Questioning?

[Resilience203]

Hey all, wondering if anyone has a similar experience? I've been on T for 5.5 weeks and I feel so much more stable and happier. I've started noticing changes, people have commented that my face shape is starting to change and I'm noticing some facial hair and voice deepening.
I'm just having a really tough time in figuring out how I feel. I have always hated being a girl. I have resented it to no end and always identified more as a male. If I had a choice, I would have been born a boy, hands down. Despite this, male pronouns scare me. Since I still look very feminine, it makes me uncomfortable to ask people to use male pronouns and to explain/feel like they're judging me because obviously they know I'm transitioning. If I looked more masculine/passed easier, I would love using male pronouns, but right now, looking female, I don't feel like I can use male pronouns.

I have anxiety and ocd and I think my fears of being rejected by those closest to me (my parents have said I am no longer welcome to be in the family if I pursue transition) are what's really getting to me. I do not want to stop T, I am so looking forward to top surgery and days where I no longer have to wear a bra/shirt, but I'm just having such doubts about this process and if my feelings are right/enough to transition. These doubts are telling me I'm not really trans, that I'll regret this, that this is a mistake.

Have any of you felt similarly? What helps you cope? Is it just getting over the hump of the early stages of transition and then anxiety settles down?

[Laurie]

Hey all, wondering if anyone has a similar experience? I've been on T for 5.5 weeks and I feel so much more stable and happier. I've started noticing changes, people have commented that my face shape is starting to change and I'm noticing some facial hair and voice deepening.
I'm just having a really tough time in figuring out how I feel. I have always hated being a girl. I have resented it to no end and always identified more as a male. If I had a choice, I would have been born a boy, hands down. Despite this, male pronouns scare me. Since I still look very feminine, it makes me uncomfortable to ask people to use male pronouns and to explain/feel like they're judging me because obviously they know I'm transitioning. If I looked more masculine/passed easier, I would love using male pronouns, but right now, looking female, I don't feel like I can use male pronouns.

I have anxiety and ocd and I think my fears of being rejected by those closest to me (my parents have said I am no longer welcome to be in the family if I pursue transition) are what's really getting to me. I do not want to stop T, I am so looking forward to top surgery and days where I no longer have to wear a bra/shirt, but I'm just having such doubts about this process and if my feelings are right/enough to transition. These doubts are telling me I'm not really trans, that I'll regret this, that this is a mistake.

Have any of you felt similarly? What helps you cope? Is it just getting over the hump of the early stages of transition and then anxiety settles down?

Hi Resilience,

  I am Laurie. I am no doubt a lot older than you and I am MtF. But these fears of rejection are very real and hard to deal with. I know this not only because I felt it myself, but because I have experienced it with the one I love most in this world. My daughter, I have just recently stopped wanting to do away with myself thanks to an antidepressant, my therapist and many of the people here that care about me. It was listening to a few here that I told my therapist about how I was feeling. It is hard hun, very hard. With your anxiety  it would be very smart for you to talk to your doctor or therapist about these things.
  Having doubts is also a very common thing to be going through and again your therapist if you have one can help you with that too. Here at Susan's you will get support and people like myself that want to help. Obviously you will relate better to those who are going through  the same sort of things that you are. I'm talking about the FtM members. I'm sure some will see you posts tonight or tomorrow.
I hope they don't have to wait too long.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Elis]

When I started T it took me a good couple of weeks to finally accept/realise T was right for me and so was transitioning. I realised the T was making me feel calmer and happier within my own body. Just takes time for the body/mind to adjust.

I also realised my anxiety was a separate issue from me being trans and so had therapy; which was a huge help.

Just have to power through those first couple of weeks. It gets easier

[Resilience203]

Thank you both for the responses. I am in therapy for ocd and have been for a handful of years, I also work with a LGBTQ therapist as well which has helped a lot.
I noticed my first couple of weeks on T were rough with anxiety and then things settled down a lot and now week 5/6 are getting bad with anxiety again. It's really related to whether or not transitioning is right for me l. I feel like it is and then that anxiety makes me completely rethink the whole thing. It's frustrating.

[The Flying Lemur]

I'm really sorry to hear that your family is not accepting of you.  That has to drive your anxiety through the roof.  As for whether transitioning is right for you, I obviously can't say, but I've read on this site many times that cis people don't sit around endlessly questioning their gender.  They either never think about it, or maybe have a few doubts once that they easily brush aside.  Also, I don't think a cis woman would be happy with the changes T brings on, if she were even likely to take T--which she wouldn't be.  You're the expert on you, but to me, you sound pretty trans.

As for whether or not transition is worth being expelled from your family, that's a question I'd work on with your therapist.  It's worth noting that some rejecting family members do change their minds over months and years, though.   

[Pao]

I struggle with these same doubts. I was on T for 3 months, then I quit for a while, and then I came back. I still find myself thinking those sorts of things. Mainly I think it has to do with fear of rejection, feeling overwhelmed with coming out. Wondering if I will ever really feel happy with anything. But I love how T makes me feel. I love feelings stronger. I get excited with most of the physical changes. So I just keep going. If things get to hard I can stop. I k ow I won't go completely back, but I am ok with that.

[Kylo]

Sounds more like you're doubting whether the family sacrifices are worth it rather than doubting if you are actually trans.

I think we all have those kind of thoughts at some point.

I always look at transitioning not as a goal or thing I just "want" but as a health measure. If I didn't, I would continue being anxious and suppressed for the rest of my life. That's more important than what other people want me to do. It's also possible I will continue to be anxious and oppressed afterwards, I just don't know, but to me it is important that I do something about it, and not run away from problems only to regret I didn't do anything when it's too late. I know things won't change if I do nothing, and I can see how it's gonna pan out for the rest of my life if I just kept on and did nothing about these problems. A couple of decades showed me the dysphoria was never going to go away. (I hoped it would and it didn't).

I also had a very fem face before transition and was always skeptical it would work out. At this point over a year on T, it's fine. I've got a decent amount of facial hair thanks to minoxidil. But aside from that, transition and hormones is worth it just on its own level - the mental benefits of T on its own have been more effective than any therapy or prescriptions drugs ever have been. It's actually made me much healthier in general - it's loosed up my habit of not wanting to fix my body and get healthy, or go out much, and has stopped me hiding myself away, even stopped my frequent nightmares and bad quality sleep. It's already been worth its weight in gold so to speak. But - if you're surrounded by stress and people making your life a misery T won't help your depression or anxiety. You have to take steps to get away from stressful people and poor relationships. I think as male characteristic develop properly your doubts will get even further away, but again only as long as some people aren't putting you through the grinder daily for them. It's very hard to enjoy the benefits of transition if someone's in your face making you feel guilty for them. Rather than give over to them you should think about independence and distancing yourself some from people who can't accept you. Clearly you say you are feeling better on T and worse around certain people. It won't be what you want to hear but living life for other people's satisfaction alone when you know there are things about yourself you need is a recipe for regret and maybe even resentment or hate.

[Resilience203]

Thank you for the responses! It is giving me a lot to think about. I definitely know I am not happy with my female body. I have always identified with male things and felt more masculine the feminine. I've had incredible struggles with suicidal ideation and well as anorexia and body image issues. I feel as if now, picturing top surgery, I can look in the mirror and smile and think that my body is finally starting to match how I feel.

It's always stressful to go through changes and I do appreciate all of your input.