In shock at the speed of it all

[whingingpom]

Hi everyone I've been an intermittant lurker on this forum since my husband told me he thought he might be transgender 5 months ago but this is my first post as I'm now at a total loss.

I'm a 46 yr old cisgender woman, reeling from the shock of what's happened to my marriage in such a short space of time. Does any of this strike a chord with anyone....?

At the end of last August my beautiful husband of nearly ten years, who I love with all my heart and has been the centre of my universe, told me he thought he might be TG. He said he'd always suffered from depression, always hated everything about the way he looked and had recently come to the conclusion that he might be female.

This was a total bombshell to me - never saw it coming in a million years. Hadn't even realised he'd been so depressed as he had a diagnosis of pyroluria which I thought was what was causing his mood swings.

In typical fashion (he is renowned for having obsessional interests in the past), he wasted no time in pursuing the idea. Within a week of telling me, he'd bought testosterone blockers from overseas and by Christmas he'd fast tracked the normal due process of analysis and assessment at the gender clinic and had the GP there prescribe him oestrogen tablets to avoid buying dodgy overseas stuff. This is before seeing a psychiatrist which is what was supposed to happen first.

Up until this point he was adamant he didn't want me to leave and was telling me how much he loved me, yet he was also speeding things along and telling friends and family about everything behind my back. I kind of understand why he kept things from me due to the way I was freaking out at every little change but the level of deceit has shocked me. Also at this point, he changed his name on his driving licence and Medicare card but I only found out about that a couple of weeks ago.

Just before Christmas I had started seeing a psychologist to try and come to terms with everything but each time she sent me home with an idea of what we could try, my husband had already moved on. The crunch came when she suggested we try couples counselling and, although at first he agreed to it, it soon became apparent that he didn't want to. In fact 3 weeks ago, he suddenly told me didn't want to be married at all. Anything that had been a negative in our marriage  (because no marriage is perfect right?) he now brought up as a reason we should split up and he wanted to find someone more like himself. I thought we'd been happy.

So we are still in the same house at the moment because we neither of us have anywhere else to go yet. Still being civil as we always have but now he's withdrawing from me more and more and is over seeing me sobbing about everything just about all the time.

Does this seem right? Has anyone else experienced this? It all seems so ridiculously fast to me. Could it be a side effect of the HRT he's been taking since December (sorry if that sounds stupid)? Or is this just something that's been lying dormant for a long time? It's been a massive shock to see how quickly he's switched from being so loving and affectionate to just so distant. Only 3 weeks ago we were still going to sleep holding hands.

Thank you for reading such a long post.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Welcome to Susan's Place! Im sorry about the way things are going. Not to sound like a broken record,  but open and honest discussion is the only way to make a marriage survive this.

I want to thank you for coming here looking for answers. We'll do our best to help you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[AnneK]

He does seem to be moving things a bit fast.  He certainly should be involving you in the process.  You mentioned he's obsessional.  When he gets that way, does he stick with it long term?  Or does the novelty wear off?

[whingingpom]

Hello - he tends to stick with them for a few years. He says his obsessions were a way of avoiding thinking about his feelings. Evidently the psychiatrist agrees because he signed off on him continuing his medication.

[Faith]

I agree that he's moving way to fast from the way you've described it. No offence intended but there are two sides to everything. It is unlikely that just the treatments are causing this rift, I would assume a deeper underlying issue. Whether that is related to an existing medical issue? not for me to say.

When I discovered myself the first person that I told was my wife. She has been included in everything, every thought, every discussion. I'd told her about this forum, the name I used, how to get to it to read what I wrote. My every intent was to work through my changes with the most important person in my life beside me.

I wish there was something I could tell you to do that would bring things back together for you. Sadly, I cannot.

[JillianC]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  From the outside, her actions don't appear to signal a willingness to work with you nor does she seem to be including you in the process.  From what I have read, marriages that last through transition usually the transitioning spouse has kept the other spouse informed of the changes and they worked though each stage going at a pace both can handle.

Like others have said communicate your feelings.  Do you have a therapist?  It would be beneficial to you to talk to someone so you can find out your true feelings.  Do you want to stay married even if she fully transitions including surgeries?

[V M]

Hi Winging 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, sounds like you're having a pretty rough go of things

I hope you can find the support you need here


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Hugs

V M

[whingingpom]

Thank you for your kind replies.

If there were underlying issues in our marriage, I was blissfully unaware of them. It's entirely possible though that he was too polite to tell me about them!

One reason I was seeing a psychologist was to work out whether I could stay married after transitioning. The psychologist had already established that I wasn't totally adverse to the idea and had proposed a way of coaching me. But it all seems a bit too late now.

[Feminator]

Sadly, I think he had come to this decision long ago. Either it is him pushing you away so he does not feel guilty because "his marriage did not work" and he does not have to take ownership on the wreck he brought down(not on purpose of course), or he really wants to search out males because he cannot identify with being lesbian/gay. If he were a woman that stayed with a woman, he would become gay...by being a woman that dates men he would be straight after his transition to her. I am so sorry this is happening to you.  I have heard of this thing happening a lot when trans people are married and come out as trans. I belong to several groups and it happens more often than you would think. It is not always the fault of the cis-gendered partner....often they are willing to make a go of it, sometimes it would seem the trans partner is just not wanting to stay married. I had that fear when my partner told me that they were trans.

[Mendi]

I can understand the speed of it all. When I first came to understand of myself, I was going forward like a rocket in a sky.

I understand her mentality completely, she feels that she's lost so many years of her life. Totally relate to that.

But you two need to sit down and talk and try to talk without too much emotions. I know it's hard, but it's the only way. My long term relationship didn't survive, because I was going to the sky like a space rocket and my wife didn't want to talk.

[whingingpom]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, he doesn't appear to want to discuss it any more. He's getting on with his new life now. I'm just getting in the way. Everyone he's told so far has been very kind and supportive and his social life actually appears to have improved as a result so I guess I don't have to worry too much about him. Whereas I seem to be drowning in grief right now, can't face anyone and dreading the next stage of my life without him. Life can be pretty unfair all in all.

[Mendi]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, he doesn't appear to want to discuss it any more. He's getting on with his new life now. I'm just getting in the way. Everyone he's told so far has been very kind and supportive and his social life actually appears to have improved as a result so I guess I don't have to worry too much about him. Whereas I seem to be drowning in grief right now, can't face anyone and dreading the next stage of my life without him. Life can be pretty unfair all in all.

Hi

If you just can, please wait a bit, before making any final decisions, that is if you still think that you would like to continue life with her.

I'm just speaking of my personal experience. Like I said, I was going to the sky like a space rocket, but that calmed down within six months, as ordinary life as a woman settles in. It's not all space rocketing, but the early part can be, at least for me it was and sounds like it is also for your partner.

After the early speedy part, I would have liked to talk with my partner, but it was alraedy too late. I and her had alread offended each others more than enough. There was not much to say.

But of course, in the end you have to think about yourself, your own well-being.

[AnneK]

I'm just getting in the way.

Are you certain he wants to live without you?  Perhaps he has his agenda with this and he just doesn't want to slow down.  While he may not be waiting for you on this, that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want you.  Do you want him enough to stay, even with this happening?  I have read about several couples over the years.  Some stick together and some don't.  However, it takes two to stick together, but only one to break up.  Hopefully, the two of you can get by this together, if you're up to it.

[Gertrude]

He really should see a gender therapist to sort this out. Emotion and feelings are driving him and he needs a neutral and objective sounding board and guide to help him reflect on his  choices and understand his motivations and internal beliefs. It's kind of like being a loose cannon. My therapist told me that I won't be the only person transitioning, but the whole family does and it's my responsibility to guide them, if I want to be part of the family. He's skipped over that because of his internal desires are driving him without proper oversight by the logical parts of his brain. He really needs a competent gender therapist.


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[whingingpom]

Thanks everyone. It doesn't seem like I have decisions to make - they've been made for me. He doesn't want to talk to a therapist (he wasn't comfortable talking to the psychologist) and he's getting fed up of talking to me. He's decided he wants someone else to go with his new life. He's enjoying the level of support he's been getting from friends and acquaintances with people telling him they're proud of him for being so brave etc. Which is amazing. By contrast I feel like a big fat failure. Nobody's proud of me. I think I'm just supposed to disappear now.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You're not a failure, and I'm proud of you for holding up under the weight of your situation. We love the SO's who come here just as much as our transgender members, and we don't like to see you hurting. But I know it does hurt. I wish I could take some of it away for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[AnneK]

You are not a failure.  You are putting up with a very difficult situation, not of your making.  Please don't disappear.  You're always welcome here and hopefully things will settle down in your life.

[Myranda]

Thanks everyone. It doesn't seem like I have decisions to make - they've been made for me. He doesn't want to talk to a therapist (he wasn't comfortable talking to the psychologist) and he's getting fed up of talking to me. He's decided he wants someone else to go with his new life. He's enjoying the level of support he's been getting from friends and acquaintances with people telling him they're proud of him for being so brave etc. Which is amazing. By contrast I feel like a big fat failure. Nobody's proud of me. I think I'm just supposed to disappear now.

You are not a failure.  His choices, whether rational or not, whether logical or emotional, are in no way a reflection upon you in any way shape or form.  I wish my wife was half as supportive as you have been. 

but all this being said, you need to ask yourself what is in your own best interest?  What is best for you both in the short term and the long term? 

As for your husband, there is no substitute for a good Therapist when it comes to this deeply personal issue.  For his sake, and yours, I truly hope he can reconsider finding and committing to seeing a therapist.

[HappyMoni]

Thanks everyone. It doesn't seem like I have decisions to make - they've been made for me. He doesn't want to talk to a therapist (he wasn't comfortable talking to the psychologist) and he's getting fed up of talking to me. He's decided he wants someone else to go with his new life. He's enjoying the level of support he's been getting from friends and acquaintances with people telling him they're proud of him for being so brave etc. Which is amazing. By contrast I feel like a big fat failure. Nobody's proud of me. I think I'm just supposed to disappear now.

I am so sorry this happened to you. This sounds very unfair and disrespectful as well as hurtful to you. He doesn't sound like a typical transgender story. I really have to wonder about an obsessional aspect to this. I am still with my wife, but even if we didn't stay together, I would never show her disrespect or ignore her feelings. Please get help for yourself, you don't deserve this. As a trans person, I consider myself to be an ally for the spouses of trans people as well. I have great empathy for what significant others have to deal with. You deserve hugs, not being treated the way you are being treated.
Moni

[rmaddy]

K____ used to say she felt like she was on a "runaway train".  I transitioned over 10 years.  I can't imagine the amount of loss you have dealt with compressed into five months.  You need and deserve support.  I infer from your presence here that you have done everything you can to be supportive.  As I probably remind you of what slipped away, I have little else to offer other than to say that trans couples sometimes survive.  The individuals in these relationships nearly always do as individuals.  You got this.  You can thrive.  There is more waiting for you.