Confidence eroding, has this happened to anyone else?

[FinallyMichelle]

I had finally gotten to the point where I was mostly confident in passing. More than that though, I had started to build up my confidence all around while out and about around people, being comfortable in my own skin. The attention from men was mostly endurable and it didn't make me feel like I wasn't passing or self conscious.

Lately though I have been getting stared at a lot. No that is an understatement, more like turn their head to get a good look. Not all men either, yesterday these three young girls stared at me as I sat down and the one that had her back to me even turned around. Now I will admit that wasn't like men, it wasn't a constant looking at me for the next 40 minutes, they treated me like any other girl after that. They were very pretty and all under 25, so not attraction or envy. I was dressed in jeans and shoulderless long sleeve top, not inappropriate or standing out in any way. I am a little taller(the 3 girls were nearly my height) and a little more broad, breasts may look big, they are not, but they certainly don't look huge or anything, average looking all around and the wrong side of middle age. No reason to stand out the way that I apparently do. During that time 3 small groups of men had at least one member of the group either straight up staring or constantly looking up at me. WHY?!? There were three beautiful young women right there! Why bother with me at all? Then as I am leaving two eh, mid 50s to mid 60s, Asian men watched me the whole way, the one even looked completely around so he watched me coming and going. I get tired of looking up to men leering at me, not smiling but that look that goes beyond into the realm of, 'You and I both know that you deserve to be slapped for whatever you are thinking.' That is not everything, no accounting for taste, it's more like people are aware of me. Why? I know being invisible and ignored, I was starting to get used to it, now this.

There is nothing special about me, I cannot find anything that would account for this. Today I was around a lot of people almost the whole day, and I would say that it ate at my self confidence but that wouldn't even come close. When I was finally on my way home I cried the whole way. I thought that I was done being on display, done with being the circus freak, and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I pull in on myself more and more until like the end of the day today, I just want to scream. It probably just makes it worse but I don't know how to stop that spiraling either once it starts. I don't want to stand out, and I don't even understand why I am standing out. I don't even know what I am looking for here.

I guess that I want to know if it has happened or is happening to anyone else. If so what do you think causes it? What do you do about it? I have fought feeling less than everyone else my whole life and I was getting better, finally. Now that is gone and I feel exposed and small again. I am tired of it and am not sure how to go forward from here.

[Northern Star Girl]

I read your heartfelt posting and can empathise with what you are feeling.  The ebbs and flows of the transgender journey... in fact, the ebbs and flows of most people, transgender or not.
Just curious, how long have you been full-time?  How long on HRT?
I take it that in the past that you have not had difficulty passing.  Self-confidence is such an important factor in passing as you are quite aware.  Perhaps you had an off-night... or you even possibly misread the entire event.   The young 20 something girls appeared to not have an issue with you.  Did you discuss with them regarding the staring and actions of the men?
Hang in there girl.  You look great in your profile picture by the way.

[kitchentablepotpourri]

Self acceptance is the key to happiness; once you have that you become unshakable in your self confidence, and you emit an aura that says yes I am me, and loving it; people respect that.  Also, it is very rude for people to stare; they must have been raised by wolves 😀

[Dena]

You might not have been read. Girls around their teen years are very body aware and often study other women in order to define femininity. Sometimes when they do it, they aren't very couth about the process. They don't play favors and might do this to CIS women if they detect something that doesn't match their current definition of femininity. The best thing to do is go on with your life. Just remember that you are far more mature and knowledgable about life than they are and hopefully one day they will learn how to be polite to others.

[Northern Star Girl]

snipped: 

Self acceptance is the key to happiness; once you have that you become unshakable in your self confidence, and you emit an aura that says yes I am me, and loving it; people respect that. 

Absolutely the truth, kitchentablepotpourri, self-acceptance and self-confidence are keys to transitioning and to passing.... also self-acceptance and self-confidence are essential traits in a successful person, man or woman.  Most top business people and or sales people exude both of those qualities.

[Northern Star Girl]

You might not have been read. Girls around their teen years are very body aware and often study other women in order to define femininity. Sometimes when they do it, they aren't very couth about the process. They don't play favors and might do this to CIS women if they detect something that doesn't match their current definition of femininity. The best thing to do is go on with your life. Just remember that you are far more mature and knowledgable about life than they are and hopefully one day they will learn how to be polite to others.

@ Dena:  That is exactly what I was thinking also, maybe they were not misreading at all, maybe they were just being rude.  Disregard the staring men, they tend to do it to beautiful women, short women, tall women, skinny women, curvy women, etc... many men these days don't seem to have any manners... and some women too. 
I agree with you about the young women, they are just more curious about how women look and act.

[Allison S]

I know what that's like. Noticing people staring is uncomfortable, I always look away. Sometimes I laugh even (with women, not sure why) when I look away and I feel embarrassed. I know I shouldn't! This is all still very early on hrt, somewhat appearing feminine but not quite.

When I've gone out presenting female I had a drunk guy point and laugh at me with his friend. Then another time I had a drunk (again) girl stare me down and say something to her boyfriend so they were both staring at me. The couple were indian so maybe it had something to do with their culture, I don't know.

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[Vinya]

That last section really resonated with me. I have just as you battled my whole life with low selfasteam that was only defined by what I could provide for others. Only recreantly after depression/anxiety therapy have I begun to realise that I am worth something in of my self. And you are too and you are special in your way. Just look at your beautiful curly hair <3

I use to feel exactly as you do that there stairs was and indication that the knew some how my medical history. That's the thing though feelings and rational thought are not related at all, at least not for me. Rationally just looking at your avatar pic coupled with the outfit you described there would be no reason for them to look at you because they known something. More likely would be that they like me admire your curls.

I also know how compliments and words of encouragement  work when you have low self a steam it is like you are made of Teflon ad it just wash right of you. That's why you need to work on that to try increase your self a steam. That is at least what have helped me to some what get in control of my feelings.

Stay strong <3

[SonadoraXVX]

One thing that I have noticed a lot/seems like the majority of nonhispanic tgs' do, is not have a real life paling around shopping/battle buddy/s/o support system. In L.A., I have seen the vast majority of Hispanic tg's(.i.e. especially the working girl types, yea I know the risks they face, but the point is, some use strength in numbers for security), most have a friend in tow/s/o/battle buddy of life), for those moments where you feel vulnerable/uncomfortable and you can ask your buddy, if something is out of place with you, she/he'll tell you. Moments where you feel vulnerable, you need another human to bring you up, we are social creatures, and need others for our survival. Not saying all the time have another person in tow.

Self-reliance is good, but Strength is in numbers. We all need other real time/real life human being interactions to survive. My girlfriend and I, watch each other's backs/6, all the time.  My girlfriend can't change a tire/build a concrete wall/pull a car drivetrain(ie. or even mow the grass/girly girl type), but can always offer me a sandwich/glass of water/tender words of encouragement and watch over me. NO, I'm not a brute strength person, just technically minded tg, using leverage/appropriate tools and appropriate skill sets. Not saying always have somebody in tow, but at times, where you can coordinate your forays for a RLE(Real-Life Assessment), by a caring S/O/friend.

I'm reminded that the American culture is based on Self-Reliance and the Latin American is more socially cohesive, I read that somewhere in some U.S. Army FM(Field Manual), somewhere, and/or maybe my sociology background(i.e. undergrad degree in sociology/grad degree in psychology). Its called collectivist vs. individualist cultures and comes under the topic of cross cultural behavior.

My 2 cents/Just sayin

[FinallyMichelle]

Thanks for all of your wonderful replies. 😊 I was exhausted and went to bed early, then woke up early, to read some really good responses. I feel 100% better, thank you.

I read your heartfelt posting and can empathise with what you are feeling.  The ebbs and flows of the transgender journey... in fact, the ebbs and flows of most people, transgender or not.
Just curious, how long have you been full-time?  How long on HRT?
I take it that in the past that you have not had difficulty passing.  Self-confidence is such an important factor in passing as you are quite aware.  Perhaps you had an off-night... or you even possibly misread the entire event.   The young 20 something girls appeared to not have an issue with you.  Did you discuss with them regarding the staring and actions of the men?
Hang in there girl.  You look great in your profile picture by the way.

Over 2 1/2 years full time, not all of it passing, and more than 3 years on hrt. I had thought that I passed, more or less, for a long time now. Yeah, that was a bad day, the stares get to me so much and a lot of people were staring that day. 😀 I don't know if I will ever wear that top again. I have even started to wear bras all the time now too, anything to keep people from looking. The stares crush me but constantly being under observation slowly wears me down to where I don't want to go out at all. Go to get coffee and the girl getting cash out at the machine beside me looks up and smiles, smile back it's what we do. She was interesting, early to mid 30s, maybe only an inch or two shorter than me, lots of bracelets like me, thin unlike me, but dreadlocks made her unique. Pretty but tough was my assessment. I finish my coffee and go to pay for it, when I look up she was waiting at the register for something starting right at me. She immediately looked strait at... wait for it... the ceiling! It was hilarious her intently looking straight up. 😆 The cashier got her attention and she turned around to finish checking out. Then she was waiting for me outside and nervously asked me out, it was adorable, just like a guy would be. See, as much as I complain about them, most guys are more afraid of you than you are of them. Anyway, I said thank you for the compliment but I have a boyfriend. Now I know that most people looking are not interested in me, but all of it together becomes more than a little disconcerting. Most of the time that women stare it is not so bothersome, no matter how uncomplimentary I might imagine their thoughts of me are, it seems so ordinary like she might do this to anyone. The girls going out of their way to look bothered me much more. Stares period are always worse. It bothers me the glancing, glancing, glancing but not near as much as blatant hard stares. I don't get any of it though, why? What am I doing wrong? People in general don't pay close attention to other people, so what is wrong with me that they are looking. My shoulders start to slump, my stomach turns into a churning knot and I start to think about getting home. A day like I had the day before yesterday seriously puts my self confidence into backpedal mode, then yesterday I couldn't handle it at all. I just wanted to scream, '50 cents damn you! I may be a freak but you gotta pay if you want to look at me that much!' I ached all day and just wanted to be home.

Thank you. 😊 I was being unusually happy those two day when I took that picture. I mean, I am mostly happy but I was more so then.

Self acceptance is the key to happiness; once you have that you become unshakable in your self confidence, and you emit an aura that says yes I am me, and loving it; people respect that.  Also, it is very rude for people to stare; they must have been raised by wolves 😀

I wish that I had some of that. 😊 I don't know, I never have. I never seemed to be enough. My brothers and sister are so good looking, younger brother and sister were models, older brother is a ridiculously attractive 50 year old hillbilly that still has 18 inch arms and a six pack. They always went out with the best looking people and then me who had given up on dating completely by the age of 18. My older brother was a criminal by age 7, please don't read too much into that we had been through a lot, but everyone was always worried about me and whatever was wrong with me. Why, I was never in trouble that he didn't get me into, good grades, but I had them all concerned. I talked too much, needed physical contact too much, smiled too much. I don't know, I would love to have confidence but... actually I guess that I am getting there a little.

You might not have been read. Girls around their teen years are very body aware and often study other women in order to define femininity. Sometimes when they do it, they aren't very couth about the process. They don't play favors and might do this to CIS women if they detect something that doesn't match their current definition of femininity. The best thing to do is go on with your life. Just remember that you are far more mature and knowledgable about life than they are and hopefully one day they will learn how to be polite to others.

You girls have me convinced that I took that all wrong. 😊 Thanks. I think that it was more because of all the rest that day that it got to me the way it did.

I know what that's like. Noticing people staring is uncomfortable, I always look away. Sometimes I laugh even (with women, not sure why) when I look away and I feel embarrassed. I know I shouldn't! This is all still very early on hrt, somewhat appearing feminine but not quite.

When I've gone out presenting female I had a drunk guy point and laugh at me with his friend. Then another time I had a drunk (again) girl stare me down and say something to her boyfriend so they were both staring at me. The couple were indian so maybe it had something to do with their culture, I don't know.

The laughing an harassment are the worst. I would go through it again and again to get to where I am now but it was truly a miserable experience. There was a period right after going full time that I almost felt subhuman it was that bad.

That last section really resonated with me. I have just as you battled my whole life with low selfasteam that was only defined by what I could provide for others. Only recreantly after depression/anxiety therapy have I begun to realise that I am worth something in of my self. And you are too and you are special in your way. Just look at your beautiful curly hair <3

I use to feel exactly as you do that there stairs was and indication that the knew some how my medical history. That's the thing though feelings and rational thought are not related at all, at least not for me. Rationally just looking at your avatar pic coupled with the outfit you described there would be no reason for them to look at you because they known something. More likely would be that they like me admire your curls.

I also know how compliments and words of encouragement  work when you have low self a steam it is like you are made of Teflon ad it just wash right of you. That's why you need to work on that to try increase your self a steam. That is at least what have helped me to some what get in control of my feelings.

Stay strong <3

Thank you! I know, I love my hair. 😊 That might sound awful of me but it is the only thing that I like about myself. The day before that picture was taken I had my hair done and she had straightened it, totally gorgeous. It felt weird without my curls though and I was so happy that it went back to normal.

Wow, someone who understands how compliments make me feel. My friends and boyfriend don't even bother anymore and that is a good thing. When they do blurt something out now I know that it is heartfelt and genuine even if I can't see it.

I don't think that I even realized that I had such a low self value until the last 5 years. Just life, I thought, nothing to do about it. People say that I say that I am sorry more than anyone they have ever met, my boyfriend said that it made him want to cry when he finally understood that I really meant it every time. I don't know for sure what he was trying to say, but he told me it had to do with how I always feel less than everyone else.

I know that I have issues and I go to therapy but I think that I am wasting my time and they know it as well as I do. I don't trust them not even a little. You are safe here, I won't judge you and what you say is just between us. Lies. This is where he touched you? Does it bother you when I touch you there? You don't have to feel that way, you are safe here. Eww! You creep! It's been months here with us won't you talk to us? We can't help you if you don't talk to us. You have to know by now you are not a girl, let us in. Let us help you. I didn't have much of a life but you took even that away when you told my grandma how sick I am for wanting to be a girl and got me put in here, you jack ass! Different time and place but I can't get rid of it. I used to go to a few groups that helped a lot but they don't even have those groups anymore.

Thank you for understanding. 😊 Believe it or not, it helps.

One thing that I have noticed a lot/seems like the majority of nonhispanic tgs' do, is not have a real life paling around shopping/battle buddy/s/o support system. In L.A., I have seen the vast majority of Hispanic tg's(.i.e. especially the working girl types, yea I know the risks they face, but the point is, some use strength in numbers for security), most have a friend in tow/s/o/battle buddy of life), for those moments where you feel vulnerable/uncomfortable and you can ask your buddy, if something is out of place with you, she/he'll tell you. Moments where you feel vulnerable, you need another human to bring you up, we are social creatures, and need others for our survival. Not saying all the time have another person in tow.

Self-reliance is good, but Strength is in numbers. We all need other real time/real life human being interactions to survive. My girlfriend and I, watch each other's backs/6, all the time.  My girlfriend can't change a tire/build a concrete wall/pull a car drivetrain(ie. or even mow the grass/girly girl type), but can always offer me a sandwich/glass of water/tender words of encouragement and watch over me. NO, I'm not a brute strength person, just technically minded tg, using leverage/appropriate tools and appropriate skill sets. Not saying always have somebody in tow, but at times, where you can coordinate your forays for a RLE(Real-Life Assessment), by a caring S/O/friend.

I'm reminded that the American culture is based on Self-Reliance and the Latin American is more socially cohesive, I read that somewhere in some U.S. Army FM(Field Manual), somewhere, and/or maybe my sociology background(i.e. undergrad degree in sociology/grad degree in psychology). Its called collectivist vs. individualist cultures and comes under the topic of cross cultural behavior.

My 2 cents/Just sayin

Makes sense. Truthfully I don't do anything alone not anymore, I am too afraid. That day my boyfriend was with me, it drives him nuts. Actually it has gotten so bad that half the time he says, why don't you wait in the car? I'll be right back. I don't know if he is being chivalrous or what. He has complained before that I should wear less "sexy" stuff. Like what, a frock? I wear baggy stuff mostly now.

I definitely agree with you, safety in numbers.

I am sooooo much better today, of course I don't have to go anywhere today. 😊

Ugh! My boyfriend just walked out the door to go to the drugstore. Want me to go along? No that's okay. It's rainy out, you know what that does to your hair. Is he being nice? Is he jealous? Is he embarrassed to be with me? Meh, I don't know and don't care today.

Thank you for listening and helping me through. 😊

Hugs 

[Vinya]

I know that I have issues and I go to therapy but I think that I am wasting my time and they know it as well as I do. I don't trust them not even a little. You are safe here, I won't judge you and what you say is just between us. Lies. This is where he touched you? Does it bother you when I touch you there? You don't have to feel that way, you are safe here. Eww! You creep! It's been months here with us won't you talk to us? We can't help you if you don't talk to us. You have to know by now you are not a girl, let us in. Let us help you. I didn't have much of a life but you took even that away when you told my grandma how sick I am for wanting to be a girl and got me put in here, you jack ass! Different time and place but I can't get rid of it. I used to go to a few groups that helped a lot but they don't even have those groups anymore.

Don't be fooled, just by that short statement I know what you went to was not therapy. That must have been something completely different and horrible. And I would not blame you for distrusting therapists, but try give it another shoot with another clinic and other real therapists.

Hugs

[Maria77]

Michelle-I think you are very pretty.   So people tend to look more at attractive people in general.  Tight clothes also tend to increase the looking that people do: especially other women (cattyness!)  You may want to tone it down a bit or experiment with your look. 

Besides that, people just tend to look for all sorts of reasons.   I am mixed race and people were always staring at me before transition and still ask me after transition if I'm Native American, Greek, Hispanic, etc.   My mom and sisters get the same thing.  Other people I believe, have gaydar which is some psychic energy that lgbt people tend to have and give off.  I think some str8 people have this ability, but don't understand what it is, and perhaps are in some form of personal denial themselves. 

[TheDarkQueenEmily]

Greetings, Michelle.

I certainly know how you feel as I am also quite conscious of my outward appearance and often times, I find myself shedding tears over my "predicament." As a person who has undergone a lot of emotional pain and toil, I have my fair share of self esteem issues and emotional instability, but I have made a lot of progress in this regard.

It has taken me a very long time to retain any hint of ego or self pride. I guess shutting out and ignoring those who are or appear to be passing judgement upon me has done some good because I don't really suffer as badly from low self esteem as I used to.

The only advice that I can give you is what my best friend once told me:

"The only opinion you need to be concerned with is your own because you have to love with yourself for the rest of your life whether you like it or not; everyone else will come and go."

Try to focus all your energy on being as feminine and convincing as you possibly can. If you would like, I can provide you with my personal Email if you ever need beauty tips, techniques on "passing" or just need an ear to listen.

Du er ikke alene. You are not alone.



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[FinallyMichelle]

Don't be fooled, just by that short statement I know what you went to was not therapy. That must have been something completely different and horrible. And I would not blame you for distrusting therapists, but try give it another shoot with another clinic and other real therapists.

Hugs

No, definitely not therapy. It might seem odd but the only psychiatrists or psychologists that I saw when I was young, that in any way wanted to help me, were the ones the two times the state stepped in to remove me from a bad living situation. If only they cared so much who fosters children but it is not a perfect system.
I go to therapy sometimes, usually through the VA. The one I have now I really like but she is so busy, so she doesn't see me very much. The one I had before spent 2 minutes or more talking to my boobs the last time I saw her, was only for 5 minutes. She has since left the VA. All of them but the current one spends more than half the sessions asking canned questions that they repeat every time. I will never go to a male therapist again so that limits me a bit.

Michelle-I think you are very pretty.   So people tend to look more at attractive people in general.  Tight clothes also tend to increase the looking that people do: especially other women (cattyness!)  You may want to tone it down a bit or experiment with your look. 

Besides that, people just tend to look for all sorts of reasons.   I am mixed race and people were always staring at me before transition and still ask me after transition if I'm Native American, Greek, Hispanic, etc.   My mom and sisters get the same thing.  Other people I believe, have gaydar which is some psychic energy that lgbt people tend to have and give off.  I think some str8 people have this ability, but don't understand what it is, and perhaps are in some form of personal denial themselves. 

Thank you. 😊 I wish that I could see it.

You are right, people tend to look at anyone different. I do wear mostly baggy clothes, at the same time I have no desire to dress like a puritan or pilgrim. I try to dress to look nice, not floozy but nice in an effort to boost my self confidence. Maybe there is a line there between feeling pretty and feeling confident, and being stared at for whatever they stare for, but I don't know what it is.

Lol, maybe it is gaydar. 😆 Probably not though, I am not very. Also I am not sure men would go out of their way to help me if they saw a gay man, lol maybe though. Denial can be insidious. 😜

Greetings, Michelle.

I certainly know how you feel as I am also quite conscious of my outward appearance and often times, I find myself shedding tears over my "predicament." As a person who has undergone a lot of emotional pain and toil, I have my fair share of self esteem issues and emotional instability, but I have made a lot of progress in this regard.

It has taken me a very long time to retain any hint of ego or self pride. I guess shutting out and ignoring those who are or appear to be passing judgement upon me has done some good because I don't really suffer as badly from low self esteem as I used to.

The only advice that I can give you is what my best friend once told me:

"The only opinion you need to be concerned with is your own because you have to love with yourself for the rest of your life whether you like it or not; everyone else will come and go."

Try to focus all your energy on being as feminine and convincing as you possibly can. If you would like, I can provide you with my personal Email if you ever need beauty tips, techniques on "passing" or just need an ear to listen.

Du er ikke alene. You are not alone.

There is the thing isn't it? Loving yourself. Whitney Houston definitely got that right. I think that I have gone beyond mere tolerance to actually liking myself. I'm kinda proud of that accomplishment. Still working on love but I will get there!

I don't know what I could do to be more feminine to be honest. Other than my bottom surgery I am done. I would like to fix my nose and maybe some other ffs but... well, I would like a million dollars too and maybe a date with Enrique Iglesias or Josh Duhamel, but... yeah, not gonna happen. This is it. I feel lucky in my transition but whatever I have now is what I am stuck with. I would fix any behavior issues but I would need to know what they are first because I don't know what I could improve.

I still want to see that movie! I don't think that it is widely accepted here in the US though.

Thanks everyone.
Hugs

[Jennifer.Diamonds]

   This actually just started happening to me in the last few weeks. I don't know why.

When I first went full time 1/1/2017, I had trouble passing. Cashiers would call me "sir" all the time. When I started hearing "Ma'am" more often I was usually given a certain smile that seemed to say "I know you're trying, so I'll play along." And the men would stare, sometimes roll their eyes and say nasty things in other languages to their wives, thinking I didn't understand. It was hard.
   At some point in the spring, I grew confidence in my clothing choices and makeup. I went out to a few saloons and got hit on. Started getting noticed wherever I went. Guys were asking for naughty favors, women were trying to keep their husbands away from me and my wife would say she needed a leash for me because I received compliments wherever we went.
   Now, the compliments and gestures have been replaced with very awkward stares. I think maybe "I know you're trying, so I'll play along" has turned into "That's a guy in a dress, walking into the women's restroom... this isn't cute anymore"
   I totally understand the drive home afterwards.. it's devastating to wonder what they were all thinking when they eye you up and down without so much as a smile when you catch them.

[FinallyMichelle]

😆 How can anyone look at you and see a guy in a dress? Girl yes, guy? I don't see it.

I don't have problems with bathrooms really. Actually since I started to use the women's restroom 2 1/2 years ago I have only had one incident and that was more than a year ago. A 20 something girl comes into the bathroom while I am washing my hands, she had been busing our table. She looked me up and down, thoroughly, looked me in the eye and almost sneered, then into the stall to pee. It was bizarre and I never figured out what that was all about. I guess she clocked me but I didn't get that feeling at all.

It is devastating not knowing, it undermines everything shaking my confidence and making me afraid. I had thought that I was past all of that.

Life appears so easy on paper! 😊

[Jennifer.Diamonds]

😆 How can anyone look at you and see a guy in a dress? Girl yes, guy? I don't see it.

I don't have problems with bathrooms really. Actually since I started to use the women's restroom 2 1/2 years ago I have only had one incident and that was more than a year ago. A 20 something girl comes into the bathroom while I am washing my hands, she had been busing our table. She looked me up and down, thoroughly, looked me in the eye and almost sneered, then into the stall to pee. It was bizarre and I never figured out what that was all about. I guess she clocked me but I didn't get that feeling at all.

It is devastating not knowing, it undermines everything shaking my confidence and making me afraid. I had thought that I was past all of that.

Life appears so easy on paper! 😊

   Omg if half of the plans I wrote down for my life actually took shape.. I would be some form of plastic barbie doll infused with adamantium by now LOL
   I haven't actually had much issue in the restrooms except for where I was working when I went full time. My wife and I worked together at the time in a call center. I went through HR and made arrangements. Had my company ID updated and all that.. The next day, I came in and started using the restroom of my choice. It was awkward for some people, but not nearly as awkward as wearing a dress in the men's room.
   My biggest fear is a conversation. Not for my voice, but for the topic. I don't shun my prior self. So I can go from talking about my favorite Kat Von D lip colors to how to get the most out of your assault rifle collection pretty quick lol

Personally.. I think we both are overthinking it all. There are many types and shapes and sizes of women in the world and we likely fit right in. But, we're unsure of the new territory and are questioning everything we see. Someday, we won't worry about it.

[esphoria]

I think we've all been there Michelle, and for the record you are absolutely adorable in your avi pic 

The thing is, that have had so many obstacles in our way in becoming someone we are comfortable with being. The adversity in coming out to family and friends, in the workplace and sometimes our safety. We have to relearn so much and train behave in different ways that we were brought up. Oh and the process for getting everything situated is no picnic for most of us either let alone how 'fun' the process are to have done. We fight for every inch we have, something people that aren't trans can't understand and in the end are all the sacrifices, pain and tears worth it? absoul-freaking-lutly.

What I've adapted, and thats helped me more than you can know is when I'm feeling down about myself is that I've went through hell and back to get what I have... and I have more to go but you know what I've earned every inch.  Was I born into the correct body? nope Does that make me any less of a women because of it? Hell no and If someone is going to show you the same respect as any other women then that's their loss.

When I take this attitude ,especially on my off days, it did help me pass better because my person confidence of who I am became stronger, but who and how I saw myself changed. Transition was some terrible secret, but just something I am going through to become who I am.

I guess the root of what I'm trying to say is that you are worth more than a nasty glance from a group of catty girls that couldn't possible grasp the depths of who you are. While we all want to fit in perfectly all the time there is nothing wrong with standing out every now and again.

<3 Jessica

[FinallyMichelle]

   Omg if half of the plans I wrote down for my life actually took shape.. I would be some form of plastic barbie doll infused with adamantium by now LOL
   I haven't actually had much issue in the restrooms except for where I was working when I went full time. My wife and I worked together at the time in a call center. I went through HR and made arrangements. Had my company ID updated and all that.. The next day, I came in and started using the restroom of my choice. It was awkward for some people, but not nearly as awkward as wearing a dress in the men's room.
   My biggest fear is a conversation. Not for my voice, but for the topic. I don't shun my prior self. So I can go from talking about my favorite Kat Von D lip colors to how to get the most out of your assault rifle collection pretty quick lol

Personally.. I think we both are overthinking it all. There are many types and shapes and sizes of women in the world and we likely fit right in. But, we're unsure of the new territory and are questioning everything we see. Someday, we won't worry about it.

Adamantium is real? I wonder how much it costs, bet it is expensive. 😉 Would be great to have adamantium nails though. 😊

You are so very right, we should just relax and enjoy the ride. 😊

I think we've all been there Michelle, and for the record you are absolutely adorable in your avi pic 

The thing is, that have had so many obstacles in our way in becoming someone we are comfortable with being. The adversity in coming out to family and friends, in the workplace and sometimes our safety. We have to relearn so much and train behave in different ways that we were brought up. Oh and the process for getting everything situated is no picnic for most of us either let alone how 'fun' the process are to have done. We fight for every inch we have, something people that aren't trans can't understand and in the end are all the sacrifices, pain and tears worth it? absoul-freaking-lutly.

What I've adapted, and thats helped me more than you can know is when I'm feeling down about myself is that I've went through hell and back to get what I have... and I have more to go but you know what I've earned every inch.  Was I born into the correct body? nope Does that make me any less of a women because of it? Hell no and If someone is going to show you the same respect as any other women then that's their loss.

When I take this attitude ,especially on my off days, it did help me pass better because my person confidence of who I am became stronger, but who and how I saw myself changed. Transition was some terrible secret, but just something I am going through to become who I am.

I guess the root of what I'm trying to say is that you are worth more than a nasty glance from a group of catty girls that couldn't possible grasp the depths of who you are. While we all want to fit in perfectly all the time there is nothing wrong with standing out every now and again.

<3 Jessica

Thank you. 😊

What you say makes so much sense, I just have to remember that when I find myself getting down again.

I have to get better at receiving compliments. I end up fighting them all, sometime they can be just the tiniest bit therapeutic though. It's weird, to me it's like I am being attacked every time. I don't understand it. I work hard to not get defensive or put my guard up when someone says something nice about me. *Just say thank you Michelle!* 'Thank you. I thought this looked horrible on me.' *No you idiot! Just thank you.* 'Thank you, I would have liked to...' *JUST THANK YOU, SILLY WENCH,* Grit my teeth and smile, 'Thank you.'😁 *There, was that so hard?* *Shut up and get out of my brain you vile little bitch!*
That's my brain on a compliment. 🤪 Messy huh?

I am not good at asking for help either. I am very glad that I did this time, you girls pulled me through.

Thank you. 😁