Advice for a binary person who is married to a non-binary person?

[Cora]

Hi everyone,

So, last year my husband told me that he thinks he's a trans woman. We've been in therapy since then and currently I think he's toying with the idea that he is non-binary. I've asked him if I should use female pronouns with him, but he declined and he was happy I asked. I've asked if I should take him female clothing shopping, but it sounds like he doesn't want to wear female clothes unless he can pass as a woman. My spouse isn't out to anyone besides me.

My spouse has said that he doesn't like labels, but I've told him I'm not a lesbian, so that might be an issue going forward. He has shaved all the hair off his body--I'm ok with that, but I told him that going on hormones might be a problem for me. I guess my problem is is that I'm not sure how I can validate his gender fluid identity if basically nothing has changed?

Has anyone had this experience? How did you navigate it? If you are non-binary, have you ever had a partner who was on one side of the binary?

[Devlyn]

Non-binary is your identity, not your presentation or your physical sex. I'm non-binary, neither a man nor a woman.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jessica]

Hi Cora!  I identify as gender fluid or non-binary and married.  We have been married for 37 years and still in love.  She has known from the beginning that I was conflicted on a number of levels when it came to my gender.  None of that interfered with raising a family, and since transitioning to be more feminine for me only became possible recently, I kept that packed away for a rainy day. 
What sent me in the direction I've gone is because my wife mentioned that our healthcare now included gender care.  I got a referral for therapy and felt that hrt could balance my psyche to be more in line with how I feel.  I still can present entirely male, but can feel comfortable in how I look feminine if I want.  The medication doesn't change who you are, it does more than change some physical aspects (which can be muted with male clothing), it helps keep your mind balanced. 
NB or gender fluid doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you, that's sexual identity, not the same as gender identity.
Hopefully you both can go to therapy together, or separately, to works things out between the two of you.

Jessica

[Dena]

Just an idea but you might suggest so androgynous/unisex clothing that might have a feminine feel but still be acceptable in male circles. Something like skinny jeans and a turtle neck top could still be considered male but has a much more feminine feel to it. You might also consider purchasing one feminine outfit to be used for experimentation so your husband can determine if it's possible to present feminine.

[Jenny94]

Yes, so if your husband is slim, then well-fitting jeans and top are a nice adrogynous way to go - if I'm in a hurry, then that's what I go with, though I have a bra on underneath, because a totally flat chest is not something I'm comfortable with. I'm NB, born male and per-HRT. As for not wanting to date someone who's partly female, I'm afraid you either have to get over that, or end the marriage. xx

[Sno]

Hiya, welcome!

There is nothing quite so contentious as the clothing uniforms that we have to wear - especially for us who feel we are neither of the two choices. There is the androgynous side where we can mix it up if we are somewhere between the two ends of the binary, but, what if we feel neither? In certain respects I feel like neither man nor woman, and yet for public decency, I have to put something on, so I do, and generally my femme side screams at me for the lack of cut, styling details, patterns and colours in the world of drab.

Personally, transition isn't possible to represent my female characteristics - so I'm left with man-drab.

Switching clothing for me would be interesting - affirming in one sense, but incapacitating in another, as it would represent to myself in no uncertain terms the reality of being trans. Whilst I haven't taken that step, yet, I can maintain a semblance of denial, which makes the man suit more manageable. If I took that step, it would also bring all of the other issues I have into sharp relief, and quite simply I'm in no position to be able to handle that psychologically.

My reality is such that I am triggered by the medical and dental professions, and have huge flashbacks with the accompanying panic attacks. My reality involves heavy sedation for any kind of treatment, and strong anti-anxiety drugs from the point of decision that treatment is required, until the treatment is complete. Elective surgery is out of the question, and emergency surgery generally makes my cPTSD worse.

You're in a privileged position, being invited alongside your partner in their journey, unfortunately it will proceed at a pace that they are comfortable with - from our side it can feel like a slippery slope, and a burden of expectation, when we believe the reality should be a relaxed exploration.

I'm not sure if that's written well, I'm having word problems at the moment (cPTSD) but just relax and enjoy. Support, yes, understand yes, encourage, yes by all means.


(Hugs)


Rowan

[Sylvia]

Hi Cora (I know you from 'elsewhere' of course)
I think we are in a similar situation and I'll be interested to see what responses you get.
My partner too is pretty much gender fluid too - the therapist thinks so too - but whether that is because he's too scared 'go further' remains to be seen.
He won't 'come out female', but most of his clothes are female - he's very skinny, and wears women's skinny jeans, quite tight ribbed sweaters, sometimes leggings (but those only at home). All his underwear is female 'shapewear'. He also is shaved all over, and like you, I am ok with that. I don't like hairy men! He has 2 earrings, sometimes wears a bit of subtle make up and has long hair (which he has always had). Would your spouse be happy with those sorts of clothes? Mine too, doesn't want to look like an obvious ->-bleeped-<- (sorry for any offence, those were his words) and he knows he will never 'pass' so really doesn't even want to try to. He has occasionally gone out more female (breast forms, tight clothes, make up) - without me - to see if he can 'get away' with it. He does. He insists this is something he only occasionally needs to do. I have told him I'm happy for him to dress more female at home, but he doesn't seem to want to do it very often at all. He still is 'he' and he absolutely doesn't want to have a femme name. He likes his own name.
I too have said I couldn't be in a lesbian relationship, but strangely, I think that sexually at least, I am. And we are both enjoying our sex life more than we have for years. Go figure. So I don't know how 'binary' I actually am, and I am rather confused about it. Maybe it's because when he's naked, nothing has really changed, although I'm treating him more like a woman sexually.
Anyway, not being much help to you, Cora, just to say, I'm kind of where you are, and would love to hear others' input.

[Donna]

I am asexual so that takes that off the table. My wife is straight but does have the concerns about a lesbian relationship or appearance of it. We are working on a solution for us and so far it's ok.
We all move at our own rate and maybe one day he will take the next step. For now it sounds like you are very supportive and that is a huge plus, be open and honest about your true feelings and you will find what you need to move forward.

[Cora]

Just an idea but you might suggest so androgynous/unisex clothing that might have a feminine feel but still be acceptable in male circles. Something like skinny jeans and a turtle neck top could still be considered male but has a much more feminine feel to it. You might also consider purchasing one feminine outfit to be used for experimentation so your husband can determine if it's possible to present feminine.

Yeah, he's definitely been changing up his wardrobe. He used to really be into suits, but he has purchased skinnier pants and tops similar to turtle necks. To me, it reads as male, but I guess for him it's more androgynous. I never really thought of turtle necks as androgynous but I guess they are! LOL

[Cora]

Hiya, welcome!

I'm not sure if that's written well, I'm having word problems at the moment (cPTSD) but just relax and enjoy. Support, yes, understand yes, encourage, yes by all means.


(Hugs)


Rowan

Thank you for your comments! I really appreciate it!

[Cora]

Hi Cora (I know you from 'elsewhere' of course)
I think we are in a similar situation and I'll be interested to see what responses you get.
My partner too is pretty much gender fluid too - the therapist thinks so too - but whether that is because he's too scared 'go further' remains to be seen.

Anyway, not being much help to you, Cora, just to say, I'm kind of where you are, and would love to hear others' input.

Thank you for swinging by Sylvia! I'm always looking for answers and it's really difficult when there are none. I wouldn't mind talking about how he is feeling about his gender. I could have sworn I told him I don't mind talking about it, but the other day he was like, "You want to talk about stuff!? I had no idea!" So, I guess if I could get some sense of a type of conversation that people usually have with their spouse, I could work off of that? Maybe I could suggest an androgynous clothing shopping day?

[Cora]

I am asexual so that takes that off the table. My wife is straight but does have the concerns about a lesbian relationship or appearance of it. We are working on a solution for us and so far it's ok.
We all move at our own rate and maybe one day he will take the next step. For now it sounds like you are very supportive and that is a huge plus, be open and honest about your true feelings and you will find what you need to move forward.

Thank you so much for the kind words Donna!