Please, Help me identify what I am?

[Rachelle]

Hi,

I am new to the forum, however I have been following it since 2014 prior to starting HRT. I am trying to figure out where on the spectrum I fall...

I am a CIS male, taking MTF HRT Estradiol & Spiro. My doctors never understood why I wasn't wearing a dress and makeup to become a woman.

I don't know what Identify as, my DL says male and I have a male name legally, but also a female name I respond to. Visually I appear as a guy. I am a woman on the inside, but am happy with myself and how I look on the outside. I am slender build and am pushing a B cup, I shave my body, have the breasts of a woman, and I wear female undergarments but with more of a normal butch guy clothing on the outside (no tight jeans or makeup, I like my wardrobe and it's comfortable)

I am married to a CIS woman with 2 biological young sons. I try to be the best father and husband I can be. I have been on HRT for several years now and have my letters for a bilateral Orchiectomy which I am saving up for this fall. I'm never going to have full srs, just the orchi.

I am somewhere in the middle and I believe I fall under non-binary, but not sure exactly where at under it. What do you call a post-op MTF that dresses in both sexes, still appears as a a guy, but is a woman both hormonal, mentally, and surgically?

- Rachelle

[Jessica]

Hi Rachelle 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
I'm glad you made it out of the reader zone, it's a fine place to start but the real help happens when you join in like you have.
You do sound non binary, and like I do can identify in both ways.
A gender therapist could help you narrow down where you are on the NB scale.  It is as individual as fingerprints and we all are unique.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Rachelle,
Your post was uncanny for me. Today I am going for my regular blood test review. As I write this I am in my nightie. I'm growing out my hair. At the Docs I will present male after more than 12 months on hormones. I have full b-cups (which I love). I'm 49years old, have 2 sons 9 & 8. My family brings much satisfaction to my life, I'm trying to be the best father I can. I present male at work but like getting into skirts and dresses when I get home. My public life is male. Life commitments make it difficult to push the female envelope. I am very thankful for my wife, my job, my family, my finances. I can't deny my feminine self though. My doc asks me if I would like to stop hormones and the answer is definately not - it would mean a return to the angst, unease, dissatisfaction, and distraction that I lived with on natural testosterone. I am considering visiting my Doc & therapist en femme just to shut them up.
Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[Rachelle]

Thank you for the info and the warm welcome Jessica. I must amit, finally talking to people on here makes me feel like I'm at least not crazy! I also posted an introduction post per your recommendation and will check out the links you set. Thanks again!

[Rachelle]

Hi Rachelle,
Your post was uncanny for me. Today I am going for my regular blood test review. As I write this I am in my nightie. I'm growing out my hair. At the Docs I will present male after more than 12 months on hormones. I have full b-cups (which I love). I'm 49years old, have 2 sons 9 & 8. My family brings much satisfaction to my life, I'm trying to be the best father I can. I present male at work but like getting into skirts and dresses when I get home. My public life is male. Life commitments make it difficult to push the female envelope. I am very thankful for my wife, my job, my family, my finances. I can't deny my feminine self though. My doc asks me if I would like to stop hormones and the answer is definately not - it would mean a return to the angst, unease, dissatisfaction, and distraction that I lived with on natural testosterone. I am considering visiting my Doc & therapist en femme just to shut them up.
Kind regards, Kirsten.

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Kirsten, I'm so glad you responded!! This is spot on, my sons are 7 & 3. I am also faced with those same commitments and a successful career which is all something that is weighed in as my children and family mean more to me than anything else. I can't tell you how many times I have been to the doctor and they keep expecting me to have long hair and wear dresses! Not saying that I would mind that, but I am who I am and I have accepted myself for being somewhere in the middle. They always try to see everything white and black, but there is a big grey area out there. Glad you posted to hear somebody out there shares that same awkwardness picking up female hormones as a male, and having amazing boobs as a guy

[Kirsteneklund7]

I just wish they would all understand it works for us.

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[Rachelle]

I just wish they would all understand it works for us.

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I know right, they always ask me too if I want to keep doing it. Onetime, my doctor accused me of selling my hormones! I guess he forgot he has upped my dosage, but not upped my prescription since I still had 2 months worth left. This was within my first year on HRT

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. While it sounds like your non binary, I am not really sure where you are on the scale or even if your at a known point on the scale. Some people are clearly non binary but there isn't a name to describe how they feel. One place you can start is our WIKI where you might find something or at least something close to what you feel. Unfortunately the non binary isn't well understood in the medical community so there is only a limited amount of information about it.

[Rachelle]

Thanks for the reply Dena, as I continue my research, it is starting to appear that I fall more under the lined of intergender... I feel like this definition sounded appropriate:

Intergender is a gender identity under the nonbinary and transgender umbrella terms. Intergender people have a gender identity that is in the middle between the binary genders of female and male, and may be a mix of both.

[JB_Girl]

Very few people are truly binary.  There are some, but most of us slosh around a bit - at least for a time.  Gender identification is bimodal (think a double humped camel) I'm on the female side and live my life in the guise of a woman.  That is the sweet spot of authenticity for me.   My body morphed, and after seven years or so of HRT is pretty typical for woman of my age.  I just got off the phone though with a lovely friend in Australia.  She is a bit further down the slope towards androgyny from me and is as often confused for FTM as MTF.  The truth is she is neither and both.

Rachelle, you sound as though this might resonate with you and if so that is pretty cool.  Run with it until it doesn't work any more.  If that time comes then do something else.  The point is to follow your bliss.  To live authentically and honestly.  The function follows form here.  I think that you will find yourselves in the passage and in the journey.

Kirsten,
Their understanding is not required.  Your acceptance and enjoyment of yourself as you truly are is what matters in the end.

I wish you well and I wish you peace,

Julie

[Virginia]

It's nice to meet you, Rachelle. I too am a cisgender guy, been on a full transition level HRT regimen since 2010.  I developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) to cope with the trauma of childhood sexual and psychological abuse. Neither me nor any of my other 5 alters are transsexual. I share the body with my female alter 2 days a week. I'm tall and skinny with shoulder length hair. I usually wear a Van Dyke, but neither of us has any problems with people seeing me as a guy and her as a girl. You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804

[Kirsteneklund7]

Very few people are truly binary.  There are some, but most of us slosh around a bit - at least for a time.  Gender identification is bimodal (think a double humped camel) I'm on the female side and live my life in the guise of a woman.  That is the sweet spot of authenticity for me.   My body morphed, and after seven years or so of HRT is pretty typical for woman of my age.  I just got off the phone though with a lovely friend in Australia.  She is a bit further down the slope towards androgyny from me and is as often confused for FTM as MTF.  The truth is she is neither and both.

Rachelle, you sound as though this might resonate with you and if so that is pretty cool.  Run with it until it doesn't work any more.  If that time comes then do something else.  The point is to follow your bliss.  To live authentically and honestly.  The function follows form here.  I think that you will find yourselves in the passage and in the journey.

Kirsten,
Their understanding is not required.  Your acceptance and enjoyment of yourself as you truly are is what matters in the end.

I wish you well and I wish you peace,

Julie

Thank you for your input JB_Girl.
I feel like I've given it my best shot at being a man in this life and now it's time to let the woman free.
I don't think I'm non-binary. Just trying to keep things together for now. The doctors have been helpful even though not fully understanding.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[SallyChoasAura]

Hello friend. Welcome to the party!
I having problems trying to figure out who I am too. I think I might be FTM or genderfuild. It can take a while to find out who we really are, so don't overthink it. We'll all figure out who we are sooner or later!☺