I've had a strange day - so I'll write it up.

[Cindy]

I'm feeling a little unsettled and there could be many reasons so I thought I would write my day to settle my brain so I can sleep.

I'm reaching 12 months post cancer surgery and I know that is hitting me. I'm due for check ups and scans and my mortality is staring at me. It doesn't frighten me, it is just there.

I'm so lucky that I have been on prolonged sick leave and today I told my managers I would not be coming back to work. I have mixed feelings, I'm still (in my mind) one of the best at what I do, where I am but it is time to pass that to others and I have good staff taking over.

My managers responded with what could only be construed as, 'great that you are going', and then tried to be obstructive over financial payouts. It isn't their money and it is my legal entitlement. I felt that was unfair, during my sick leave I have completed 2 PhD students and I have published 3 peer reviewed papers. One of which got a cover picture in the journal. Not too bad for sick leave.
Oh I hope this isn't moaning!

I have had a few positives. Both of course peculiar - well it is me!

I started my academic and my research career as a zoologist and I have maintained that interest. I also like photography. I have very recently joined a group that are interested in nature in South Australia and found out that many of them are expert, as in EXPERT in their field. I have always had a fascination for spiders and Australian spiders are lovely. They will either kill you with a bite or frighten you to death but are fascinating. My interest has been renewed by meeting experts in the field of spiders and of course that has ruined me. I went to the garden shed to get something out and merged hours later, camera in hand, covered in cob webs and carrying containers with lovely looking hairy things inside for future study.
It is probably just as well that I now live alone. It might be a little hard to explain the (putative) mouse spider chilling in the fridge to a lover. She is sort of large. Cute though. Frisky.

I also went to IKEA today. I haven't been for years. I think my last trip was memorable https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,140948.msg1141610.html#msg1141610

So was this! I was after a cheap simple bedside table for my wife. I also had a look at cheap desks because my Susan files and papers are spreading over the room.

There were two guys looking at desks as well. I think in their 30's, nice looking, fun, laughing and joking in a nice way with and about life. Nice fun men. Lovely.
I ignored them.

This time I did not get assailed by anyone mistaking me for a man. I did get called dear by an assistant when I ended up in a dead end. "Are you lost dear?" I was in a none speaking mode and made 'tut-tut' sounds and she smiled. I did have a "KAPOW" multicoloured badge on my stoma cover that startles people. You will have to ask Sadie of the significance of that!

I found the table I wanted. Basic, two draws and cheap. I got to the place of all furniture and found the reference to the box with the pieces of wood that will make the draw.
I couldn't lift it.

Two guys, who look as if they should buy a desk, appear and say 'Do you want a hand?' They pick the 18Kg box up as if it was ...18Kg. I sign that I cannot talk. One of them goes into Usain Bolt moves and shouts 'Kapow', the other carries the box. I'm lost for words.

I pay for the table and the lady at the register looks as if she wants to say something. I wondering if it is 'call security' she smiles; there are Bolt Moves and 'KAPOWS'. I smile. Maybe they are the sons that I forgot I had. I was a drunk for many years. I couldn't have been that drunk though.

Besides the biology....

My two muscle men carry the box to my car. There are  'Kapows' whenever an unsuspecting person is in the vicinity.

I manage to clean my speech valve as we walk. This is not recommended, I put a brush down my trachea to  clean it. It is like the sword lady at the circus. I can finally speak.

"Thanks guys" I really appreciate this. 'No problems Cindy'

I have no idea who they are. I had not given my name to them.

What a strange day !

I'm settling down for sleep now but I keep hearing a knocking sound from the kitchen. It is as if something is hitting the fridge door.

I'm not sure that I should have put the mouse spider in the fridge.

Good night, sleep tight.

Cindy

[Faith]

Sorry you're unsettled. It's not surprising though. You may be 'resigned' but being apprehensive about the test results is about as normal as it comes. Obviously you want it to come up clean so you can stick it to us .. I mean .. stick around on these forums for us. **positive thoughts**

Managers, bah, it is about the company bottom line for most of them. It'll probably impact their bonuses, it's not personal to you.

The rest, that really sounded like a good day, dwell on that instead.  Sweet dreams, unless you're into horror flicks. In that case, Sour Dreams

[Allison S]

You made me giggle Cindy (the last part not the beginning). I think I needed that the moment I was lost in my own thoughts and dreading it... I much rather hear about your day!

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[Faith]

I forgot about the spiders!  ick! No spiders for me thanks, creepy little things.

Here was one experiment that I did many years ago. I worked construction, times were slow. Rather than get laid off the boss put us on jobs that he could bill that still have room. Any ways, I was poking through some of the rooms we'd worked in and I see ... spider webs, surprise! .. in one web, this huge ugly nasty thing, in the other a tiny little dot of a spider. Using a twig, I got the little spider and moved him to the big spider's web.

Well, faster than I could blink, the big spider turned to run but that little guy was on him and did him in and took over the web. Total surprise on my part. I felt kind of bad, I should have left them alone. Ah well.

[Jessica]

Cindy, loving your life's work and career is a big accomplishment and it hurts when you're slighted by others in regard to it.  Your managers most likely are only looking at making money and don't care about the human side of things.
Happily there are folks that are just plain nice!

Kapow!

[Laurie]

Hi Cindy,

   Mouse spider in the fridge huh? Guarding against those gremlins running around your place? You do know you aren't supposed to feed them after midnight and about all don't get them wet or you'll have them everywhere. It would seem you have a couple running around between your ears at the moment. You and me both dear, you and me both. I was going to say mine haven't been too active yet but then I forget the havoc they've caused these last several months. I'm thinking they might be napping for a few more days. They can be nasty little creatures.
   KAPOW!  kapow indeed. I love your sense of humor in the way you relate your adventures to us. You always cause a grin to appear on my face as the plot develops. Your stories are every bit (if not more) as fun for us as some poor girl wannabe locking her purse and keys in her vehicle at a bust truck stop. gas station.even I have to laugh at that one now.
  Starting a second career huh? I used to go out and collect spiders myself when I was younger. You are right spiders are frequently very pretty in all the horror they inspire in us. Of course for them it is just survival..  I imagine it is just survival for you and I too with the specter of cancer hanging over us. For me it's been over three years, but it doesn't go far from our thoughts does it?
   I do hope you are serious about getting out with that group and prowling the bush for your eight legged  pets. It'll do you good ,Lady.

Love ya, Hon,
  Laurie

[Shy]

I really like spiders too, but I wouldn't want to be one, too many legs to shave

Pleasant dreams Cindy,

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Gertrude]

Some people are tools for authority. They probably get validated by doing what their masters want. My wife is a validation queen. It comes from a perfectionist Co-dependent parent where nothing is good enough and there always something wrong. These people tend to spend their lives trying to get mommy and or daddy figures approval. Companies love these people.


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[stephaniec]

welcome to retirement

[stephaniec]

kind of a bummer I thought you caught a spder that ate mice