If you knew the date of when you will die, would it affect how you live?

[Cindy]

This post talks about death and how to accept it. If you find that triggering read no more.


I am not alone on the Forum in living the life of regular medical appointments that tell you when the cancer has returned.
In my case when it does it will be either in my lungs or brain and untreatable. It weighs on me at times and has done recently, that is why I have been quiet the last few weeks.

It weighs on me as I am a person who has attacked life with vigour.  I have had ambition and found purpose and.... now I'm struggling.

I do not want need or desire sympathy of any sort. In fact that revolts me.
What I am trying to do is find a way to go forward and achieve and accomplish.

I do not fear death.
I fear being useless in life.

At my CT scans yesterday I sat next to a woman as we had our lines put in and she wanted to talk. I wanted to as well but my arms were busy and I cannot speak without my hands to block off my stoma. After a few minutes of mutual frustration we got to it and she told me that she is dying from a brain tumour. She was having scan so that she can decide when to give up and go into end of life care.

She told me that she was alone. No family and no friends.

I told her that I was struggling with life and I was trying to find purpose and that I live in a cycle of 3 month checks. She of course knew my dilemma.

We had a nice talk and then were separated for our scans and I did not see her again. I thought about her. She is as alone as I and maybe I should have said that I would be there at her end time I realised that she would not want that, I saw my reflection in her.
We would choose our time and die as we have lived.

Today I feel very positive and thought of some new projects.

I also went to a book store and I saw the title of this thread on a book jacket.

"If you knew the date of when you will die, would it affect how you live?"

I realised that was how I was living. I am/was expecting tomorrow to be the last day so I'm giving up. It isn't worth the effort, the pain and fight to continue.

Or is it?

My new found friend had not given up. In fact the opposite. She was fighting for everyday. That was her reason to have the scans.
Not to give up but to live.

So, I'll hang my halo on a hook and live another day.

I'm back and I'm positive and I'm happy.

However the question stands for everyone moving forward in life, in their transition, in how they deal with issues.

If you knew the date of when you will die, how would it affect how you live?

In answering maybe you to can move forward.

Cindy

[Sno]

Cindy, tbh, it would be a relief. I've had nearly 50 years of no motivation, purpose or sense of self, quietly stolen by cPTSD (current diagnosis). I close my eyes each day, in the hope that it's the last time, and quite literally stab myself to feel anything.

However. The battle has begun. I am determined to not be one of the over 10% with my diagnosis who decides that this is the end of the road. The pills are working and therapy is doing something, and I'm working on trying to get a handle on my hot mess.

Rowan

[KathyLauren]

This was in my mind when I decided that I had to come out to my wife and start transitioning. 

The first 20 years of my life crept by with agonizing slowness.  The next 20 years went by at a reasonable pace.  The 20 years just finished went by in the blink of an eye.  Now I face my last 20 years, more or less.  I don't know how fast they will go by, but I am determined to make the most of them.

I knew that this was my last chance to be myself.  I don't know the date of my death, but I know it will probably be in the next 20-30 years.  So that is my project: to live as myself.  I have to live my entire life in that much time, because, although <deadname> did a lot of interesting stuff, that was his life.  This is mine.  I have a lot of living to cram into those remaining years.

[Kylo]

Yes and no.

No because I've gone over the scenario of my own death and that of others countless times in my life. I've lost people in life to different things, diseases, allergies, addictions, murder starting when I was aged 10. The phase of being philosophically afraid of death passed around age 13 or 14 and now I'm just left with the idea that it may or may not be unpleasant depending on how it happens, but I don't worry about it beyond that.

Part of the reason for that is that I had a fall from a height and a head injury when I was about 7. I suppose I could have easily died. However my experience of the whole thing was painless, and I didn't know much of anything. If that was near death it was nothing (to me, at least).

Compared to the struggle of life, death isn't a problem for me. It's always been the idea of not being able to live fully that bothered me. I have tried to live in a way that I get as many experiences as possible and achieve as much as I can because I know life's short, I've always assumed death would be "soon". If anything that sentiment has shaped who I am and how I go about things for as long as I remember. So no, I guess it wouldn't affect me significantly, as I've already been living as if that had happened.

But of course it would affect me in some way to know the exact date or time. It would probably just exacerbate the way I am, and force me to enjoy even more experiences, probably the mundane ones even more as well.

My father recently told me he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and he doesn't know how long he has, living chemo to chemo, but he did mention that after fearing he would get cancer his whole life and finally getting it, it takes away some of the suspense and the stress and he just tried to enjoy as much as he can. He says he takes pleasure in even mundane boring activities now. I expect I would feel much the same way.

[barbie]

The cruelest and of course the most useless aspect of modern medicine is that it can not cure the illness, but just can let you know the date of death. It is simply cruel. I would prefer a sudden death without any warning.

The agony and pain that the patient and his/her family should endure until the death is simply too much. I was with my mother for about 2 months in the hospital, talking a lot until her death. It was too cruel. My mother also said it is too cruel. The doctors let me know even the approximate time of her death, as the day approached. My relief was that she did not feel any pain. She passed away just while sleeping.

Two years ago, I once visited my student's father, as I heard that he will not survive for more than 3 months. He was sober and looked very healthy, but the doctors just notified him that he will die soon. He also said it was like death sentence. He was as old as me, and in 3 months, I attended his funeral.

But, one thing I remember for those terminal patients is that they become incredibly wise and insightful on their deathbed. I am still marveled at the insight and foresight that my mom showed at that time. My dad also said that he had not realized that his wife was so much smart until being on her death bed.

barbie~~

[Dani]

I am fully aware that we all will die sometime. It is just a remote concept that I have never experienced before, so I don't dwell on it. For me, "Tomorrow is another day."

[Sephirah]

If you knew the date of when you will die, how would it affect how you live?

I have been in a position where I knew the general timeframe, but not the exact date. At least, at the time I knew. Or thought I knew. Based on what I was told. Did it affect how I lived? Yes. Drastically. In that to begin with I didn't want it. I tried to get out of it. To make it my choice.

It's a horrible, horrible feeling to be given a death sentence. To be told that you have to do everything you want to do before a certain date. But it's not even that. You know that with such things it's actually a lot sooner because towards the end you're not going to be physically capable of doing those things. So you have to make a choice. Do it... or don't. Give up... or don't. And that's the hardest choice anyone ever has to make.

I made the wrong choice. I chose to try to end it. Twice. I got lucky, and that's the only reason I'm still here today. It's the only reason I'm able to tell people that the choice I made isn't the right one. Dumb luck.

But because of that, I no longer have that death sentence hanging over my head. At least not at the moment. Who knows about the future. After the second time I decided to give the alternative a try. And to try and make the most of however much time I have left.

You know what? I'm a happier person for it. Life isn't existence. It isn't waiting to die. In the end, we're all doing that, we just don't know when. But knowing when shouldn't make a difference. I learned that, the hard way. Stuff happened to me... some folks know what, most don't, but it isn't important. What is important is the lessons I learned from it. I learned that life is something we have to make for ourselves, and not wait for it to come to us. Live each day as though it were your last.

To quote The Merovingian, in the second Matrix movie: "Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time?"

Cindy, being useless in life is a matter of perspective. It depends what you consider useful. I believe that life's legacy is the effect you have on other people. What you leave behind. The things you've done, the lives you've touched. The people you've helped on their own path. In the end, who we are comes down to the memories of those we've encountered in our lives. The people we've interacted with. That is our legacy. When we're gone, that's what remains.

And in that, I do not believe you ever have been, or ever will be useless in life. I believe you have a purpose, as do we all. And I think you know what that is. *hugs*