Before I start, I'd like to clarify that I am ready to come out to my mildly transphobic mother. I'm almost certain she already knows and I've been being ignored by her whenever I say something that "sounds gay" or anything that hints that I'm trans. She doesn't say anything directly attacking a person who may be trans, but in discussions I have with her she constantly dodges facts supporting our identities and she invalidates it constantly. She says it's disrespectful that trans people want people to respect their pronouns and their preferred name because they're "asking people to lie to them about their true selves" which really upset me. The last time we had a really deep talk about this she was screaming at me in the car about how I'm selfish for not talking about my feelings to her and I've become everything she never wanted to deal with and the fight started with us talking about gender. I didn't even start the fight, she went out of her way to bring it up. After that she kissed me on the cheek like nothing happened and we went inside and she was calm enough to let me show her some of my research, but she's still very resistant. You see, she knows that being trans is valid, but she keeps trying to bring up biased arguments made by anti-trans organizations. She just doesn't wanna admit she was wrong and she's always been like this.
I'm planning on coming out to her in March. I think she's gonna cry more than anything because me confirming that I'm trans is just the end of the ->-bleeped-<-ing world to her. Her potential reaction isn't gonna stop me because I'm sick and tired of hiding my identity, but I think I'm so terrified of coming out is because her constantly invalidating me almost every day in these gender arguments is making me not so proud to be trans. I don't wanna keep hiding because I feel like I'm being untrue to myself telling the world that I'm female when I'm not, but she's making me feel so ashamed of my identity even though I know there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I've known I was transgender for my entire life and have had a term for it for five years (since I was a little under ten and I'm fifteen this year) and I don't wanna hold this in anymore. I guess I just need some support, because coming out at school is another obstacle.
My school is pretty accepting for the most part (although I have gotten harassed in washrooms a couple times...fun). There's of course still some people who are dumb but it's not like I'm completely surrounded by them wherever I go. There's some safe spaces and I'm very thankful for that, but my main concern is just one girl in my science class. Now, hold onto your butts for a story. This girl, we'll call her Gabriella, was my best friend growing up. We did so much together and we went to the same church and stuff. I've stopped going to church because I hate it there and I had a mental breakdown/tantrum in the parking lot because I didn't wanna go and I had to wear a dress which gave me really bad dysphoria and she doesn't like that. She just got baptized a few months ago and she's been shunning me for a while now (ever since I cut my hair two years ago) and we're obviously not friends anymore. Our lockers are next to each other too, so sometimes we make small talk, and she makes it a point to keep using my female birth name over and over even though I've changed my name on the attendance to my gender neutral birth middle name. I'm thinking of just not coming out in science class because I'm scared she'll say something to me or she'll tell her parents (her dad is highly esteemed in the congregation) and I'll get a meeting with all the elders and they're gonna talk to me about my life and I'm gonna get a million fake phone calls from people who only wanna tell me more about how to live my life properly. They don't understand that I don't want to be anything in particular. I just want to be.
So, uhh...I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don't want to not be out in science class because of one person's reaction. I wanna be stronger than her because I know that no matter how much I don't believe in myself, I am strong. I wanna rise above all the people who hate me for who I am and I wanna know that I belong no matter what they say, but this is giving me a lot of anxiety. I feel extremely alone and unsupported even though I know that's not the reality. I hope I don't seem stupid or anything telling all these things on a forum, it's just that I don't have anyone who gets what I'm going through right now even though I am out to people. I'm out to them but they don't get it.
Thank you for reading this if you did. I really appreciate it. You cared enough to read about some kid on the internet's anxieties and you made his day just by caring. However I do have a question: does anyone have any tips for coming out in my scenario? Or anything that might make me feel a little stronger? Thank you so much, you are all lovely.
