The guys here will likely be able to provide way more insight than I can, but what I would like to say is... don't be sorry, okay? You've come to the right place. That's what this site is. It's a place for people to come to try and help make sense of what they're feeling.
You're very welcome here, and never be afraid to put down your thoughts, however you may feel they're organised. This can all be a very confusing, scary, jumbled mess at the start. No matter who you are. And sometimes we all need to just throw it all at the wall and see what sticks, as it were.
So don't worry, okay? The folks here are a wealth of information and insight. And we're glad to have you with us. *hugs*
What I will say is, coming from the other side of the coin, as it were, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. The idea of playing a role day in and day out. Actually forcing yourself to be someone else because you think it's how those around you want you to be, is something I've done myself in the past. Feeling like you're on stage and have to put in an Oscar-worthy performance, even though deep inside you don't feel it in the slightest, is something I definitely can relate to. You feel like you're looking out through someone else's eyes, and no matter how good you are, there's a resentment simmering deep down that it just isn't the real you.
Something I will also say, through my own experiences interacting with others, is that there are all kinds of men and women in this world. Many don't adhere to the stereotypes the world churns out. As others have stated, what you like and what you take enjoyment in does not necessarily equal who you are. Now more than ever it's easier to be an individual. To forge your own path and be yourself, rather than trying to fit yourself into a mold because it's one you think the world has created for you.
Something in your post strikes me as interesting, and it's something I'd like to address, if I can.
Quote from: Mitenka on February 21, 2018, 01:16:31 AM
I also am really uncomfortable now with a lot of masculine performance when it comes to emotions, sex, and so on. I'm 25 now -- when I was 19 and first allowed myself to express the conflict I felt when it came to gender, and started using he/him pronouns when I was around 21, I subscribed to a lot of the toxic masculine behavior that society expects, but at this stage I feel like I can see it from an outside perspective and reject it. Does all this mean I'm not actually a guy?
I feel you were kind of accurate when you called it a performance, Mitenka. In my view that's really what it is. Growing up as male, and being treated as such by my peer group, there was a sort of script handed to me on how to be. How to act. The "done thing to do". The "How To Be One Of The Boys Compendium", you know? It was very odd. Sort of a collective consciousness. I tended to always watch from the outside but what I could see was pretty much a groupthink mentality, to be seen as strong enough to fit in. What people were told was "cool" was what everyone aspired to do. And that was usually mandated by the *shudders* I hate this expression... the Alpha Male of the group.
It wasn't about what was right or wrong, so much as what was cool. What garnered respect, I guess. I dunno. Where I grew up, a lot of it was what made you look strong or weak. What made you look tough, or not. And this was very black and white. Don't show emotions. Be a hardcase. Treat women like objects. Do that and people would respect you.
For me it was jarring and uncomfortable. Not who I was. So as a result I never fit in with my peer group. But I know that's the "rulebook" that was thrown at guys where I lived.
Seeing it from the outside, I understand why you feel uncomfortable with it. Having not been exposed to that kind of mentality, it seems toxic and strange. That doesn't make you anything less. It means you never had that kind of indoctrination.
I'm sure that girls had something similar that I never had access to. Something I missed out on. But does that make me anyone less? No, it doesn't. It means that as an individual we have to learn to write our own rulebook on how to be, and how we want to live. There's a lot that people are exposed to, growing up, that goes towards shaping how they think. And while that may be, in part, based on the gender they're perceived as, it doesn't dictate what gender they
are, you know? And you shouldn't let that influence the way you feel now. It doesn't make you someone or something else. That comes from inside you.
From what you've said in your post, I feel that it's something you need to explore further. Is there any way you could get in contact with a therapist who specialises in gender issues? If so that would be a good course of action to take. Talk to them about what you've said here and see what comes from it. I really don't like telling people flat out if I think they're trans or not, because I think that's something that can only be decided by the individual. But I do think that it's something you need to look into further. Because it's obviously something that's a big part of your life.
*extra big hug*
