I feel motivated to talk about one of the earliest tipping points and that is realizing one is trans and, in my case, later in life. Last night, I finished the survey about heath care put out by Susan. I have had very supportive health care people. I decided to type in 'transgender' into You Tube and see what came up. Others have had vastly different experiences from me , so I thought I would explore a bit. I came upon this video of a guy acting like a scientist. I will go into as little detail about his main thesis as it is toxic in my opinion. He would refer to M to feminine instead of male to female. He spoke of those of us who transition later in life with a smirk on his face. He would basically sum us up as being a group of people driven to act female because of sexual desire. I came away from it thinking about the poor people just exploring their gender issues and happening upon this video. I could see how it would confuse them and maybe discourage them from their own real self discovery. So, how did this apply to my journey? When I was young, I would go to sleep at night as early as four years old and dream of being female. It was very pleasant thinking on my part, but not sexual in any way. I was not a child like Jazz or maybe Julia here on Susan's. I went along with the 'male plan' that everyone in my life had for me. It was possible for me because of my particular make up. It was a battle. When puberty hit, this feminine aspect of me was incorporated into my sexual thoughts. Not having the body match my thoughts of who my mind said I was, made for difficult times. My sexual thought pattern got squeezed in a sense. It intensified my femininity at times only to have it come crashing down in the reality that being a female was out of reach for me. This process could easily be mistaken by me or some some pseudo scientist type as a sexually driven femininity. More importantly some newbies out there might buy into his views and wander in limbo for years thinking, "It is just sexual, this thing that drives me." I lived that limbo for decades. I was convinced I wasn't 'trans enough' to do anything. Would you like further proof that it wasn't what I thought, just a sexual thing? Well, at 57 years old, I couldn't stand the battle any longer. I had to try something. I did transition. If what this guy says about this being a sexual thing was true, as my drive went down with the hormones, I would be less feminine, less happy, less comfortable. The opposite was true. Believe me, I watched myself, thinking that with each step I took, my world might fall in on me. The reality was this. Sexuality was less important to who I was than I thought. Living female was right, comfortable for me. Every personal interaction is better with me as a female instead of as a male. Getting my body right was amazing, never a second thought that it was wrong. I am finally a whole person.
So why am I writing this? It is a cautionary tale for those of you exploring your own gender story. You will come upon people passing themselves off as scientists. They will try to stick you in a box and slap on a label telling you your claims of who you are are illegitimate, a perversion, bogus. Don't let them convince you that what you feel is this bla bla bla classic pattern that some scientist created. You are the expert of you. You may not know all your answers yet, and that is okay. I just sat there last night watching this smug guy talk about how he knows trans. He knows nothing. If anyone is perverse, it is the person who gets his jollies out of demeaning trans people without a clue as to what it is really like being trans. Lol, I'm woman enough to admit I don't really understand 'cis.'
Moni
I am woman, hear me roar! (Someone should write a song)
