic "will this pose a threat to our life" level. And if something happens to make us feel hurt, or sad, or worse... then this defense mechanism kicks in, and starts to be like "NO, don't you even try to do that, because you're gonna get hurt, and that may end very badly. And I want to live, damnit!"

This is tied in very closely with your self-esteem. With how you see yourself. How much you value yourself as a person. And the lower that is, the stronger this voice is. Every time you feel down, or like something isn't going how you want it to go, the louder this voice gets. The more it nags at you that you really need to stop it and accept the inevitable.

Sweetie, you don't need to battle with yourself as much as understand why this part of you is how it is. And why. To allow this part of you to realise it's not needed anymore, start to look for the positive experiences in your life. The times when you are treated the way you want to be treated. The times when things do go how you want them to go. By doing this, you start to show this part of you that you aren't in mortal danger, that the things it thinks are a big deal... actually aren't. And you may find it starts to fade away on its own.

*hugs*

[DawnOday]

Hon  Please speak up. You are searching for answers, One of the things I say to my wife all the time is I don't read Mimes. Try not to make transition negative as you are only searching for the person you were meant to be. When I came out to my therapist was the watershed moment of my life and immediately the depression I carried for a good portion of my life just melted away. I have gone from sad to ecstatic in the span of a year and half. I now look forward to living. Can't say I always felt that way.