How do you get by when you're not full time/closeted?

[DeValInDisguise]

Over the past several years of denial I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation.  Standard low self esteem, social withdrawal, problems concentrating (which led to the loss of my last job), etc.  But recently I've allowed myself to start becoming who I really am, not what I was "supposed to be".  When I get the opportunity to dress properly and present as Val I don't have the constant sense of failure and immanent doom that normally accompanies me.  But eventually I have to go drab and it soon starts up again.

At the moment it is not a tremendous problem.  I'm between jobs and the kids are in school, so I get plenty of time to relax.  I can spend most of the day in a good mood and get things done.  But the Christmas break is coming and the kids will be here all day, every day.  And I will probably have a job by the time they go back to school. 

What tricks have you learned to "take it with you" when you're forced to "be" your birth gender?  How do you get by?

Val

[natalie]

what helps for me to better understand myself and go on day by day is:

talking with a therapist often. so much inside that i got to talk about. it is bad to hold it in. talking with people like the folks on Susan's.
writing down how I feel. some times i got to let it out on to paper so not to fill my mind.
being with groups of like minded, open people. a bit tougher since it means i got travel.
being as positive as i can be. ( i know it is tough) I am my own worst enemy some times, which i'm trying so hard to change.
counting your blessings. a example i just sent out some holiday cards to people. it felt good in the end to find out i was WAY short on cards to send out.

being true to ones self.

having hope that it will work out.

-Natalie ;-)

.

[Sarah]

I couldnt keep it in anymore.
Hiding who I was was making me miserable.
I had to start coming out to people.
It started with one person who I really trusted.
We have to trust someone.
Then it built from there.
Family was actually one of the last I talked too about it.

What was really helpful, was having a confiding friend or two, who would let me be myself arround them.
I had a couple of really great Gay friends who did this for me. That really helped take the preasure off.
It went from there, but that was probably the most important interim stuff.

[Kim]

Val,
   I don't know how old your kids are but mine are 7,6 and 4 plus a new born. After my wife and I talked over my being IS and settled into it we sat the kids down and told them and they took it very well so far. My family was told and turned their backs on us now so telling my wife's family has been put on hold - more fear than anything honestly. And nobody at work knows either. I do not hide myself though. Whenever I am around the in-laws I wear slacks and top rather than a dress or skirt, and tights or just put anklets over my nylons and wear transparent type of makeup. So far no problems. As for work, I am in by-law enforcement so we all wear the same uniform so clothing is not an issue, just nylons, bra and uniform and boots of course. I do my makeup the same as I do around my in-laws. Ok, some may say I am hiding in a way, but I don't feel so. I am not big on slacks but I survive. So far it's working for us this way. But even still I feel the time is close of telling my in-laws, just gotta settle the nerves after the blow out with my family. Oh, the boots I wear are female ones but nobody seems to notice though. Good luck.
                                                            Kim   

[cjennyb]

Hi Val, 

I feel for you and your difficulties.

I continually get through my anxiety buy any number of methods;

Focus on my job and concentrate on nothing else. Some times difficult to do.
OR
Try to experience each moment of the day, the interactions, actions etc.. as your true gender and and therefore understand how it feels to be Val internally, i.e. pretending to be Jenny in everyday life helps me express myself even when I to wear male clothes.
OR
Realise, as I did, that carrying your true gender around with you internally is a gift, even if you don't explicity express it by gener specific clothing. 
I go to work in jeans and  a T-shirt, but still feel feminine, and a lot of genetic females go to work in jeans and T-shirts also.  So what is the difference?  Do the clothes make you woman? 

It is all in my/your head.

Nobody will tell you that it is easy.  It is not.  Most everybody here will also tell you that you have to work hard for what you want.  Nothing is for free.  We are cursed/gifted.

My release was achieved by talking to a therapist.  Somebody who would listen to the real me, my problems, my issues, concerns etc.. and not judge me, but guide me.  This lifted one hell of a weight off my shoulders, removed the anchor from around my neck and set me free.   I can't say enough good things about 'good' therapists.

In the end we all go through roughly the same pain and suffering and anguish, and we stay true to ourselves, and get through it. 

Just be true to Val and you will find that you feel better about it all.

Find/cultivate a support network. You have already started. It is important.

Hugs
Jenny

[Berliegh]

Hi Val, 

I feel for you and your difficulties.

I continually get through my anxiety buy any number of methods;

Focus on my job and concentrate on nothing else. Some times difficult to do.
OR
Try to experience each moment of the day, the interactions, actions etc.. as your true gender and and therefore understand how it feels to be Val internally, i.e. pretending to be Jenny in everyday life helps me express myself even when I to wear male clothes.
OR
Realise, as I did, that carrying your true gender around with you internally is a gift, even if you don't explicity express it by gener specific clothing. 
I go to work in jeans and  a T-shirt, but still feel feminine, and a lot of genetic females go to work in jeans and T-shirts also.  So what is the difference?  Do the clothes make you woman? 

It is all in my/your head.

Nobody will tell you that it is easy.  It is not.  Most everybody here will also tell you that you have to work hard for what you want.  Nothing is for free.  We are cursed/gifted.

My release was achieved by talking to a therapist.  Somebody who would listen to the real me, my problems, my issues, concerns etc.. and not judge me, but guide me.  This lifted one hell of a weight off my shoulders, removed the anchor from around my neck and set me free.   I can't say enough good things about 'good' therapists.

In the end we all go through roughly the same pain and suffering and anguish, and we stay true to ourselves, and get through it. 

Just be true to Val and you will find that you feel better about it all.

Find/cultivate a support network. You have already started. It is important.

Hugs
Jenny

I completely agree with you Jenny. Prior to transition I worked as a van delivery driver and wore levi jeans, white T shirt and a guys denim jacket......but I was still getting the same response as I do now and if I had a heavy load to carry.........guys would open doors for me and help carry the heavy boxes. I wasn't on hormones at that time and I hadn't done anything with my hair..

Clothes do not define sexuality or gender.......gender is in - built and shows in your body launguage and persona.......

I have always felt female no matter what clothes I wear. I used to wear a boiler suit in one job I had but I didn't feel any less feminine because of it....