Hi,
I am about a month into the realization that I am transgender. I am 41 years old. Of course I knew something before that, but aren't our brains the darnedest things, building barriers in our consciousness to protect us from ourselves. Of course, the walls don't protect us from everything (or anything really). While the maze in my head kept me functioning "normally" for most of my life, it didn't protect me from the longing I would feel when looking at women and the depression of not being able to be that woman.
While now in hindsight, there were some things pre-puberty that seem suspect, I really wasn't aware of these feelings then. Things really began to get interesting around puberty when cis-fantasies weren't fulfilling. My fantasies all started to incorporate some way that I would turn into a girl. This was very confusing because I didn't feel like a girl and wasn't into girly things. I questioned if I was gay and this was just a way of repressing it in some way, but I wasn't attracted to men at all, to the contrary, girls were quite nice (so much that I wanted to be one!). At some point these fantasies became a compartmentalized part of myself where I stored what I now know was my dysphoria.
So, in Freudian terms, while I had these feelings in my ID, my EGO made a Faustian deal with my Super-EGO to keep myself in the dark as my Super-EGO built wall upon wall in my head. I was allowed to "visit" these feelings in the context of certain fantasies which kept me sane I guess, but other than that they were locked up tight, excluding certain emotions that bled through as mentioned above. These walls were reinforced by societal standards and experiences I had while growing up. For instance I once asked a friend in high school if he ever wondered what it was like to be a woman to which he answered without even thinking an unequivocal NO and there went another few courses of bricks on my walls.
So as a kid , I went through life knowing on some levels that I was just "messed up" but mostly functional. I was attracted to women so relationships worked generally, but I was mostly emotionally unavailable to my partners because my emotions were on locked down inside of my labyrinths. I was so afraid of being associated with anything feminine lest someone figure out my deepest darkest desires. Funny how the brain knows what to be afraid of without actually telling you about it on a conscious level.
It was probably in my mid 20's that I had my first exposure to the concept of ->-bleeped-<- on a show on TLC. I was enraptured by the courage and circumstances of these people. I saw these people and felt an unexplained kinship. While telling, this sort of limited exposure certainly didn't hold the key to my locked doors, but it was a knock on them for sure (hello, is there anyone in there). From this point on, any time I had a chance encounter on information on transgender I would gobble it up.
So, now I am in my mid 30's. I am a little more open with myself about wanting to be a woman, but I'm not transgendered, no. It would never work. I am a big, wide, tall guy and I could never transition, I would be hideous! I would never NEVER pass a woman. I would be the object of ridicule and derision. If I couldn't through some sort of divine intervention be a real woman, then I would just wallow in my hollow fantasies and muddle through life as a man. On the surface, I didn't have the self-body loathing and self hate and I generally didn't mind the man's body in and of itself nor did I feel the proverbial trapped in the wrong body thing, I just INTENSELY WANTED to be a woman. I know that sounds contradicting, but it was more a matter of fact sort of thing.
And life went on, I was married in 2011 in what was to be a rocky relationship (probably unrelated to my issues as it seems she had a good number of her own). She moved out a year ago though we are still married and I went back to something of a simpler single life. As the years have gone on the desire to be a woman has gotten stronger and stronger and the walls were still being built. The thing about the walls, is that they are HEAVY! It takes up energy and resources in your brain building and maintaining them.
At some point within the last year I actively began searching out information on being transgendered and thanks to many brave young women who have hung out their experiences on Youtube and many before/after pictures of people like me I had a revelation. On Jan. 4th 2018 a big chunk of wall broke! I finally spoke the words that I had pondered about but never spoken, "I AM TRANSGENDERED." Ok, so what was I going to do about it? I am going to transition! (thinking to self) But I weigh 320 pounds and I am going to be HIDEOUS. (Still thinking to self) so what! I am going to lose it and find a counselor and be a woman!
Four weeks later I am forty pounds lighter and am seeing a counselor. I have never been so motivated to lose weight. I am tearing down my walls a bit every day (they still seek to thwart me in disconcerting ways). There are times now where I DO feel feminine and times when I just feel blah. I know I am on the right track though because the blah feelings so far always subside and the excitement of becoming female returns with gusto. I am taking little steps of affirmation with each step leading right into the next and I am so far not looking back. I am holding off on HRT until I lose more weight. In a few months, I can get down to around 225 which would put me at about 15% body fat before taking HRT. Once there, I will lose some muscle mass due to the hormones and can then lose a little more fat. I know that I will never be a small skinny woman, but I don't have to be fat.
I found this place while looking for information on SRS/GRS and after seeing references to the intro area, decided to introduce myself. I still haven't decided on a name, but think that Julie might be nice.
-Julie (for now)
