I know there is a huge difference between gender identity and sexuality , but the two together make my situation more complex.
Part of the reason that I delayed in beginning my transition, is because I am attracted to women. ( It's not that I don't have a little bit of attraction to men, but because I don't even like hanging out with men most of the time, I have only been in a relationship with women.).
I tried to be who I felt I had to be to attract a woman. I was programed to believe that women only want real men.( If I could talk to my younger self, I would gladly explain how much of a mistake that was.) But that didn't work most of them time, because I wasn't masculine enough and at times, I was too sexually timid . ( Go figure...lol).
The problem is, I'm not a top , I'm more of a bottom. I can make myself do things I'm not comfortable with, but I usually feel guilty afterwards. ( For years prior to transitioning I had sex with my partner less than once a month.)
After I started transitioning, me and my partner are still together, but we haven't been intimate for at least 8 months. I don't miss being a top. But I miss the intimacy.
My sex drive is very limited, and everytime I have any desires , I begin to feel guilty. ( I'm only on estradiol for the time being. No spironolactone yet.)
Masturbating is forbidden by my partner. And she wouldn't be pleased to know how I used to do that. So I just don't do it anymore. Because I don't want anymore shame than I already have.
I feel like this is my punishment for not coming out sooner. ( Having no sex life.) I don't know what to do, or where to start.
I want to have a sex life, but I can't loose my partner.( She is the last family I have left.)
I feel bad for even wanting a sex life. I feel like I am not susposed to be sexy.
Sorry if this is a bit rambly and kinda graphic.
Laurel
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