Hey
This is my first post after reading for a while.
I am considering admitting that I might be partially transgender
I am in my late 30ies, and I have kids. That makes it all a bit harder. Though I have to say that the by far hardest thing for me is to reconcile the last 20 years.
My story: I always assumed I was heterosexual cisgender female - what else?! Then I fell in love with women. Never acted on it. Continued a hetero cis life. Kept talking about how I want to sleep with a woman but always had excuses. Then both my partner, my therapist and my friend told me to do it. Found a girl who was up for the challenge and....I was disappointed. I realized that I had zero interest in sex with a woman as a woman. I was upset with the world because I felt like it cheated. I had always imagined sex with a woman as a man. And then that did not happen. I was really confused because to me, that had been a given.
A few months forward, my now girlfriend and even my partner secretly call me by a male name. I have thought about it a lot, obviously. What do I do with all the years, how can I integrate all those years instead of just throwing everything out the window?
If there were no repercussions and no social drama, I'd transition today. I'd sign my body away today without looking back. I ALWAYS assumed that every woman felt like that and it never occurred to me that being a woman was not just bad luck but that some people actually want to be women.
If you read this and you're further along, I'd be interested in what thoughts and resources there are in terms of order of coming out, name change, pronoun change, hormones. I am not interested in surgery right now. My penis envy will have to wait.
