so it would really help to hear what other people think because I have really bad anxiety and I am finding hard to just accept it and it just keeps going around and around in my head and its driving me insane so here is my evidence:
EVIDENCE THAT I AM TRANSGENDER:
-Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
-Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
-Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
-Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
-A belief that muscle mass is disgusting (this belief came as I went through puberty I didnt really have this belief when I was really young),
-Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
-A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
-Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
-I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty, ubject m
-When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
-I hate being called handsome,
-I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
-I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
-I liked shaving my legs,
-I liked shaving my arm pits,
-While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
-When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
-I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
-I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
-I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
-When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
-I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
-Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
-When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
-One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
-regularly fantasizing about being a girl,
-Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
-When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
-If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
-Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
-Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
-When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
-Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
-Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
-I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
-No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
-When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
-I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
-My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
-Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
-My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
-When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her "I dont want to be a boy",
-I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
-When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the 'others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the 'others',
-In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
-I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like ->-bleeped-<-,
-Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought "yes there is a reason for that"),
-I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
-I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
-In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like "other boys" on a few occasions,
-My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
-Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
-I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
-I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
-I always thought my skin was to rough,
-I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
-Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
-When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
-When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
-When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
-The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
-I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
-Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
-I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult,
-The SAGE test said I was trans with a very androgynous personality,
-I put clothes in my shirt to make it look like I had breasts and I thought it looked really good,
-The COGIATI TEST said that I am trans,
-I have had dreams about becoming a girl and they make me really happy when I have them and I always like to have those dreams,
-I always act robotic and emotionless because inside I am screaming constantly (and the only way I get relief is if I suppress all feelings),
-I now believe that my anxiety and depression may have been the effects of these feelings bleeding through my mental barriers because anti depressants never worked as well as they should,
-My brain stopped working correctly at puberty and I saw a considerable decrease in intelligence as well as an increase in unhappiness however the using the 1351z brang back my intelligence and I understood something instantly that I was trying to understand for ages beforehand,
-I have also seen a decrease in the other anxiety problems after I worked out I was a girl,
-Sometimes I look at my legs and think they are too close together,
-When I was very young I used to sit down to urinate for a long time because I thought standing up was yucky but then when people realised I was doing this they told me I had to stand up,
-When I pull my hair back I think my jaw looks big and ugly,
-When I got a female hip to waist ratio from walking I felt really proud of myself,
-When I feel worried about certain female body parts I often learn that my mind was imagining them the wrong way for example when I was worried about the different jaw my mind thought girls had a huge overbite but I know thats not true but my imagination was malfunctioning my imagination often completely overexadurates features and that makes me anxious but usually when I imagine them properly I like the girl features,
-my doubts can be explained by my OCD because I have had similar mental battles wirth it in the past about other things,
-after a day of being confused and worried I cried about how my anxieties were trying to take this away from me because when I first worked out that I was a girl I felt clear for the first time in years but now my anxieties and confusion are confusing me, I doubt a boy would react in this way,
-I figured out that most of my fears were not fears of being a girl but they were fears of not wanting to be a girl,
-I did a mental experiment where if a doctor told me I was a girl I would be happier than I have ever been but if they told me I wasn't I would be sadder than I have ever been,
-When I feel unsure about what I want reassuring myself that I must want to be a girl makes me feel better,
-Using faceapp to morph my face to a female face usually makes it look better as long as it doesnt change it too much for example sometimes it makes the eyes bigger and that looks rediculus but when it doesnt do stuff like that it usually looks a whole lot better than my male face,
-No matter how much I worry, no matter how much I ask "do I really want x body part", no matter how much I whatever I still come back to the conclusion that I want to be a girl eventually,
You would think that having wide hips would be wierd but after I made my hips wider with selective excercise they look better somehow even though on paper you would think it was strange,
-although I dont want to look like every girl I see sometimes I see a girl that I would like to look something like,
-I have noticed many ways in which my brain is similar to female brains for example I take a long time to feel attracted to someone while males will feel attracted to someone as soon as they see them females generally take longer,
-I have also noticed my sex drive is more like a girls because I dont really like porn videos they make me feel uncomfortable, I would much rather read about what is happening this is also similar to females I also am turned on alot more with emotions rather than just animalistic behaviours,
-thinking of myself as a guy has become intollerable,
-I have always thought of testosterone as an illness and I tried to purge my mind of its effects when I was young and I somewhat successful,
-boys around me were always proud of their penises for some reason and I didnt know why I thought my dick was just this useless thing that pumps poision into my body that slowly turns me into a "nenderthal" and gives me disgusting compulsions that is why I wanted it removed although I could not get it removed I rebelled against the compulsions and said "NO" and I suppressed the testosterone to the point that it had little effect over my mind (and this happened even before I knew I wanted to be a girl),
-although I do have sexual thoughts about being a guy I have always fought against them because I always had the belief that they were disgusting and wrong,
-I have heard that boys brains are better at simulating and girls brains are better at remembering, when I was young I was very good at both but when puberty hit I got worse at both of them but when I did the experiment with 1351hz (estrogen frequency) these abilities came back and I felt like fog had been cleared,
-my mum said I cant change until I become a functional human being because if I change now people will kill me and after that I started to feel feelings of hatred and revenge against the whole human species,
-when my doubts get to high I start wanting to ->-bleeped-<-ing kill myself,
-before I worked out I was trans I constantly felt angry or sad or depressed or anxious,
-when my mum told me I cant transistion (until I become a functional human being) I started feeling like I wanted to die and life didnt matter and I felt angry at all humans and I felt like all humans needed to go extinct and I once again started feeling emotionally dead,
-there was 1 year in the last 6 years that I felt happy but during that year but I still tried to turn myself into a girl during that time,
-during my teen years I considered sex to be disgusting and I constantly fought against my sex drive eventually I started masterbating to try to manage (to trick my brain into thinking that I was sexually active so it would leave me be) my sex drive I considered the mental effects of puberty to be a corruption of my brain that I needed to defeat and I often get angry that my testosterone messes with me and I HATE BEING MESSED WITH I often feel like I am being mind controlled by my hormones (at the time I didnt know this had anything to do with my gender I just thought I was mental),
-most of the time when I am confused I try to prove to mysel f that I am a girl, and when I cant or I get to confused to do that I get upset but when I am sure I am a girl I am happy so I must want to be a girl deep down,
In the past I have gotten so worried about the changes and so unsure about everything that I go back to being a guy and for a little while that gives me a sense of relief but then I get sadder and sadder until I cry and go back to being a girl,
-I feel gender Euphoria the same way as other trans girls describe it when people reassure me that I am a girl and everything will be ok,
-no matter how many times I doubt it I always come back to the conclusion that I must be a girl,
-I think it looks much better when I tuck my dick bettween my legs so I cant see it,
-when I thought I was a boy bettween the waves I didnt really feel like a boy I felt what people now call 'Agender' but I just called myself a boy for convience there were very few times where I felt like 'one of the guys',
-when i found a new tv show I liked I always looked to see if there were gender change episodes,
-I watched gender change episodes of random TV shows even if the TV show was crap and I always consumed media about boys turning into girls,
-I didnt want to date girls alot of the time because it felt wrong because I thought they were still my peers somehow and at the time I rationalised it that it must be a biproduct of hanging with them when I was a kid (however there were times where i did consider dating girls but I never went through with it or maybe I did try once but It didnt work and I didnt try again but my opinion on dating has been all over the place but I have been mostly against it and for a while everyone occasionally asked me if I was gay),
-the idea of having sex as a guy upsets me a lot most of the time if I did it I think I might cry,
-I have become desensitized to looking at myself in the mirror but if I look at myself from a slightly different angle through pictures or using a video moniter/camera it makes me sick and I think I look like a monster and then I get really uncomfortable and then shun the video monitor and feel horrible and feel sad,
-I am begining to notice how different I am to the boys particulally my closest genetic male relative jordan,
-I suppressed my feminine emotional side actively Regecting anything girly and I sort of adopted the persona of someone with no feelings by copying creatures that have none like daleks, cybermen, and replicators and made those creatures my role models and actively showed distrain for emotion and became cruel to anyone who showed feelings but when I was alone my more female side came out and I felt emotions like love especially when reading or watching an emotional story that hits close to home,
-for all my life I felt different and I tried to find people like me but I couldnt and I felt very alone through my childhood and as a child I didnt think I was human and during my teenage years I believed I was a broken human being and my brain was just ->-bleeped-<-ed up and I became bitter and sad,
-I do not share a fixation on my penis that boys seem to have I just dont care if my dick is small its not an insult to me in fact I like the idea of people saying its small because it makes me think I am more female like,
-the first time I masturbated it really hurt,
-when I put my hair In pig tails I liked it but when I did it I noticed how big and ugly my hands were,
-I seem to only feel alot of doubt when I have been feeling anxious when I am not anxious I am pretty sure of myself
-most of the time I dont see a boy when I look in the mirror when I look in thd mirror I am very confused by what I see and cant tell if its a boy or a girl (however sometimes I see a boy and sometimes I see a girl),
-I dont like my wide sholders,
-I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see my penis and I dont like touching it when I pee for some reason so I usually pee either sitting or I pee standing up but without holding my penis,
-I dont persue girls or sex the way the boys do because my motivation for such things is minimal and persuing girls like that feels wrong to me it feels like I am somehow disrespecting them or abusing them,
-when I have doubts I always come back to the conclusion that I am a girl eventually,
-I am very against the idea of having broad shoulders,
DOUBTS
-Ever since I learnt I have gender dysphoria i have been noticing it more which makes me question if its a placebo effect
-I have a transformation fetish and have always been fascinated with the concept of someone changing into something else and I used to think my trans feelings were just an extension of that and when I was a child I really liked movies about people turning into animals and stuff (but I never wanted to turn into an animal I was just fascinated by the concept),
-sometimes I feel really confused about what I want and I feel confused and usure as to what I am,
-when my dysphoria goes away I sometimes feel really unsure and scared of the changes that will happen to my body (but that I believe has to do with the fact that I fear change because I have Autism and Anxiety and when my dysphoria goes away imagining/trying to make the changes doesnt bring me relief the same way it does when I am feeling dysphoric, because change has always been the 1 thing that scares me and makes me uncomfortable more than anything else),
-sometimes I think I might just be crazy and have some kind of body dissociative disorder,
-I have never had real body hair on my chest but when I stuck hair on my chest that I got from my head to test whether it triggered dysphoria or not it didnt I felt pretty neutral about whether I stuck hair on my chest or not, but I have had dysphroria from real body hair and from facial hair so this really confuses me,
