Hi all, I just felt like splurging out my dysphoria to the internet. It doesn't cover my doubt, my shame or my anorexia, but I just wanted to get it out there in case it resonated with anyone.
What does this feel like?
So....you wake up in the morning. You feel someone else's else's genitals in your sheets. You realise they are you own. You try to get back to sleep, you've got a few hours yet before you need to be up. But it's difficult, to sleep here with a foreign, uninvited penis under your sheets. Eventually you wake up, and you can't deny it any more: it's attached to your own body.
So up you get, you bury your genitals (for they must be your own) in your subconscious, you spend hours training your voice to the point where you can hear it without wanting to die. You've already missed your morning appointment. Never mind, it was only moderately important. You've got the three outfits in front of the mirror, the three silent, deafening utterances of the word "->-bleeped-<-" in your ear, to get through yet. Eventually, crouching in front of the mirror, you convince yourself that you can get through the day. You can pass. You can stare down anybody whose eyes convey that silent word you scream to yourself in your head every waking second.
"Man."
You can pretend to yourself that the terfs are wrong. That you deserve to exist. That you deserve to use the bathroom in your university. In the pub. In the café, in McDonalds. You get through the day.
No work accomplished today. Maybe tomorrow? Never mind. Never mind the PhD. I didn't kill myself today. Let's drink.
Sorry if this was dark for anyone. I just wanted to express it, I guess. Life isn't really worth living at the moment.
xxxxxx
