Hi everyone! I'm a 54 yo queer translady living in the beautiful state of New Mexico. Originally born & raised in the Pittsburgh area, I came here 20+ years ago for a vacation and fell in love with NM. A year later & my then-partner & I sold most of our belongings, packed up the rest in a truck & drove cross-country to Albuquerque. I've been here ever since.
Until early last year my true gender had been largely repressed. Pre-puberty I'd always secretly thought of myself as a girl and never experienced pushback from my family over my girlishness. I knew I was "supposed" to be a boy, so I didn't tell everyone I was a girl – I was taught that a child should never contradict an adult. Besides, I was always allowed to play with the girls rather than the boys, so why rock the boat?
That changed from the first day I boarded the bus for middle school at age 11. The bullies, ranging in age from 12 to 18, heaped on as much abuse, humiliation & harassment as they could. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents what was going on and any other adults who witnessed the bullying chose to look the other way. Perhaps they thought the "sissy-boy" would toughen up. It was the 1970s – bullying was just "kids being kids" (it isn't at all).
I reached a point by age 12 when I'd had enough of always derisively being called "woman" and "Miss America", though now I sometimes think, "well, at least they gendered me correctly!" One day, after getting bashed in back of my head with a dictionary, I decided that no one was ever going to help me. Desperately I tried to excise as much of my girlishness as I could, and to hide what I couldn't. I consciously chose to change the way I walked, gesticulated, talked, etc. I got so good at pretending I wasn't a girl that I eventually convinced myself I was a boy. Within a year I unsuccessfully tried to hang myself, my first brush with suicide.
When my sexuality started to awaken, I was horrified that I was only interested in boys. Eventually, after far too much teen anguish, I was able to self-identify as gay. In high school. In 1979.
Until last year, that's how I've lived my life – as an out, loud & proud gay man. So it was surreal for me a couple of years ago when I discovered I was carrying around a soul-eating amount of shame. At first I thought, "how can I still have shame about being a gay man?", then "how can I still have shame about being effeminate?" I didn't understand why I felt the way I did, and why I was once again struggling with depression.
Working with a therapist, I began to explore what was going on. Eventually I realized that my shame was tied to my gender. Perhaps I was just a feminine man who needed to accept himself or a drag queen who'd long ago missed her boat. Neither of those felt right - instead I was on a gender journey with an unknown destination. Genderqueer? Maybe. Gender-questioning? Sure. Gender variant? Definitely.
It wasn't until early last year that things started to become clear – I'm a queer transwoman. Still feeling a mixture of certainty & doubt, I started HRT in August. I told myself that if it's true I'm trans, I'd know for sure within 3 months of starting HRT. Silly me – I knew after the first week that I am definitely transgender and that transition is the right path for me.
Now I'm out to both my husband & my best friend as well as a few female friends, my supervisor, and my "big boss" at work. Still in semi-boy mode at work for now but my plan is to finish the bulk of my beard electrolysis by May or June, then go full-time at work. At home currently I present as androgynous while slowly feminizing my wardrobe as money & creativity allow. I also sometimes attend a transfeminine support group at the local NM Transgender Resource Center.
I'm a secular Buddhist who meditates daily. I enjoy reading (fantasy, sci-fi, & biographies, mostly), playing with & loving on my 12 year old Jack Russell Terrier, spending time with my chosen family, writing, taking care of houseplants, hiking, shopping (when the budget allows!), knitting when the mood strikes, and good conversations. I also wrestle with an eating disorder; binge-eating now, was anorexia & exercise bulimia in my 20s/30s. It's not the problem it once was, thanks to my therapist & working a 12-step program.
Glad to be here & looking forward to the future!
