Having a penis is making me wanna give up on life

[Dany]

Hi!

I'm a 1 year and 5 months into my transition. So far, my sexuality remains exactly what it was before it even started: ridiculous. That's what my sex life always was for me, just plain ridiculous, pathetic, unsatisfied and unhappy. That got so much worse after I started my transition, as amazing as it is with absolutely everything else in my life, sex hasn't gotten better at all.

I'm what I think as an undesirable woman - not a transgender person some men would wanna be with as a fetish or whatever and also not a woman because of my damn, stupid, evil, useless and hateful piece of >-bleeped-< that grew in my crotch. Between being with me and being with a cis woman, it's obvious that I'm not gonna be the choice because no man would want that. Who wants to be with a woman without a vagina? Nobody. That how I feel. Never mind the person that I am, this little fact makes me an unlovable girl.

The problem is that as a woman I'm really craving having a guy with me, somebody to tell me how beautiful I am and how much I'm wonderful and to kiss me all over. Us girls crave that. Now how about you have that desire but it just can't be fulfilled because you were born with a %$#!#%#!%$? Sure, I could find a guy who wants to go out but well..I'd be treated not as a woman but as a transgender. This comes from a person who lives in the worse possible place in this messed up little planet to be in this situation: Brazil. The leader in hate crimes, racism and extreme religion. Sixty per cent of all hate homicides in the world happen here. The picture down here just isn't good.

Then, you know what happened the other day? I failed so much as I woman in bed with the pos of a person saying "you have a dick", that after I left there I wanted to die. It's too difficult to keep trying to push this damn thing up while you have these genitals as a woman. One of the hardest things in this world is to be a normal woman who had the misfortune to be born with this handicap. My luck is that I was with my best friend who took me to her crib to spend the night, because had I been alone that night, I'm certain I'd be dead now.

I can save the money and go to Thailand to do the surgery. I don't care how much I'm gonna struggle physically, I know it's a long and complicated process that can take several months. I sometimes don't think I have it to continue living dealing with this problem. I'm so tired of all of this. People start hating you the moment they know about it, for no absolute reason even though you're the same person. I rather have an ugly vagina then to have to go through this.

Yeah, the world that we're living in is an ugly thing. If there's a god up there, what must he think of what we done? Mankind has become pathetic, hating someone because of what that person is is something honorable. Humans are the most ridiculous race that ever existed in this planet.

[Kendra]

Hello Jessica,

Many thoughts here - but mainly I want you to know there are people who truly care and love you for the person you are.  I care, and I wish Brazil was a bit closer to Seattle - I want to walk over and give you a hug right now. 

I know you hate one particular detail of your body and some jerks can be very cruel with how they react.  But there are also good and great people who can look beyond that, or understand this as something temporary that can be changed. 

There are truly great people out there who can love you for who you are - your mind, your experience, your desires and goals.  Genitals are obviously important for sexual function but some people see us as an entire person, much more than a collection of details.  I know this from personal experience.  I have been dating a wonderful married couple (we are a threesome) and - on one of our first dates two years ago I told them I might get gender surgery in the future.  I was surprised when they both immediately confirmed they like me either way.  Since that time we have become much closer and they have truly supported every part of my transition.  What I am saying is: never say never -  the right person(s) for you is out there to discover.

Please do not let despair overwhelm you.  You have already accomplished so much, and I can see where you have goals in mind and are getting closer to accomplishing your dream of having your body truly match your mind.  This is very difficult but if you can stay focused on your goals I believe you will experience an incredible future.

I had to make a few edits to your post for language/profanity - Terms of Service requirements for all posts made to this site. 

Jessica I want you to experience the best possible life.  I know you can.  I am confident in you.  Please feel free to contact me directly any time I can help.  (With one more post you'll have access to Private Messaging). 

All the best,

Kendra

[CallMeKatie]

Before I finally accepted I am transgender and before I started to attempt to become female,  I was (still am but making a point) as a attracted to trans women as cis women.
Having a penis doesn't mean you arent a girl at all. Being a girl makes you a girl.

Okay I am one person, but sexual organs don't matter to me, what I want is someone who makes me happy.
If there is one there will be others.

So girl, keep your chin up, you are an amazing woman and you will find a guy who loves you.
Just these things like all dating in my experience, take time

[FinallyMichelle]

It seems to me that they are separate issues but because of attitude of the general population there they are linked in a scary way. I love Laerte, her art and the way she interprets life, I have often wondered though if her social status is the reason for her being accepted. I have seen the videos and read the stories of the violence against trans people in your country, it hurts and scares me so deep that it always takes me days to recover. I don't think, from what I have seen, that Brazilians consider themselves Hispanic or Latino, is that correct? I do think the same religious/machismo mentality are at the core though. The largest group of people that directed anger at me here in the north east USA have been Hispanic men. It is like I can feel the anger and hatred coming off of them. Not all, please don't misunderstand, it is not all Hispanic people or even men, but the ones that are like that are really bad. I don't know how to help you with that, I am sorry. Maybe moving if possible? Would that be an option for you?

As to the other part. 😁 Here I can hopefully give you another viewpoint. Are you ready?
Men are easy.
Men
Are
Easy.
It's that simple. Now don't anyone take offense 😆 it's not in any way derogatory, more an exasperation for us. They just want something warm and wet to put their pride and joy into. You are making them out to be way more discerning than they actually are. One of the guys at work who was really bad about making fun of me was called out on it one day by one of his friends. He said, "Oh, I would 'F' him, so would most of you, I just like giving him a hard time." Grr! I was so happy to leave there! There are so many more bisexual men than people know, trust me when I say having a penis is not a problem. I have only dated men who consider themselves "straight" not one has ever shown any hesitation over my stupid little birth defect. The majority actually wanted to feel like they were taking care of me so they tried to um... well you know what I mean. Not happening, no way, but they were open to it.

Where you live it is more difficult for people to be who they truly are, so it will change some things, maybe everything in the what a man WILL do as opposed to what a man WANTS to do. You have to know though that you can be as desirable to a man as any cis woman. I have seen it first hand, repeatedly. Six months ago I would tell men that hit on me when I was out with my friends in a safe environment that I was trans, so they would leave me alone. I don't bother anymore, I just say, Sorry, I am just having a night out with the girls. I stopped saying I was trans because 85% of them immediately said that they didn't care, 10% thought about it and said okay, and 5% looked like they would kill me if they could. That is scary, only one out of the maybe 20 guys that have approached me was like that, but that was enough. Why risk it when most men don't care at all anyway. One actually argued with me that I wasn't trans. Lol. When you say to a guy that knows you are trans jokingly that you wouldn't do that to him and he looks you right in the eye and says you can do whatever you want to me. I don't know, you just kind of lose that fear as you learn that men don't care.

Again, where you live... I have no idea. My heart goes out to you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on feel free to PM me.
Hugs