Men married to trans men?

LohmanTelshor · February 23, 2018, 02:03:47 PM

I was wondering if there were any men who married what they thought was a woman, but their spouse transitioned, so now they are married to a trans man. I only know of one on FB.

I am the trans man, and spouse is male. I was wondering if there was any support from males for males.

Charlie Nicki · February 23, 2018, 03:52:18 PM

Have you transitioned already? If so I'm curious to know your story and what your husband considers himself now.

LohmanTelshor · February 23, 2018, 04:42:26 PM

Hi Charlie,
I have put my transition on hold due to financial worries. I did take about 2 year of low dose testosterone. I have a budding mustache, voice lowered a bit, and my face thinned out... but i'm presenting female. Only my family and close friends know the truth. The worry is my husband might loose his job on which we are both dependent.

It took many years to convince my husband that this was real, and important. We are both stubborn mules! But he now knows that it's important. He is addressing me as his partner, not his wife. He cares about what i like in bed.

When i eventually come out, we will be perceived as a gay couple. But we are actually bis.

Dena · February 23, 2018, 07:13:00 PM

They are kind of rare on this site possibly because we have a 1/21 ratio of male/female members. For some reason the FTM population isn't as strongly represented on this site as we would like. The guys who are here visit regularly and the MTFs also step in to help when possible. Some of the guys have posted about remaining with their partner as they transition so a few searches might turn up something useful.

Charlie Nicki · February 24, 2018, 04:57:58 AM

Quote from: LohmanTelshor on February 23, 2018, 04:42:26 PM
Hi Charlie,
I have put my transition on hold due to financial worries. I did take about 2 year of low dose testosterone. I have a budding mustache, voice lowered a bit, and my face thinned out... but i'm presenting female. Only my family and close friends know the truth. The worry is my husband might loose his job on which we are both dependent.

It took many years to convince my husband that this was real, and important. We are both stubborn mules! But he now knows that it's important. He is addressing me as his partner, not his wife. He cares about what i like in bed.

When i eventually come out, we will be perceived as a gay couple. But we are actually bis.

Interesting. It's great that he's supportive and will stay with you.

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arice · February 24, 2018, 03:33:42 PM

I am glad your partner is reasonably supportive. You aren't the only FTM married to a cis guy here but from old posts I know a lot of us aren't in the happiest of relationships so I'm not sure how much help we can be. You aren't the only one though.

I am FTM married for 11 years to a cis male albeit I have my doubts that we will still be married by the time I transition. We have been together 19 years and I never claimed to be anything other than a guy who is female. When we were young, he was okay with that and called me his partner and rarely gendered me at all... after we got married he found Jesus and suddenly I was his "wife" and he was trying to mold me into some traditional housewife (I am a stay home parent)... I have been out to him about transitioning for 2 years but he is still in denial. He is rarely truly supportive and sometimes outright emotionally abusive... but I am not in a position where I can leave him... but my transition is happening albeit slowly. I have a gender psychiatrist and have a referral for top surgery. T and document changes have to wait until I can leave him if he snaps. He has become homophobic (didn't used to be... he knew I saw myself as a gay guy)... so I suspect that as I pass more he will become even less supportive.

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LohmanTelshor · February 24, 2018, 07:35:58 PM

Quote from: arice on February 24, 2018, 03:33:42 PM

after we got married he found Jesus and suddenly I was his "wife" and he was trying to mold me into some traditional housewife (I am a stay home parent)...

T and document changes have to wait until I can leave him if he snaps.

He has become homophobic (didn't used to be... he knew I saw myself as a gay guy)... so I suspect that as I pass more he will become even less supportive.

Yeah, dude, I'm sorry. It does seem likely that he will snap. Try to find a way out.

stephaniec · February 24, 2018, 08:46:39 PM

sorry your having this problem

arice · February 24, 2018, 08:57:42 PM

Quote from: LohmanTelshor on February 24, 2018, 07:35:58 PM
Yeah, dude, I'm sorry. It does seem likely that he will snap. Try to find a way out.

Thanks. I plan to but it will take time... I got into this mess and I know that I have to find a way out of it.

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BT04 · February 25, 2018, 09:28:22 AM

I'm an FTM married to a cis guy, but my husband isn't on this site. Fortunately, he never plans on finding Jesus - and is actually super cool with my blood-sacrificing, moon-frolicking, ancient pagan ways - but unfortunately, he is straight.

arice · February 25, 2018, 09:32:45 AM

Quote from: BT04 on February 25, 2018, 09:28:22 AM
I'm an FTM married to a cis guy, but my husband isn't on this site. Fortunately, he never plans on finding Jesus - and is actually super cool with my blood-sacrificing, moon-frolicking, ancient pagan ways - but unfortunately, he is straight.

My husband used to be pagan and I would define myself as a pagan atheist.

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LohmanTelshor · February 25, 2018, 10:22:42 AM

Quote from: BT04 on February 25, 2018, 09:28:22 AM
I'm an FTM married to a cis guy, but my husband isn't on this site. Fortunately, he never plans on finding Jesus - and is actually super cool with my blood-sacrificing, moon-frolicking, ancient pagan ways - but unfortunately, he is straight.

I've known some cool straight guys. Do you think it'll become a problem with him being straight?
I knew a lesbian who married a cis man once, and still defined herself as a lesbian, so anythings possible.

BT04 · February 25, 2018, 10:54:40 AM

Quote from: LohmanTelshor on February 25, 2018, 10:22:42 AM
I've known some cool straight guys. Do you think it'll become a problem with him being straight?
I knew a lesbian who married a cis man once, and still defined herself as a lesbian, so anythings possible.

Well, we love each other more than anything else in the world, so at the least we'll have a very loving platonic relationship. Right now he's in anxiety/denial mode (which he is working on getting over, as I think he's coming to understand that my transition is inevitable), so he's defensive - he acknowledges that he's defensive, but also acknowledges that he does not know how he will feel once the physical changes start happening, which may be more agreeable than he can anticipate right now. Which is all I can ask for. But it may be that we express physical closeness while we're at home - I don't think he knows how to handle being perceived as anything but straight to others.

OP's situation is very difficult, and I'm really sorry to hear about this gross setback religion is providing him.

Just thought I'd chime in about it because transitioning while being married to men is not something that you hear about a lot, and the survival rate of our relationships seems to be way lower than that of trans women who transition while being married to women.

Stay strong, OP.

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Men married to trans men?