Please bare with me

[Erica78]

I dont really know what manner or form that I should write this but as the title says please bare with me. So Ill just write this however it comes out and maybe someone else here will be able to decipher what Im intending to say.
Im 27 years old and was born with both male and female body parts but thru out time as a child living as a female with many times of surgery and such Ive become the Son my parents wanted in the first place. I know kinda crazy huh? But my thing is this. My Brain is still femme. But along the same lines I have a very deep voice Im 6'5 now and honestly I cant stand it. My girlfriend told me to take more hormones to try and reverse the process back over to female but talking to some other TG friends needless to say they think it might throw my body out of whack going from Hermaphrodite (60% female) to 100% male minus my brain back to female. I really have never met a woman over 6'1 so my height and fact that I went thru puberty living as a guy needless to say I feel chances of me ever being able to return to what I should have been is well shot. I dont know. Needless to say if UI was to even try and my parents found out which would be hard to hide Id think it would break my mothers heart and I dont want to hurt her. So i may be cursed. I just figured Id share that.
Im not some guy trying to get sypathy from anyone. Just make some new girlfriends and maybe get some ideas and whatnot.

Take Care,
Erica

PS. Believe it or not but I found my original birth certificate and Erica is my birth name. I actually have a separate birth certificate with my new name and such on it along with everything else.

[Kate Thomas]

Hi Erica And Welcome To susans
Thats quite a story you have. I am very happy that you have a signifant other to share this time with.
Please look around susans and chech the wiki  for information.  you hav realy found a great spot with us here.

Take care
Hugs Kate

[Valerie]

Welcome, Erica ! 

It's nice to have you here.  You certainly are going through a tumultuous time, and you have picked a good place to air your thoughts and feelings. 

Susan's is a wonderful and diverse family who will support, encourage, enlighten, and even learn from you as you make your presence with us more known.  We're a fun-loving crew, sometimes rowdy (in a good way!), and you will never, ever be lacking an opinion.  Most of all, we're just a community of friends from all walks of life who laugh and cry with each other. 

As Kate said, the Wiki has lots of information.  Also be sure to check out the Site rules.  While you're looking around, notice the Introductions and feel free to post there as well, as I think a good number of people check the Introductions so they can give newcomers a proper welcome. The Intersex board might be a place to begin reading about others similar to yourself, but you just poke around and be nosy---anyone can post on any board they wish. 

I cannot speak from experience, but many of my friends here at Susan's have overcome some overwhelming obstacles, and while it may look far-fetched to you right now, you may just do the same, if you remain true to yourself and follow your heart. 

Make yourself at home, Erica.  More folks will be by tomorrow to give you a good ol' Susan's welcome...

Valerie

[Dennis]

Erica, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to have a gender chosen for you at birth and it be the wrong one. At least my parents had visible evidence for choosing the wrong gender. They couldn't have known what my brain was like.

And 6'5. Should you transition, you will be a beautiful, statuesque woman. Just don't get a thing for taller guys than you, for the following reasons:
1) it will narrow the field considerably and
2) a lot of us worthwhile guys are short little buggers, but still worth putting in your sights.

Oh, and I have a bio female friend who's 6'3, so you're not far off that.

I'm 5'5 and my dad was 5'7, so I was gonna have to get used to the short guy thing whether I was born male or not.

Dennis

[Cassandra]

Hi Erica,

Welcome to Susan's. Wow! What a story. We do have some intersexed folk here although some of them haven't posted in awhile maybe your story might prompt some of them to pop back in. As has been stated there is a lot of info in the WIki so be sure to check it out.

If I read you correctly you were originally altered to be male from an intersexed mostly female body. I assume your parents decision. If as you say you are more female brained and feel that being male is wrong for you then that would have been a wrong devision. It is often the case with intersexed people that parents make the decision as to what sex the child should be raised as and this is more often a mistake and is something the child should decide on. In a perfect world that is what would have happened in the first place.

You should talk to your mother about this. You may find that she will be more supportive than you think. She along with your father made a tough call in your youth. If this was a mistake I would think as loving parents they would want you to correct it if you can. I am no authority on intersexed transition especially after years of being fixed to ba a male when it should have been female and trying to reverse that. You should speak to a doctor about this. It could be that you could transition to female and it may not be as difficult as it might seem.

Were  you ever operated on, like a mastectomy or anything. If not you may be able to take hormones succesfully for feminization. I guess in your case it might be re-feminization. I wouldn't worry about the height thing. There are tall women in the world. There is much for you to learn and a lot you need to investigate before you write yourself off as being "cursed". So fix yourself a cup of tea or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Remember, here at Susan's you are amongst friends.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Sara]

Uma Thurman stands 6 feet 4 inches tall with her heels so I wouldnt worry about that. Uma has big feet too and long hands so stop this self analyzing and do what you feel is right for you. I dont think mones will change your voice back to female but you can get therapy for that. Oh and who has the right to pick who you are Boy or Girl or even both, YOU DO.

Be who you want to be, who you know you are and not somebody everyone else wants you to be.

Just so you know I have been told by Doctors after a blood test that I am somewhere between a male and female because of the way my chromosomes are but they can not get a clear enough picture (scan) of my internals due to so much cloud (gas) that they expect that I could have female bits inside too. I am 5 feet 9 or 10 so dont panic about height or anything else for that matter just be you.

Oh and dont whatever you do take a larger dose of hormones than what is prescribed by your Doctor as that could be deadly.

I hope you see my point here and do not get upset by my blunt post, I am only concerned with your well being.


Sara.

[HelenW]

Welcome to Susan's, Erica!

This is a warm safe place for you and is the right spot for you to bare all.  Most of us at Susan's are "intersexed" in some way, even if the inter is between our brain and our bod and not genetically, so while we may not be able to fully imagine what you have gone through, we can get a pretty good idea and empathize with you.  I certainly can personally attest to the pain and confusion of being something different inside from what everyone else told me.

I hope that your experience of this site, not just the forums, the whole thing, links, library, Wiki, is as good or better than mine is (I just love it here!).  We'll all be looking forward to hearing more from you in the future.

Again, WELCOME ! ! !
helen

[Erica78]

Thank you all so much for such a warm heart-felt welcome. I do have a few questions though...

And BTW Sara be blunt, Id prefer it that way. Ive found that beating around the bush really accomplishes nothing at all. So I appreciate yours and everyones opinion completely.

Ok first off what is wiki? Ive seen this mentioned quite a bit thusfar and have no idea as to what it is.
Secondly as to the question referring to surgery: Yes I have had surgery I dont know really what for but I have about a 4 inch scar going horizontal about 3-4 inches below my bellybutton and another that is in my groinal region to the left of my pubic bone. As to why are what was done I dont know. I had to take a form of steroids I guess the doctor was saying that they were suppost to boost the level of testosterone in my system or something of that nature. If I sound dumbfounded in this its because I am, Ive spent all this time trying to forget about the past that I guess all the more extensive info Ive pretty much blocked out. And yes it was my parents decision as to my sex. They wanted a boy, my mother went thru a lot and had 3 miscarries before me and then had 2 more after before my brother. As far as supportiveness I dont think the support level would be near as much as one might believe. I have brought it up to her in the past but the subject always gets changed. Ive come to realize more and more each day that my brain is female over male due to multiple reasons. For instance that jeans are like shoes, you can never have to many. The girl I speak of is actually my best friend. And she was actually around me when I was a female. A lot of people seem to get the impression that Im gay. But in a sense I guess I would be...hehe Born a female have the brain of a female and I date females. But unfortunately thats not really how most others view it as. I know what I wanna do is become the lady God intended me to be, But at the same time all the pain depression, and trauma I went thru to get to this point among the counseling and such I wonder if it would really be worth it all. Im so happy I have my friend.sometimes I just want to pull the slide back and stop it all, lol but that still would solve nothing.
I dont know. Id leave my number in case anyone wanted to chit chat sometime but I didnt really read the TOS so that might be a violation. That proves right there I guess its a guy thing somewhat. Take the easy way out right?

Later,
Erica Cherise M.

[Kimberly]

Peruse the wiki here -- Think of it as a encyclopedia...

Hello Erica, pleased to meet you

I, myself, having lived 30 years with the wrong parts tend to think that ANY trauma and nearly any price is worthwhile to find peace with oneself. Of my 30 years I have spent 20 in basic agony... being mismatched is not worth whatever may be gained by remaining incongruent or lost by trying to correct the condition.

Your email is visible so you can be contacted that way, and you can receive PMs via the forum here, though it will be a few more posts yet until you my reply to them.

Join us in our conversations and be at ease

[Jillieann Rose]

Hello Erica
On live chat did you accept the software that needs to be installed when you first try to go in? After that you need to enter a user name and a Chat (pull down the menu and select one of the rooms (TG CD ect.) Tahen you will be connected and you can chat.
Hope this helps.
Be who you are not what other want you to be. (Be ture to yourself) It's the only way to peace of mind and sprirt.

Jillieann

[Sara]

Erica, did you go to the Chat area when I was on. I never twigged you know. Feel free to chat with me anytime and if I dont pick up on the name from now on just shoot me. Your mom is scared too and I should not have come accross as if she had no right to choose who she wanted as a child. I feel like a b**ch now.
IF you are certain in yourself that you are who you want to be then you are now able to make a decision for yourself. Go ahead and be who you are are inside.

I really feel for you and have been through depression over similar events but each event is different for everyone and yours is very real to you. Remember to take a step back and breathe and if you still feel the same about things then go ahead but dont look back.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

Sara.

[Leigh]

and another that is in my groinal region to the left of my pubic bone. 

Sounds like a scar from a hernia operation to me.

[Erica78]

hmmm dont recall haveing a hernia but its possible since I really dont know

[Valerie]

My brother had a hernia operation while he was still an infant.  Apparently it's not so uncommon...or at least, not 22 years ago !     

[Erica78]

Well I just dont remember. 

[beth]

        I wonder if an operation to descend the testicles would have a similar scar as a hernia operation. It is also possible that they removed female parts. If you want to know you could ask your parents (they might not even know exactly what was done) or get access to your medical records.


beth

[Erica78]

You know you mentioning that makes me wonder.
Where is the incision made for a woman that gets a hysterectomy (sp)? because I still dont know what the other scar would be from...but then again Im probably just running off at the mouth anyhow.

[Andre]

Hey Erica! Wow!
You know..last year I had surgery(damn ovarian cysts)..and before exact diagnosis ..for  about an hour gunaecologist and urologist were trying to figure out what was there..they wrote hermaphroditism(thought that I have small testes above ovaries)..at the end..it was a mistake...just cysts..but I still have a paper with signet-diagnosis hermaphroditism...oh if only that could be the truth

[Erica78]

Yeah man I hear ya on that but as we all know Andre everything just is never that simple.