I, don't know what to do and I need help

[Sejha]

I have been dealing with dysphoria for over 10 years now. I've tried coping with it, therapy etc what have you but the feeling of being wrong just, doesn't go away. It never goes away and I wish that it wasn't something i had to deal with.

But what makes it even worse is; because I dont have social dysphoria and don't wish to transition in the rest of my body, as a nonbinary individual who leans slightly male, mainly sitting right in the middle. Being told that i'm not sufficiently trans by some arbitrary organization who's mainly run by cis folks is. Frustrating to say the least.

I'm seeking bottom surgery, I know its what i need, after talking it out for so long and dealing with barely even being able to look at my parts sometimes, but I dont want to, nor need to go on hrt or deal with breasts or other changes because I feel that would just make things worse for me overall.

I dont want to have to lie to myself and erode my own personal identity just because I need to change one part of myself to feel happy. And I want to know what resources there are, what I can pursue to help me out.

Please no snark, this is very serious to me and, I'm kinda really hurt that even if I have letters, confirmation all this other materiel that doctors will literally tell me "nope youre not trans enough to ride this ride" just because the only part of me I wish to change is the part directly tied to my dysphoria.


*Edit
First thing first, I'm from Ontario, closer to the south edge. I think I know a good therapist who may be able to help me out that I know through my husband so hopefully that works out for something. Theres no way to know.

A second thing and, I hope this doesn't come off as wierd. I want to look a certain way after the transition happens. Preferably. And ultimately I was hoping for some way to keep my testicles internally because even though I dont need them for producing sperm, using them for natural testosterone would be really helpful after going through the change.

Even bringing this up with some people in the community seems to get two responses, either a: Youre crazy and that isnt something you should want, or B: even if you want it theres no doctor who would do it.

And I just, don't have the resources to know my options. Which is the main reason I signed up here aha

[Harley Quinn]

It's very possible to find a doctor to help you out. It just takes some searching. The biggest hurdle is needing some sort of hormone post-op. I would suggest finding another therapist that deals with non-binary more regularly for the letters to start you out. Most surgeons don't care, and just wish to cover their butts since it's not really reversible. A well written therapists letter will go a long way to getting approval from the surgical team. All is not lost...

And you're correct. The feelings never really go away... they usually surface with a vengeance. Accompanied with major life problems like debilitating depression, and substance abuse. Its no different for non-binary or trans of any sort. We all have the same basic issue... something is not right and it needs to be fixed.  Keep positive and you'll find the professional to support your decision.

[Natsuki Kuga]

I have been dealing with dysphoria for over 10 years now....It never goes away and I wish that it wasn't something i had to deal with....

I dont want to have to lie to myself and erode my own personal identity just because I need to change one part of myself to feel happy....

Please no snark, this is very serious to me.

Totally non-snark: I'm way impressed you've figured your position out so well. Would that I were anywhere near that clear.

I wish you progress.

[Jessica]

Hi Sejha!  Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica, a transgender woman.  For myself leaning more to the feminine side it was a matter of what point would make me feel the most comfortable if I was to start any type of transition or change for me. Where I live my healthcare allows informed consent,which says you understand your risks and benefits.  I don't what is your situation is.  But I think you should continue with therapy with a gender therapist, who may be of more help.  I hope you can find the answers to your questions here at Susan's
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site.

Please feel free to stop by the introductions forum
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html to tell the members about yourself. 

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[stephaniec]

just need to keep searching for a good therapist

[Sejha]

Thank you everyone

It's very possible to find a doctor to help you out. It just takes some searching. The biggest hurdle is needing some sort of hormone post-op. I would suggest finding another therapist that deals with non-binary more regularly for the letters to start you out. Most surgeons don't care, and just wish to cover their butts since it's not really reversible. A well written therapists letter will go a long way to getting approval from the surgical team. All is not lost...

And you're correct. The feelings never really go away... they usually surface with a vengeance. Accompanied with major life problems like debilitating depression, and substance abuse. Its no different for non-binary or trans of any sort. We all have the same basic issue... something is not right and it needs to be fixed.  Keep positive and you'll find the professional to support your decision.

This... definitely helps maybe I'll aim for a new therapist or something, someone who can help lead me where I need to go.

I'm in Canada right now and trying to find resources that aren't in America is really hard.

I'd make a longer post but I'm really out of it and stressed right now but.

Just thank you so much.

As well @Jessica, it makes a big difference to hear just that, that's out there at all. I know what I need and what I want but, its so hard to find people willing to take me seriously.

So thank you so so much.

[bobbisue]

     Hi Sejha What part of Canada are you from the procedure varies from province to province I am in Saskatchewan and I am going through the hoops required here it can be very frustrating I managed to find a great therapist through a friend many do not advertize that they are gender therapists so it makes contacts very important try your local LGBT+ group or transgender group for information I wish you luck in this

     bobbisue

[Sejha]

Ok so I've calmed down quite a bit and I am gonna also update the OP with this information but.

.

     Hi Sejha What part of Canada are you from the procedure varies from province to province I am in Saskatchewan and I am going through the hoops required here it can be very frustrating I managed to find a great therapist through a friend many do not advertize that they are gender therapists so it makes contacts very important try your local LGBT+ group or transgender group for information I wish you luck in this

     bobbisue

First thing first, I'm from Ontario, closer to the south edge. I think I know a good therapist who may be able to help me out that I know through my husband so hopefully that works out for something. Theres no way to know.

A second thing and, I hope this doesn't come off as wierd. I want to look a certain way after the transition happens. Preferably. And ultimately I was hoping for some way to keep my testicles internally because even though I dont need them for producing sperm, using them for natural testosterone would be really helpful after going through the change.

Even bringing this up with some people in the community seems to get two responses, either a: Youre crazy and that isnt something you should want, or B: even if you want it theres no doctor who would do it.

And I just, don't have the resources to know my options. Which is the main reason I signed up here aha

[bobbisue]

      I don't think what you want is crazy I wish you the best my biggest concern would be finding a surgeon who is able to perform this as it would be very unusual this may take a lot of research but don't give up I am sure there are many here who will be very supportive and possibly someone who may know of a doctor or clinic who can help you

     bobbisue

[esphoria]

Yeah its situations like yours that really makes me believe that WPATH needs to be overhauled. I really do think that it was a great guideline for the time when it was written but we've learned so much more about the topic and it doesn't take into account what we know now. I'm pretty sure it has clauses for exceptions like in your case but most health providers (and insurances) tend to ignore that.

What might be another way to attack this is to goto the insurance company (not sure exactly how it works in Canada) and get them to say you are approved for it.  If a doctor sees this it might hold some more weight (along with therapist letters).

It shouldn't be this hard and I really do hope you find a way to get the care you need and deserve
<3 Jess