Trying to Understand - still hurt

[atlantean]

My husband is a cross dresser, and I'm trying to be supportive, trying to understand, trying not feel threatened and scared and betrayed. But I DON'T understand. Can somebody please help me? Give me some tools to work my way through this? He says he's 100% hetero, not interested in guys at all, but LOVES to dress/BE a woman. I'm starting counseling in a few days, and I'm hoping that will help. I love my husband very very much and I want him to be happy.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello there.

Welcome to Susan's.  I am not a Significant Other and this is the Significant Others Forum, so I won't advise you but make the following comments as there are significant others here who are in a much better position than I to provide such advice:

However let me first direct you to our Wiki that contains a lot of information on Cross-dressing by clicking here.  Just do a search on cross dressing and you will see there is a lot to digest.

What your husband says is quite true.  Just because he likes to wear women's cloths does not make him Gay, and it will not cause him to become Gay.  The major issue at this point is NOT to feel threatened, scared, or betrayed.  Talk openly, frankly, and honestly with him and try to find out what his and your needs are, for you both to remain happy there will obviously need to be compromises from you both.

I'll leave it at that, and again welcome you to Susan's.  If you browse around the forums, and the Wiki you will see that there are many here who have faced or are facing the same dilemmas you yourself are experiencing.  As you will see we are a friendly bunch, who come from a variety of back grounds with a variety of stories.

So elax and enjoy your stay, you're amongst friends

Steph

[Kimberly]

Hello there Atlantean, I am pleased to meet you.

While I am not a SO hopefully I can point you in the direction of a little information until the other nice SOs comment.

Perhaps the best tools I can think of is this very forum and the wiki. The forum is of value in that you can read what some of our nice crossdressing members have mentioned, in their own words. While the wiki has information on numerous transgender topics including Cross-dressing among many others.

Please feel welcomed and at ease and please feel free to comment on any topics that catch your eye

[Peggiann]

Hi there.

I want to welcome you to this wonderful place. I'm a Significant Other of Leah. I think Shock is one of the other emotions you'll feel coming in soon too if you haven't already. I can understand your feelings, threatened and scared and betrayed, and I encourage you to communicate everything to your husband. Be open in even the littlest issues that you think you maybe able to get past or that you think not as important as others that seem monumentous to you now. It's easier to face bigger issues as you work through this when you feel like you are accomplishing and gaining headway. It's those little issues that will help rebuild the bridges in trust and help you past the hurt. As you feel smothered and as if you could drownd they will provide you with the needed boulders to manuver out of the river to the bank for safty.


The wiki Pages you'll find a link for at the top of this page. It is a word in Purple. Click on the Word Wiki. Do read up on all there is to the CrossDresser. It will help you understand what needs are fullfilled for husband in doing this. Through that you will gain the understanding to realize that your security and place in his heart are not being threatend.The thought of the possiblity to loose your husband and being scared will be an emotion that gradually leaves. If you have not shared this site with you Husband you probably should. It will help you both.

Ways you can be supportive is to help your spouse find the right look for them if you are ready for this step and if in fact your spouse want's you to help in that area. Being supportive doesn't neccessarily mean that you have to see him in femme mode. You can be accepting in degrees that you are comfortable with. Those are the comprimises Stephanie spoke of. Being supportive is as you said "I'm trying to understand, Give me some tools to work my way through this? I starting counseling in a few days, and I'm hoping that will help. I love my husband very very much and I want him to be happy." The only thing I would change is that to remind you that it is both of you that will be working your way through this. You are married and you are as one. Tackle this issue as one together.

Try to remember that because your husband likes to dress in female clothing does not make him any less a man. His arms will feel the same when they hug you. He still will be able to be the male role model in your family. If he has been fullfilling these rolls in your life this long then just because you know of the deep secret does not mean that ability to meet these rolls needs has changed.

Do you have children? How long have you been together?

I learned of my husbands secret after 20 years of marriage.

You can Personal Message or email me at anytime if you like. I'm here for all who need a listener, and when you need to ask a question I'll do my best to have an answer or point you to another that might.

Welcome again and do try not to solve all the issues in one setting. Although that's kind of an urge to do... thinking ok let's talk it all out now once and for all and get it over with and move on, But hun it doesn't work that way. It's really the wanting things back to the way they were that drive this urge.


Smiles,
Peggiann

[Kate Thomas]

Atlantean  I am very happy to see you made it here!
Welcome
I am sure that you will find some real support and help at susans.

Enjoy Your time here!
Hugs
KateAlice

[Cassandra]

Hello Atlanta,

I am also not an SO but I did want to stop by and welcome you to Susan's. I won't go into any advice as like Steph I'm not really qualified in that department were So's are concerned. So I will leave you to the SO's like Peggianne to help you out. I would like to invite you to fix yourself a cup of tea or other relaxing beverage sit down take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Chaunte]

Atlantean,

And feel free to ask questions here, anywhere and of anyone.

Chaunte

[atlantean]

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially to KateAlice for directing me here. I'm going to settle in and do some reading and research. And thanks too, Chaunte for the invitation to ask questions. Believe me, I will! 

Atlantean

[Alison]

Atlantean-

Very nice to meet you  

I'm the Significant other of Jaycie

When you first find out your husband has feelings of wanting to feel/be feminine it really does throw you for a loop, it changes your entire dynamic of your family.. it makes you question -everything-

Don't feel alone, It is perfectly normal to be really confused, hurt, annoyed, etc over this...  it's important to talk to your spouse about it (and us, if you're comfortable! )  Communication is golden, at all times in your marriage, but especially with something new like this surfacing... The fact that you've come for assistance in this is awesome

Welcome!

[angelsgirl]

Hello there!

I'm Kelly, the Significant Other of Little Lynn (Jocelyn), and I have some advice, if you would like to hear it.   I going to bet that you're feeling a little bit like you suddenly don't know who your husband really is...but let me assure you that for however long you've know and loved him, he has not changed on the inside because of his crossdressing.  Whether or not the behavior of crossdressing is new to him, the want or need to do it has probably been there a very long time.  Please take it as a comfort to know that the outward appearance doesn't change who he is inside and that this is just one more thing that you've come to know about him. He is still the person you fell in love with.  Also, don't take it as a sign of something that you as a woman or spouse has done wrong (in case you're analyzing that, because a lot of us do in everyday life, let alone the larger issues!)  Also, if you're feeling hurt that he kept this from you for so long, it most likely that he kept the secret from out of fear of hurting your feelings, fear that the marriage would end, and fear that you would not continue to love him, not because he's untrustworthy.  So when he says that he's 100% hetero, you'll just have to trust him.  Relationships that last usually have a strong foundation in trusting one another and the 20yrs that you've been together is certaintly nothing to sneeze at! And one more thing...try looking into yourself and examining what exactly it is about your husband's crossdressing that makes you feel scared, threatened, and betrayed and then why those things make you feel that way.  Breaking it down into pieces may help you find what you need in order to cope, rather than being bombarded with the entire issue.  I hope everything looks up for you real soon, and if you ever want my two cents on something I'll be glad to give it!