Hi Rlacy,
Knowing that you want to transition is hard. I repressed my feelings of wanting to be a woman for most of my life. I think as a result I didn't have feelings of being a woman trapped in a man's body or severe hatred of my body even while I secretly longed to be a woman. Once I figured out that I was trans (about a month ago) I have started taking small steps with the intent of figuring out if I should move forwards with transitioning. I painted my nails under my socks at work, I started wearing women's underwear, I started sitting to pee, I started shaving my body hair and then trying on women's clothes. Each step led to another and each one feels good to me and so I take another. I find that there is this need within me to keep taking the next step. I don't even really think about it on some levels, I just do it. There are days of doubt, but for some reason I keep taking steps and they keep feeling good.
Once I lose a little bit of weight, I will start hrt. While I look forward to physical feminization, I really want to see how I *feel* on hormones as another indicator that I am on the right track.
If you are trans, generally these feelings continue to get more and more intense as you get older, so it is best to deal with them while you are young and a transition isn't as hard as you haven't fully masculinized yet. Also, you will not have wasted 5, 10, 20 or 30 plus years living a lie. I know that a good therapist isn't particularly close to you, but a properly experienced therapist is really the only thing that will be able to help you sort through these feelings.
Best of luck and keep asking us ladies questions...we are here to help.
Julie
