Questioning my Gender and Identity

[GCGirl91]

Hi. My Birth name is Cameron, but I've never liked it and I've always felt like it didn't fit me. The last couple of years I've been questioning if I'm Transsexual.

Since I was 11, I've always felt drawn to Women's Bathing Suits, Lingerie, Dresses, etc. Wearing them made me feel both comfortable and like I was supposed to be wearing them. I've never gotten anything sexual about cross dressing.

Before that, although I had many male toys and did like to play with them, I secretly liked to play with my sister's Barbie Doll collection. I also tended to like music that others around me considered too girly for a boy.

In High School I started wanting to grow my hair and nails out, but couldn't because I was male. I've felt attracted to several Women's Hairstyles and also felt a desire to try and wear makeup. I had a several boys I was friends with and often hung out, but I really wanted to hang out with the girls. Being around several of my female classmates and a few of my teachers, I would look at them and instantly wanted to be them.

I've always been vain about my appearance and have never been happy with how I look or dress. I look at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see. I try to dress my gender and age but never feel comfortable around others in public. I absolutely despise my Facial Hair and Male Body Hair and have considered either Laser Hair Removal or Electrolysis to get rid of it. I've never liked my genitals and felt both embarrassed and ashamed changing my clothes for PE in front of other boys in the locker room.

I started questioning my gender back in high school and would research it online when I had a chance. Both the videos, the articles and the forum posts I read spoke volumes to me and had me feeling like everything in my life made sense.

The turning point for me came just a few months ago back in mid December. I went on a family vacation to Walt Disney World and felt deeply uncomfortable the whole trip. I would see other girls my age, in their teens and about five or ten years older and it made me want to be like them. I felt deeply ashamed about my appearance and grew very moody and depressed.

I managed to get a few hours alone in the Hotel to myself and I looked into the mirror and admitted to myself that I felt that I was Transgender. I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and I felt relieved. I immediately made plans for when I returned home. I anxiously planned to start looking for a therapist, to buy clothes and makeup online, and to start a diary.

But when I got home and got to my room, I saw a picture of my dad and me when I was little and felt both guilty and ashamed. My Dad died when I was young and I've missed him everyday since. My Mom told me a story a few years ago that they were expecting me to be a girl but when I was born I turned out to be a boy and my dad was really thrilled.

So I decided to try and suppress my feeling and just accept the gender I was born as. I fell into what felt like a deep depression for about two weeks and found it very difficult to get through the days. I felt like breaking down and crying several times and often slept most of the day, unable to will myself to get up. I did come out of it for a couple of days and once more tried to live like a man, but the dysphoria I feel always comes back and is very strong.

I've gotten to a point where I feel a lot of despair when thinking about going on as a man. I really want to try to transition and maybe try hormones, but there are two obstacles in my way; my Family and my Finances.

I'm 26 and about to turn 27 in March. I've worked in the past, but I haven't worked for almost a year due to my dysphoria and I have had to move back in with my Mom and my Step Dad. I know that my Family would probably freak out, question my sanity and maybe try to have me committed if I ever admitted how I've felt all these years. Once it comes out, I know they will never look at me the same way again.

I've been looking to get a new job for the last few months now, but my dysphoria is so crippling, I feel I need to see a therapist first. I've already done some research in my area and have found a Psychologist that works with the LGBT community that I want to see. But I'm both nervous to make the first step and I'm worried my mother will find my choice of a therapist alarming, as I'm still on her insurance.

But I feel like I owe it to myself to try and attempt to maybe transition as my current situation feels insurmountable to battle through. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long post, but I've been wanting to get this off my chest for several weeks.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. My suggestion is that you be as honest with your mother as you can. Tell her one of the reasons your having difficulty is you need to see a therapist. Say you have found one that you think can help you and you will need to put it on insurance. At this point there appears be only one way out that that's forward and the sooner you start, the sooner you can move on with your life.

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[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the site  GCGirl91.  Congratulations on finally admitting to yourself that you are transgender.  I'm glad it was such a relief for you to finally admit it.  You have come to the right place and you will learn a lot here about how to go about the next steps in your journey. But for now just be happy. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are ok just the way you are.

[Jessica]

Welcome to Susan's!  I'm Jessica! Having to hide your feelings from your family and friends for your whole life can create a barrier that one can feel is insurmountable.  You know in your heart that you have to climb that wall, but are afraid of the fall if you slip.  Each time you climb a bit farther though and learn the tricks to get over.
At Susan's there are so many souls that have experienced your pain also and can offer you pathways to help you overcome so many hurdles we face.  If you seek and ask, there will be a boost up from friends that want you to be happy.

Hugs, Jessica

[Roll]

Hi GCGirl!

Regarding coming out to your family, are your fears grounded in something? In other words, have they ever expressed anti-trans sentiment even if just of the "i pity those people" variety? If not, I wouldn't assume the worst. People can and will surprise you, particularly those close to you if they genuinely care about you. I feel that if you are honest and sincere, they will see that.

[V M]

Hi GCGirl 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[GCGirl91]

Hi GCGirl!

Regarding coming out to your family, are your fears grounded in something? In other words, have they ever expressed anti-trans sentiment even if just of the "i pity those people" variety? If not, I wouldn't assume the worst. People can and will surprise you, particularly those close to you if they genuinely care about you. I feel that if you are honest and sincere, they will see that.

In regards to that, when I was 13 I used to like going to the local comic shop. One day after we left and were driving home, i noticed my Mom was really bothered by something and i asked her what was wrong. It turned out that the person who checked me out was transitioning MTF and my mom was freaked out by it. I was totally cool with it and it was my first realization that changing your gender was possible.

Last month I told my Mom I was seriously thinking about shaving my legs and that caught her by surprise. She then proceeded to tell me that "guys don't do that" and I would look weird around other people. All I could think was that it was the middle of winter so who would honestly see my bare legs?

Then last week I went out to lunch with my sister and told her I was considering changing my hair color, to which she replied that "guys don't do that" and I would look weird.

[Roll]

In regards to that, when I was 13 I used to like going to the local comic shop. One day after we left and were driving home, i noticed my Mom was really bothered by something and i asked her what was wrong. It turned out that the person who checked me out was transitioning MTF and my mom was freaked out by it. I was totally cool with it and it was my first realization that changing your gender was possible.

Last month I told my Mom I was seriously thinking about shaving my legs and that caught her by surprise. She then proceeded to tell me that "guys don't do that" and I would look weird around other people. All I could think was that it was the middle of winter so who would honestly see my bare legs?

Then last week I went out to lunch with my sister and told her I was considering changing my hair color, to which she replied that "guys don't do that" and I would look weird.

They definitely seem to be very heavily rooted in gender roles, and uncomfortable with the topic, but I would still say there is a chance their reaction would be better than you expect. Before coming out, I told my sister I shaved my arms and her response was very much the "that's weird, why would a guy do that?" type. Yet she is my biggest supporter after coming out. My father as well is very conservative for the most part, and I worried a lot. I didn't foresee a blatantly negative reaction (he's just not the "kick someone out of house" type of person), but I wasn't entirely sure of his comfort level or what his support would be. Turned out, he's the area's go to gender specialist... So that was a shock. (He's a psychiatrist.)

Of course, ultimately, only you can really judge your own family and I don't mean to give false hope if you do truly believe it is a bad situation. Just wanted to offer some context, and show that discomfort in general with a topic may not preclude future understanding. It's easier for people to dismiss something that exists in an abstract, happening to other people. When it's family, the story can change very quickly. There are a number of stories on this site about siblings prodding people over nail polish or earrings, sort of making fun of them, only to turn around and be overwhelming supportive when they find out the reason why.

I've always remembered a line from a TV show, even if I forget which show... but basically, it pointed out that Dick Cheney, one of the most conservative politicians to hold an executive office in the past 50 years has a lesbian daughter he loves and supports (to the point that he came out for marriage equality before even Obama and Clinton did, believe it or not).

[GCGirl91]

Well, I've made up my mind and I am going to try and set up a appointment with the therapist. I'm very nervous and a little scared to open up to someone face to face, but I feel I have to do this and I owe to myself to see where this path will lead me. 

[Jessica]

Well, I've made up my mind and I am going to try and set up a appointment with the therapist. I'm very nervous and a little scared to open up to someone face to face, but I feel I have to do this and I owe to myself to see where this path will lead me.

Great decision!  Face to face interactions are wonderful and can give a huge sense of relief.

[Janes Groove]

Well, I've made up my mind and I am going to try and set up a appointment with the therapist. I'm very nervous and a little scared to open up to someone face to face, but I feel I have to do this and I owe to myself to see where this path will lead me.

Wonderful idea. Good for you.  I'm sure you will feel so much better after telling someone.

[JulieAllana]

Well, I've made up my mind and I am going to try and set up a appointment with the therapist. I'm very nervous and a little scared to open up to someone face to face, but I feel I have to do this and I owe to myself to see where this path will lead me.

     I chose a therapist who specialized in gender identity issues.  As such, I considered her office a safe space.  Even knowing that this is her specialty and that I wouldn't be judged, it took me a moment to bolster my courage enough to tell her why I had come to see her. 

     Even though that is only 5 weeks ago, it is ANCIENT history.  She of course was supportive and knew all of the right questions to ask.  As I feel like I have wasted half of my life hiding in my male body I am really keen to move my transition along (only thing holding me back from hormones at this point is wanting to lose more weight first).  After only several weeks, I felt comfortable enough (4th session) to show up to an office visit presenting as a woman.  (Ok, so her office is in her home and she sees people in the evening, so I was able to get to the appointment without anyone else seeing me).  In two days I am going to present female in another safe space at a PFLAG (LBGT family support group) meeting.  And a week after that, I plan on presenting as female at a trans support group and will likely go out for coffee afterwards with some of the girls in PUBLIC (not so much of a safe space). 

     For me, once I became aware that I was trans, I opened the floodgates and I am sprinting for the finish line.  All of the scary things like telling people are still SCARY (so far have told mom, ex and 3 friends) but the affirmation I am getting from the path I am on make them easier to face because I know that regardless of what they think, I am on the right path.  I either get acceptance (which I have so far) or not, but I cannot change who I am for fear that I might not be accepted.  I am afraid I won't be, but if I am not, I am not and life will go on and I will get to be the woman that I am supposed to be. 

     For me, work is going to be the really hard one which will come when I am ready to go full time as a woman.  It is way easier to get loved ones to understand what is going on than people you don't really know that you have to work with.  While my company has non-discrimination policies and even health coverage for trans procedures, it is still scary.  And yet, I will willingly cross that bridge when I get there because it is an obstacle in my path to womanhood and at this point I am not going to let anything stand in my way.

     Regarding the memory of your dad, of course he was thrilled to have a boy.  I bet he would have also been thrilled to have a girl.  Many fathers have amazing relationships with their daughters.  If people really understand what being trans is, it is really hard for them to not be accepting, especially if they love you.

     One last thing much of the stress and anxiety that had been building up for me my entire life was released when I came out to my therapist.  The depression was GONE.  Even though I am still in a male's body and present as male most of the time, now that I have a path forward and am moving down that path, I feel so much better.  I suspect you might too.


            I feel for ya!  Love

                  -Julie

[GCGirl91]

So last week I ended up coming out to my Mother. She was definetly shocked, but she told me that she still loved me and that if I felt that I needed to explore this further with a therapist then I should. It was very hard and nerve wracking for me to do so but afterwards I felt some relief for finally telling her.

But since last Tuesday I've woken up and both my dysphoria and my feminine feelings seem to have gone away. However I don't feel masculine either and I feel very apathetic towards everything at the moment. Although I've never gotten anything sexual out of living or dressing how I've felt, I've also noticed that my sexual desire seems to have vanished as well. I've read that dsyphoria does come and go in waves, which has happend with me in the past but never for this length of time.

As bad as my dsyphoria has been, without it for the last few days I just haven't felt myself at all. I still feel I am Transgender and I know my feelings will come back as they always do, but for right now I feel like I am at a loss.

[JulieAllana]

OMG!, the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME.  The day after I told my therapist, there was this complete and utter void of any trans feelings...nada, nothing.  I was sooo confused, I was also a little disappointed because even though I wasn't fully aware of it, wanting to be a woman was part of me.  It didn't take long for the feelings to come back (about a day).  The therapist described it as basically blowing off the pressure in a pressure cooker.  With so much time with all of those feelings pent up you let all of the pressure out.  The kicker is (at least for me) the flame on the pressure cooker is still on.  If I were to just go on with life like everything was normal, the pressure would build up again.  I think what you are experiencing is kinda normal.  I definitely have days where I question what I am doing (yesterday in fact), but I just keep on doing it and it keeps feeling right.

      Hugs,
            Julie

[Allison S]

Same with me. Especially feeling apathetic about everything. I often think "what's the point" and really question if this all matters. If I matter. I know people care about me but that committment to others, especially my family, is slowly slipping.. I'm very scared. What set off this pressure cooker for me? It's so much pressure within myself.

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[Dena]

Any time you make progress in your transition, it can temporarily relieve your dysphoria. Big steps like going full time might provide longer relief but the act of coming out is sufficient to provide short term relief.