1/16/2017I made a comment on a fellow trans girls' post on a social media app I use. It sparked a short conversation followed by her sending me a Private Message where we continued to talk. The following few days we continue to talk and find out how much we both had in common. It gets to the point where we were both making flirtatious comments. We both admitted how happy the other made us feel. In shorter words it looked like we liked each other.
1/22/2017The last message sent on that app. At this point we shared phone numbers so texting still continued for about another week off of it.
1/29/2017Talking about art I ask if she would let me draw her as it's been a long time since I practiced. She agrees and gives me a picture of her to use.
2/06/2017Not until this day do I start the drawing and it is nothing more than the start of the outline of the head. I was very busy with classes starting up again.
Date Unknown (conversation lost)Sometime between these times I send a Rubics Cube gift in the mail (we both had collections of them, we were both weirdos XD) as a congrats for her starting hormones. The package returns untouched. Messaging stopped. She had vanished. Attempting to contact her failed. I entered a saddened state for the next few months, I didn't touch the drawing.
7/21/2017After learning from a friend that my texts were not sending nor was I receiving his, I looked to see nobody was getting my messages. Something was wrong with my texting app. I came to believe perhaps this explains why I lost contact with this girl. I got a new app and new number and sent her a message (as I still knew her number). She responded briefly and I was happy to hear from her again. She vanished again the same day. I returned to my saddened state.
12/24/2017Between the last two entries and this one, I'd meet two other main people to help me cope, along with a few others all of whom I've lost contact with, but that's a side story. On this day I realize it's almost one year ago I met that girl. I remember the drawing and get an idea. I would complete the drawing before January 16th and turn it in in hopes to...well I guess you could say impress her and hopefully regain communication.
1/02/2018I text her phone number to attempt to get in touch with her before the 16th so that I know she will be able to get it on that day. No response.
1/16/2018One year has passed. I failed to finish the drawing in time. I send a message anyways saying thanks for being there for me one year ago. I apologize and mention I have been working on something I promised her a year ago and will send a picture when finished. No response.
2/13/2018I finish the drawing. At this point I believed I was having the issue with the texting app again as I actually did have one classmate who wasn't receiving messages. Perhaps the app wasn't supporting cross platform texting. I got a different app so I could text my classmate still and used that one to send the girl the picture with a short message. I have now completed my promise. No response. At this point I came to believe she doesn't use that same number anymore.
2/17/2018The idea came in my head a few days earlier but today I test it. On the mentioned social media app I never delete Private Messages. I keep them in my inbox always, and idk why. Perhaps a part of me doesn't want to let go, maybe I like to keep records, or maybe I think this the people might come back so I shouldn't delete them (on the app it's like changing your number, if you delete a conversation the other person's messages won't come through to you, you have to start a new one). Whatever the answer is, she was still in my inbox and I went through it and read our past conversations with the hopes that somewhere she told me her last name. She did, and with that information I searched online and found her on Facebook. I sent her a message happily saying hi, asking how she was and stuff, and joking around with stuff like "sorry if this is creepy to know someone online has been been searching for you for over a year" (not a quote). I then sent the picture. I don't use Facebook I just had an account from a high school friend so I didn't know how the messaging system worked. I was told you know the person saw your message when the blue check mark goes away, and it was still there. Also looked like she hasn't posted in a bit so I figured maybe she's not very active so I waited.
Date Unknown (no record)The check mark goes away. No response. I keep waiting.
2/23/2018I get one last idea. I search for her again on Instagram (something I
do use) and find her there too. Not only that, her last post wasn't that long ago from this day. At this point I have been losing most my hope though. I send her the drawing with a Direct Message without saying anything more than "I finished your drawing." It never receives the "seen" indication that Instagram uses. She still posts a few days later though so I know she was there. I come to believe she ignored it and maybe even deleted the Direct Message before opening it.
3/2/2018Not knowing what more to do I ask her in a direct message if we could please talk. That I had things I needed to know, and just wanted to hear from her at least one last time. No response. No "seen" indication.
3/4/2018She makes another post. Needing to know for certain if there isn't just some reason she isn't getting the private messages I make one last comment on the post itself pleading to hear from her just once, begging for her to say something. I needed to know why....
I checked in just a few hours ago to see if that message is still there or if she said anything. Nothing was there at all. No comment from her, no comment from me, no pictures, no access to view anything. If anyone uses Instagram you may also know that this is what happens when you have been blocked by someone.
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So I came to here to write my story down. I don't know why, I do not know what purpose it serves. I knew her for only about two weeks really. And yet I spent the next 15 months missing her so much and trying to find her again. She was so incredibly special. I've
never related to another human so strongly before. I've
never experience my heart feeling physical pain before but in a good way. I was incredibly infatuated with her and I will live with the fear now that because of my infatuation I acted in ways that scared her away because I look back now and I tell myself I was absolutely blinded to my logical sense of being that I always go by. I've said stupid things I would never say.
In this last year my heart grew cold and closed to people. I stopped caring about my own being, I don't eat much, I've been very rude to people because I haven't cared about other people's emotions, and I don't think about my future. I don't even have enough care to deal with my transgender issue. I've completely lost it from someone I knew for only two weeks. But they were the best two weeks of my entire life. And despite what she just did now I'm so grateful for her giving me that time then. She taught me that I'm actually capable of experiencing feelings I strongly believed I couldn't.
But why did she vanish? Why is it that she won't even speak one word to me? I don't really know how to bear this because all I want to know is the reason for what happened. I want to know why we went from being extremely happy talking with each other to the point of being ignored and blocked after spending a year trying to find her again. Idk how to describe that feeling. I spent so much effort trying to find her and when I finally did, I am ignored by the very person who drove me so hard to try to find her. I just want an answer. That's all I wanted when I was messaging her. If she never did "just vanish" and if she would have told me to never message her again, I would have respected her wish, but I just wanted to know what caused that first. I just wanted to know why. But I won't get to.
Goodbye Ava
