I'm a F, but would like to be a MtF (what's wrong with me)

[Optera]

Hi everyone,

It's my first post on here and I hope you won't think I'm not serious, because I guess my "problem" is uncommun.

I was born in a female body but here is the thing : I have never felt female (except when I'm heartbroken), nor male (probably "neutral") but always wished I could feel female.
Here is another thing : in the same time I'm not comfortable with my vagina, I miss a penis.
It's been like this forever : when I was little I would carry a little ball in my panty to pretend I have a penis, and I would find any opportunity to show it off to my little friends 
In the meantime, I would also dream of having big boobs and butt in the future...

I was literally obsessed with any fiction/movie depicting transgenders MtF, men dressing as women, like the film "Tootsie" with Dustin Hoffman which I watched EVERY day for months, maybe years. I did not care about the story itself, it really was the transformation of Dustin Hoffman as a woman which fascinated me.

I grew up as an androgynous skinny girl/teen/young woman (short or even shaved hair, baggy pants but skinny tops...), liking androgynous boys. I was also in love with feminity and everything cute (and I have a passion for vintage/old-fashioned !!) but could not feel like it, it was like feminity was not for me, I was feeling disguised when dressed "girly". Plus, I was very tall and skinny which I did not like contrary to people around praising me for this "model body".I hate being that tall (5'10.5) even though it's been years that I work on accepting it and try to convince myself I should be proud of it. But it does not work. I don't find other tall women non-feminine at all, but it makes ME feel less feminine. I should be way smaller !

Overtime, I finally succeed to develop my feminity through dresses etc without feeling too much disguised, especially when I decided to gain weight to get feminine curves, which I succeeded. I am now very chubby on every part of my body like a cupcake  and I love  it but still...I miss a penis instead of my vagina and still can not feel completely feminine inside (but the weight gain helped a lot!) , even though people consider I have a very feminine behavior (soft-spoken,, graceful...)

With the attraction I feel for MtF since forever, I came to figure out and admit that MtF (without the genital surgery) represent what I crave for : intense feminity with a penis.
It is weird, it's literally like I would feel more feminine with a penis !! The dream to me, would have to be born as an Intersex with the feminine features plus a penis.

I know it may sound like I am making a big thing from nothing, I can't believe myself I am so confused/mixed up about this but thinking about it, this is how I have felt since forever. I don't like my height and I have disdain for my vagina that I find pathetic (I am just very grateful for the pleasure I have from it), something is missing down there Dysphoria?

Could you please help me navigate through all these feelings?

Thx a lot

Optera

[Daisy Jane]

Hey there! The only advice I can give is to seek out help from a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria. They may be able to help you sort through your feelings.

[Optera]

Hey there! The only advice I can give is to seek out help from a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria. They may be able to help you sort through your feelings.

Thank you Daisy Jane. I think you are right, only a therapist can help me with this "mess" lol.

[Elis]

Do you feel female? Sounds like you could be on the nb spectrum; which a lot more common than people realise. For me I identify as a demi male; so mostly male but also another gender identity. I feel more comfortable if I look agender or androgynous. If I were to get bottom surgery it'd be metaoidplasty. But I don't hate what I have down there. I'm also very feminine.

I'm grateful we now live in a time where we can mix and match as it were what surgeries or medical interventions we want. There's no right way. Do what makes you feel comfortable atm

[Dani]

Optera,

Recently, some younger folks use the term "gender fluid" or "non-binary" to describe their feelings. It appears to me that both male and female non-binary people tend to present as androgynous.

I am quite a bit older than most everyone here, but I do remember people who described their situation as similar to yours. We just did not know what to call it years ago. We used the terms "tomboy" or " sissy", but those terms really do not describe what is really going on here. It just showed our general ignorance from years ago.

I think you have a real condition and a therapist can help you sort things out. Also, support groups are very good for social interaction and just to not feel so alone.

Take care.

[Optera]

Thanks everyone for your insight and kindness.

I may indeed be non-binary. Not really genderfluid since I don't feel "gender different" on a day or another, but maybe non-binary yes !

I did not know about metoidioplasty but I have checked just a minute and that sounds very interesting !
I will make researches about all these things, thank you again.

[JoniComeLately]

Hi Optera:

Thank you for sharing your story with us. One particular thing you said hit me like a ton of bricks: "intense femininity with a penis." That's me, although I'd gladly trade my penis for a vagina.   

Life is hard in the non binary zone. It's like you never fit in anywhere, anytime. But things are better than they used to be. There's a very good nb support group where I live; if you can find one near where you live give it a try, it's tremendously affirming to meet other people like yourself. Take care, and I hope you'll stick around Susan's Place and let us know how your doing!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jessica]

Hi Optera 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.  Dani mentioned non binary, which is how I identify.  I feel that I'm a blend of male and female and being more female.  I agree with Daisy Jane that a gender therapist would help you sort through your feelings.  You certainly are taken serious at Susan's!
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Optera]

You are all so sweet, warm and helpful in just a few messages, it is very pleasant !

One particular thing you said hit me like a ton of bricks: "intense femininity with a penis." That's me, although I'd gladly trade my penis for a vagina. 

Yes, normally when you want to have a woman's body you are supposed to want a vagina so I understand your feeling. I can't explain myself why to me the penis goes also with the woman's body  .

I have watched a french documentary yesterday on internet about transidentity and a non-operated trans woman said something that totally hit me like a ton of bricks too ^^ : "I just have a woman's dick". This is exactly what I miss haha.

Thx Jessica for your help and I will stop by the Introduction forum 

[Lyric]

Optera, the only thing wrong with you is, basically, the same thing that's wrong with the thousands of other folks here on Susan's. You are confronting your own uniqueness. Personally, I think that's more like something that's right with you. You, like me and most of the people here, are in the process of custom tailoring a life that best suits who we are. I can't tell you exactly how you need do that, but if you persue it as the adventure it is, you'll work something out.

I hope you check in now and then. You're a person I'd love to know.

[Jailyn]

Agreed with some of the other posts talk to a therapist. It sounds like to me that you are describing being nonbinary or genderfluid, if I am going to put a label to it. This is totally your choice what you decide though and how you fit. The transgender term is a very broad encompassing umbrella so there is a few differences of us out there. There is no straight forward trans person, we are all different. So get some help and do research to see where you feel comfortable.

[Sno]

Hon, there's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you, whatsoever.
Do you hear me.

NOTHING!

A therapist will help,you explore and understand yourself a whole heap better, but don't for a moment think that you're alone, or the odd one out for feeling like this, it's how you feel about yourself, and we do understand. From your description on first blush, it does sound as though it could be categorised as non-binary, but I'm hoping MeToni and a few of the other FTMs will chime in with their experiences too, but most of all, you are welcome. Welcome to ask questions, encouraged to join in, supported in your journey and be true to you.

(Hugs) Rowan

[Optera]

Thx and tons of hugs to you all 

[widdershins]

This may not apply to you at all, but since you didn't get into your background I thought I'd throw it out there.

Evangelical Christian women who experience attraction to women have it drilled into their heads that "You're not really attracted to women! That's not natural! You're just confused about what sexual attraction feels like. What you really want is to look like the woman you think you're attracted to."

As an AFAB transmascuilne person who's attracted to people with feminine presentation, this in turn confused me, because the truth was the polar opposite for me. I spent a long time questioning whether maybe deep down I actually wanted to be feminine despite feeling awkward and/or disgusted with myself every time I wore feminine clothing. It took a long time, and converting to a different religion, to iron out the fact that, no, I am attracted to femininity, and I am not comfortable presenting as feminine myself, and that is okay.

Again, this only really applies to people with an Evangelical background, but I figured I'd throw my experience out there if only as a concern you could rule out.