boyfriend wants to be a woman, please read and advise

[daisydo22]

hi, I apologise if this ends up being a long post.

my boyfriend and I split up a week ago, we were together for 5 months, he wants to be a woman and he says he is gay. we are going to remain friends and I am going to help him as much as I can, he is going to book a doctors appointment and I am booking us a counselling session this week, at his request, this is something I have strongly advocated as I don't feel that he can make any major decisions until he has spoken to someone.

I am worried though and I will explain why....his mum committed suicide when he was 5, he found her body but thought she was asleep, his older brother then realised what had happened, there were 3 brothers and their mum always wanted a girl, they went to live with their dad and step mum, apparently the step mum told my ex that his mum killed herself cos she wanted a girl, I feel this has stuck in my ex's head and has affected him. his step mum wasn't very affectionate and didn't nurture him, she had a daughter with my ex's dad and I think my ex saw the relationship they had and over time this confused him as he felt that perhaps he wasn't good enough unless he was a girl, these are the messages that he picked up. attachment is very important in children and it shapes their relationships for the rest of their life. my ex said that at school he had emotional and behavioural issues, he was an angry child and often beat up other kids. he has been in relationships with females, he has 2 children, these relationships have never been good apparently, he says he has always suppressed the fact that he wants to be a woman. hes dressed up a few times and liked how it felt. I could tell when I was with him that things weren't right, he wasn't like anyone I had been in a relationship with before.

he's very black or white thinking, he struggles to show emotion or talk about feelings. he appears to have no empathy, if people die he just says 'oh well' and gets over it. he has known a lot of people commit suicide and I think he is de sensitised, he was in the army and found someone who had hung himself.

5 weeks into the relationship he went out and got drunk and the next day he told me he was gay and wanted to be a woman, i was heartbroken, the next day he told me that he made it all up as he turns into a 'weirdo' when he's had a drink, he promised me he was lying and that he wanted to be with me, i got him a skype counselling session with someone who deals with identity issues, he said that it went well and him dressing up was a way of feeling close to his dead mother. i was ok with him dressing up, that doesn't bother me so we carried on the relationship, things weren't great, nice person but not emotionally supportive, sex wasn't great, he kept saying it was due to his diabetes. so a week ago we split up cos i could tell he was 'off' and the next day he started telling me again that hes gay and he wants to be a woman, this time he said he is serious and its what he wants. i've been supportive through my anger, i know he's also been lying to himself but i feel so betrayed, i love him, he told me that he loved me and he lied, but anyway my concern is for him, his personality changes so much depending on whether he is of the male mindset or female, he isn't able to acknowledge my feelings, he just wants to talk about nails, wigs, make up, clothes, i understand he is excited for this new life but my gut is telling me that this isn't what he wants deep down and he has serious psychological issues that he needs to deal with first (childhood trauma, attachment and abandonment issues)

he is 6 foot 2, 20 stone, has a beard and he will not be able to go out and 'blend' in, he's talking about wanting to go out in public, i've told him to wait until he has had the counselling as they can guide him through it, i would hate for things to back fire. people will look and i don't know how prepared for that he is. i'm not ready to go out with him yet. i've told him that he needs to practice around the house, do make up etc which i will help with but my emotions are too raw right now, it upsets me cos i love him and i miss him but he just wants to plan girly pamper nights etc. he says as a male he feels anger a lot of the time yet when he is more feminine as he says, he feels happier and calmer. he seems to put things in a male only box or a female only box and it something is considered feminine then as a male he can't and wont do it. he is the most masculine, alpha male i have ever met and thats what attracted me to him, he can be sexist and have strong views on life which when challenged doesn't really budge. he says this is all a front and he is more feminine really. when i talk to him in his female mindst he is softer, gentle, but i think its a form of escape? growing up he learnt that being female was always more acceptable, his real mum wanted a girl, he saw his step mum treat his sister with more love and affection and he didn't get any. his dad was a 'man up' type of bloke so i feel maternal love was lacking.

he brought a new car 4 wks ago, black bmw and he tells me today that he doesn't want it anymore and he wants a more feminine car, he said he will give up his job and work in care, i asked why care as i don't think he would be able to do that, i asked what he was passionate about and he said 'ok maybe hairdressing'. it seems hes doing all the right things stereoptypically and not going for what he feels. for me there seems a disconnection, something isn't right.

i work in social care and training to be a counsellor so i have researched this so much, excuse me if i speak out of term, i don't mean to offend anyone and these are genuine questions i would like answering but could he have too much female hormone in his body which is making him like this? does it need regulating? hes diabetic and he said this all became stronger when he was diagnosed as diabetic. could he be on the autisitc spectrum? his lack of emotions and empathy makes me wonder that.

i wonder if his thinking is along these lines......' i struggle to get an erection, i must be gay', 'i'm angry as a man and calm as a woman, i must want to be a  woman','i like wearing make up and wearing womens clothes, i must want to be a woman'. he says that he has never been with a man and he wouldn't want to as a man but he prob could as a woman although that would then make him heterosexual? is it normal to be so confused? i know he feels bad, guilty, ashamed and i'm trying my hardest to help and understand but i'm finding it very difficult. 

i apologise if anything i have written is offensive, i'm just trying to get my head around something that i didn't sign up for, its a brief relationship and it easier for me to walk away but i can't, i want to help him, he needs me, he says that he is scared he will lose me as he really wants me in his life as i'm the only one who has ever been there for him this much and i don't want to trigger or reinforce any of his abandonment issues.

please can someone help as much as possible, i understand its his decision and i am def not telling him its the wrong decision, i just want him to do the right thing, counselling is the way forward but can anyone relate to any of this? x

[Sno]

Firstly (hugs) - this is difficult for both of you, but caution, and counseling are both good things right now.

From a personal perspective, my outie has had extended periods of malfunction lol, and yes, accusations of being gay. However, I don't like men. Ever. It was some irreconcilable dilemma, almost a paradox. Trying to work out the problem was all consuming, until the realisation that yes, the bod may be male, but the brain, is very definitely female. That was when things started to fit into place. For the first time my pathological hatred for parts of me, and more were easily explained.

It could be that your partner has had a similar moment of clarity.

Rowan

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Being transgender is something you are born with however there are a small percentage of people who as the result of trauma in their life state they are uncomfortable with their birth gender. This is why I feel it's important to have sufficient therapy to determine if there are condition that might make it difficult for a person to judge if they are transgender.

You have also described a number of other social issues that could have been caused by PTSD or just dealing with the fact they have been uncomfortable with their body and life for years. One of the benefits of therapy is it can help to clean up all these issues from the past so when we complete our transitions, we enter our new life with a clean slate.

This is far to complex for us to determine and I suspect it may take months of therapy to work through. Currently the best support you can provide is to encourage therapy and see what happens. It's possible that this state of mind will change and the person you know will become much more comfortable with life and maybe even a better friend however there are going to be difficult times for both of you before the issues are resolved.

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[daisydo22]

thank you so much for your replies, I feel bad that i'm trying to find reasons for this and it may appear that I can't accept it and maybe in a way I can't but I think its best to explore every avenue first, its easy to say 'ok yes you can go down the gender reassignment route' but psychologically some same issues will still be there, I want him to deal with these first and then perhaps things will be clearer etc. I have read about borderline personality disorder, he has some traits but I am looking forward to him meeting someone and talking it through with them, he wants me to go with him so he will have my support, I love him so much, as a friend and I understand his life must be very difficult. I want him to be happy. I will look at suggested youtube videos, thank you for that x

[MareldaRavyn]

Hi Daisydo22
My partner started to open up and start transitioning shortly after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, which I think was more because she re-evaluated what she wanted out of life after the health scare than any other reason. It may be your partner feels the same way.
My wife also did the whole, 'admit to wanting to be a woman while drunk, then deny it and try to forget about it' thing too, so there were some similarities I could see when reading your post.
As for the rest, I agree with you about counselling, its a good idea to help him figure out what he wants (transition and life direction) and to help with any childhood trauma from his past.
If you haven't seen it already this post may help, http://darahoffmanfox.com/transgender-childhood-events/
While being Transgender isn't caused by a traumatic childhood event, confusion about who you are as a person (including gender confusion) can, so its important for him to talk to a professional.
The things you have said about you partner while they are presenting as female (happier and calmer etc) are the same things I say about my wife now, she's happier and calmer than she's ever been, and the raging anger that was always just below the surface is gone since her transition.
As for hormones, pre transition my partner had more testosterone than average, and I don't think hormone levels will make someone transgender. In reverse, if this person has been having gender dysphoric thoughts since puberty, adjusting hormone levels won't make the thoughts go away.
I hope that makes sense.

It's also important to remember that gender and sexuality are different, and your parter may like women or men (or both), and that has nothing to do with their gender identity. It can be confusing for people who don't know that, who think for example 'I want to be a woman, but I can't be trans because I don't like men' when they are separate issues.
I hope I was some help, and I hope things work out for both of you.
All the best!
Marelda






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[Sno]

Firstly, do not feel bad, it is her situation that she has to deal with, and your responsibility is to you, as a friend or partner.
It's a fair reflection to say that she loves and wants to honour you, by being open with you first, before anyone else. That is a huge privilege, to be included in something that is deeply private for many.
That you're going to stand by her (even as a friend), through the start of this journey speaks volumes of your personal integrity and feelings for her - and you have the community here who will help or make suggestions as you ask questions.

You've got this, and it's going to be ok. Whatever the outcome.

Rowan

[Dena]

Daisydo22 there is nothing wrong with your game plan. There are just to many thing going on to attempt a transition without some therapy. Without therapy and with a transition, it possible for a person to blame their difficulties on their transition when the truth is their difficulties are cause by unresolved issues from the past. There is somewhere around a 2-3% chance of transition regret and part of that is the result of not receiving sufficient therapy.

You are correct in your conviction so stand by it and make sure your friend gets sufficient therapy. If a transition is the correct path, that will be determined in therapy for valid reason.

[Lady Sarah]

I, too, have been desensitized to certain things. Depending on my mood, I can be quite vicious, but feel nothing. That did not make me 'male'. Some women experience the same thing.
If your friend felt (at a young age) that he should have been female, then your friend is probably transgender. There are many that join the military, or take dangerous jobs, in order to 'man up'. This is a coping mechanism some use to deny to themselves that they might be trans.
A therapist may be able to help your friend figure all this out, and get on the right track.

[zirconia]

Hi, Daisydo

I can very well understand your worry, anger and confusion. While you want to help your boyfriend, it sounds like the situation seems so complex that it feels well-nigh overwhelming.

Any opinions I could give would be no better than guesswork, and I wouldn't even dare to try to try any kind of diagnosis. However, the two things that I feel sure of are that you sincerely want to offer him support, and he doesn't seem to want to listen to advice you want to give.

It sounds like while he is excited about what he wants to do, depending on his mood that also fluctuates. The only suggestion I can give is to concentrate on listening, and to rather than offer advice encourage him to talk of his own volition in more depth about what he feels.

Provided that he feels safe or can be made feel safe just being there with you, waiting for his words in silence can allow him to arrive at a more honest and in depth narrative than if he feels pressured to provide an answer that he thinks may satisfy you.

Since you are in training to become a counselor I'm pretty sure you know that people—especially if they're close to you—will sometimes try to find words that they feel may convince you or thwart disapproval, rather than actually following threads to where they lead. I hope that when you talk with him you can help him feel free of pressure to do so. For that to happen he needs to feel you're not judging him. Else he may concentrate on trying to win your approval.

If he really has been acting masculine against his wishes that may also have been in search for approval. It is also possible that as you suggest his desire to be female is at least in part due to the approval he may have wished for at a young age. Either way, I'd suggest that a non-judgmental interested acceptance of his thoughts as they form will probably allow him to unravel and develop them better than active approval or argument.

I've written more than I perhaps should, so I'll stop here. I sincerely hope that things will go well, but please allow me to say that if the situation shows no signs of clearing or gets even more complicated there is no shame in letting a professional third party bear the weight. It is sometimes very hard to counsel someone you are or have been very close to.

[EzriaDaniels]

You are born transgender. A small percentage "end up being transgender," from trauma. The only way you can really find out is through extensive therapy and be diagnosed with gender dsyphoria. I wish the best for both of you [emoji171]

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