Hello Ladies. I've been through absolute hell the last few weeks. Gone crazy, called insane, subjected to head games by others and finally come back to earth. Found myself totally alone, but realizing that I got to ask the question about who would I be if alone on a desert isle, no one else to give a damn. Less than a heartbeat had me confirm what I needed to do. I had tried to go back guy, was willing to sell my soul, cut my hair, no hormones, no girl stuff, no support groups, no external influences and you know what? I just couldn't do it. Tried to get some new guy clothes three times and walking through the men's section was like walking through a grave yard for me and I found myself back in women's where I felt the sun shine. I would have tried anything not to lose the relationships I just did, but they were already gone, I just hadn't realized it. So I relaxed, stopped trying to hang on to something not really there and decided that the only way I would survive would be to see someone in the mirror that made me smile. I really knew that if I could do that, I could be alone and still be happy. If I didn't like the face in the mirror, I realized I might not survive. And with minimal external influence I knew the feeling was strong and deep and real. So I tried to see if I could put things back together and even though I had officially had the clinic put my surgeries on hold, my therapist said he had to stop things until this was sorted out and gave me a copy of a very nice letter I thought he sent to the clinic. I thought things were over. I contacted the clinic and they were still holding my date for me, I talked with my therapist and he told me he hadn't sent the letter, just wanted to let me sort things out and make the decisions, he thought I'd be back. So I'm leaving 3 AM tomorrow for Thailand, surgeries on Feb. 12th! When I come home I'll be alone, but I'll be happy with who I am. Keep you posted if I can over the next month I'm there. Toni
