Pain, Guilt, and Significant Others

[AshleyMichelle]

redacted

[DeValInDisguise]

Ashley,

A few months ago the event that triggered me coming out was my wife coming out as a lesbian.  She literally went from loving me "like a lover" to "loving but distant" almost overnight.  Even now as I'm beginning my journey towards transition it's not there, only the possibility that something might rekindle sometime after transition.  All I can tell you is to hang in there. 

Your wife is probably grieving the loss of what she had and she probably feels powerless to affect it.  Let her work through her grief.  Respect her limits - she may not be able to handle hearing anything about your transition for a while.  I know my wife still can't talk to me about that social circle but it's getting better.  We also set up a "topic change" rule; if a conversation gets too much to handle either one of us can call for a topic change to be honored immediately except in case of emergency.

But there is hope if both of you want to work things out.  She just needs time to cope. 

Val

[Cindi Jones]

Ashly,

It did not work out for me in my fundamentalist social environment. However, it might have been a little different had I been able to get rid of the testosterone producers.  I don't regret the path I took.  But I sometimes wonder if that might have made enough of a difference to remain with my family.

I do know that even though we cared for each other very much, I would have eventually needed to separate.  I could not have been able handle the rigorous religious aspects of my life for much longer.

Cindi

[stephb]

Ashley,

I identify closely with what you say. I am in a similar situation. I don't know the answer. We've both struggled with finding a way to deal with my gender problem. We've been married for over 35 years and we're still very much in love. Even though she loves me and will support me, I know she won't stay with me if I transition. I've tried various means of coping, and, so far, I've gotten by ... sometimes it's one day at a time. I tell myself if I can get through another day, I'll feel better. SOmedays I know I've gone over the edge and transition is inevitable only to pull myself back to try another day. Who knows how long this will work.

I know that I would give my life to make her happy. In some ways, I do that every day. I don't know how I can be so happy and so miserable at the same time. I'm very happy with my marriage and family, but miserable with myself being male.

I don't have any answers for you, other than to tell you you are not alone, and some of us are still trying to make sense of our lives.

Good luck,

Steph

[Kate]

if you did it, how did you do it?

One day at a time. I know of no other way. For us, the pain and loss of staying together still hasn't surpassed that of being apart, so... it's one day at a time.

She needs to feel included. To have a sense of control, to have some say in how and when things unfold. She most likely feels she's losing control of *everything* right now. She needs to have SOME sense of security, so she can catch her breath and not just be panicking 24/7 about "what is she going to do next?"

And... you need to bring her up to speed on where you are. You HAVE to be as honest as possible, since she's probably now doubting her entire reality and life. If you hide things, they WILL come back to bite you 100x worse... TRUST ME.

~Kate~

[Jillieann Rose]

I identify closely with what you say. I am in a similar situation. I don't know the answer.  We've both struggled with finding a way to deal with my gender problem. We've been married for over 35 years and we're still very much in love. Even though she loves me and will support me, I know she won't stay with me if I transition. I've tried various means of coping, and, so far, I've gotten by ... sometimes it's one day at a time. I tell myself if I can get through another day, I'll feel better. SOmedays I know I've gone over the edge and transition is inevitable only to pull myself back to try another day. Who knows how long this will work.

I know that I would give my life to make her happy. In some ways, I do that every day. I don't know how I can be so happy and so miserable at the same time. I'm very happy with my marriage and family, but miserable with myself being male.

I don't have any answers for you, other than to tell you you are not alone, and some of us are still trying to make sense of our lives.

Oh my! That is my situation too Steph.  It's like you pluked that post right out of my head except for the part about being married 35 year, it's been 37 years.  I too am couping one day at a time but it's not easy. And I no one of this days I will crack and that will be the end for us. And I don't know if I will be able to take that either.

I'm glad things are going better for you Ashley. I do beleive it is a good idea to slow down and let your spouce get use to the idea. It is all so new to her and a very big shock to say the least.

Jillieann