Do you pass or not?

[Linde]

Thanks, growing old disgracefully! You look great in your profile pic

Thanks, after a friendly computer took some of the wrinkles away, I was willing to post it!

[krone6]

What are signs we pass instead of people being respectful and knowing you are trans and going with the assumed pronoun?

[NatalieRene]

What are signs we pass instead of people being respectful and knowing you are trans and going with the assumed pronoun?

One sign is having to call the cable company that you have been too lazy to go through the hassle of changing your name with. Then identifying as the dead name and half way through the conversation getting mammed on the phone.

[steph2.0]

What are signs we pass instead of people being respectful and knowing you are trans and going with the assumed pronoun?

That's an interesting question that I've wondered about myself. I think the answer may be the level of awkwardness of whoever's addressing you. And I mean that in each extreme - at one end they may be a little embarrassed, use the right pronoun out of respect, but look away. The other end might be too demonstrative, with big "way-to-go" smiles.

I think the perfect pass is the correct pronouns but no special reaction. Just another lady (or dude if FtM)...

Another indication on how well someone is passing involves how many people they have contact with on any given day. Not everyone will be respectful, so if someone isn't passing that well, sooner or later they'll run across a person who will have a negative reaction. If nobody at all says anything bad (or looks askance, etc.), it's a good bet they're doing very well.

Just my random thoughts based on recent experience.

Stephanie

[Anne Blake]

What are signs we pass instead of people being respectful and knowing you are trans and going with the assumed pronoun?

Does it really matter as long as the person you are interacting with treats you with positive respect and acceptance?

[Rachel_Christina]

Does it really matter as long as the person you are interacting with treats you with positive respect and acceptance?

It's a good question actually!

It shouldn't is the short answer.

But it does, is the truthful answer.

For those who don't know about me their reactions and interactions with me are totally different than those who do know or have for some reason clocked me or someone else has told em, I find this happens quite often.
I think people think they are sharper if they already know and can tell others.
Or I have a friend or two out me thinking they are gauging the crowd for me on my behalf. Sucks!

[ChrissyRyan]

I do not really pass because of my voice for sure.

What is really strange is when I am out as male, I am getting more strange looks as of late.
I do not stop and ask them about this, but I wonder if they think I am a "pretty boy" or a metrosexual or something like that.  This is when I am not out with makeup, a purse, or female clothes, this is when I am out presenting as male. 

Perhaps it is my hair that is causing the issue.  I had my first female hairstyle done a couple of months ago.  But, I think I can make it look like a man's cut by brushing it, at least in the front.  As it grows out more, it will be increasingly harder to do that though, unless I keep it trimmed to where it is at now.

Chrissy

[Anne Blake]

The outing me or telling others of me is not a good thing for me, even if they are intending good. What I was referring to is interacting with others, some that know me from before and some that have never met me, and my not being able to tell the difference in responses......just open love and acceptance. And happily, that is the way most of my life is at this point.

Tia Anne

[Michelle_P]

The outing me or telling others of me is not a good thing for me, even if they are intending good.

Oof!  Yeah.

When I do my Trans/Queer 101 talks I start off introducing myself, including that I am a transgender person.  I then explain a few things.

"I'm an older woman, attracted to persons with a femme presentation, and I got this way through my history of being a transgender person.  My telling you these things is called 'disclosure', and my disclosing that I am a transgender person to you indicates that I have some trust in you to keep this personal information private, and not use it in ways that might harm me."  I then explain the harm that can come to someone when others in positions of relative power, landlords, employers, and so on, learn that someone is trans.

I've found that I currently pass well with most folks, and many folks I interact socially with are just fine with me until they learn that I am trans.. That's generally when the misgendering, exclusion, and such begins.

*SIGH*  And this behavior is what makes me want to disappear into the woodwork.  At the same time, i realize that the old tradition of woodworking would really just be allowing me to expand my circle of friends to include these trans-exclusionary jerks.  That is a high price to pay to add some jerks as friends, and perhaps I am better off with no secrets and fewer, but true friends.

Pardon my brain droppings.  It's just a quiet afternoon and I have time to think for once.

[ChrissyRyan]

Michelle,

You bring up an excellent conjecture:  "...perhaps I am better off with no secrets and fewer, but true friends."

So, you or we can have the situation where we generally pass and are accepted until someone outs us, then most of these same people we socially interact with are misgendering us and the relationships go south.

Or we can preempt all of this outing by just being upfront and tell everyone we are trans-women. Exactly when to out yourself seems problematic, it could be awkward.  That does not seem the way to go.

It seems to me that if one passes well and is accepted as a woman, just blend in.  Tell people at a trans related seminar or workshop that you are trans, or by them attending, they may already know that.  Tell your physician, someone you have an intimate friendship with, tell family, people that knew you from your deadname years that you want for them to know, but for everyone else, do not mention it!  Maybe tell them if they ask you about it.  If they learn of our trans-woman status in any way and are not accepting, so be it!

So perhaps you, or most of us, would be better off with fewer, but true friends.
After all, how many of us have lots and lots of real, true friends any way?

Good thoughts Michelle.  I really enjoy your posts.

Chrissy

[Linde]

I do not tend to carry my being trans like a banner around with me.  My "real" friends know, and are very supportive ab out it.  But others have no need to know.  I am presently still quite often misgendered, because of the way my voice is used by me, and, I think, because of my rather short hair that is not cut in a typical feminine cut.  I hope that by this time next month, it is long enough to get a female hair do.
But to be honest, I really don't care if strangers mis-gender me or not, it is not my problem, because I know who I am.  If somebody makes inappropriate remarks, I tackle this person (verbally) right down, and make the person feel like an idiot.  If they leave me alone, I leave them alone!
Over the years I have learned to very carefully select my friends.  Early on, when I came to the US, I was called all kind of NAZI names.  That did hurt way more than having to deal with homophobic people, because my mother had to suffer a lot under the NAZI's.  It could be that this hardened my personality enough that misgendering will not bother me much?

[Margarine]

I pass most days, then others I can not get my voice cracks and drops a bit just enough... That is not often but it happens. The most crap I have gotten is on medical visits, starts off fine, then they read chart notes <Male to Female> and then the he's and him start. I work as a residential real estate appraiser and have only been called he a few times in the past year, the prior year it was constant. Two years on HRT has helped a lot. I look a bit younger than my chronological age... The image I use for a profile is about a month old.


On a side note since having BA getting a lot more looks from men and they have been much friendlier. I don't like not being able to wear a bra for 3 months, I stand 5'11" I run 42 E currently, 34 inch waist and 43 inch hips. The weight keeps dropping off so hoping for a 30" waist by spring. Voice modification with Dr. Thomas in Portland early March, fighting with insurance for it now, I have worked myself to death to save for it though. I hope in the end just to blend in for the most part, but that changes daily as political ambitions rear their ugly little head

[KatieP]

Does it really matter as long as the person you are interacting with treats you with positive respect and acceptance?

Does it really matter?

So, I just got back from working 15 days in Buenos Aires, and in those 15 days I was not misgendered one single time by ANY Argentinian. Not waiters, not hotel staff, not taxis, and not customers. Madam/she/her 100% of the time. Even in the bathrooms, other women were chatty and pleasant. The entire population was absolutely spectacular regarding my gender and treating me exactly like any other woman there.

I didn't think I passed that well, and so THAT is what made me wonder if I was actually passing or if the entire Argentine nation is positive and respectful to transgender people.

Actually, I still don't know which option explains my experience. But I am very much looking forward to going back in January, and knowing that I will have fewer issues there than I would if I traveled to Texas...

Kate

[Wirral girl]

I often wonder - did they read me ? I wish I could look into the minds of people I've interacted with, especially if we've exchanged more than a couple of words. But as long as shop staff and taxi drivers keep calling me 'love', I'm happy. Italian waiter even called me 'senora' the other day !

[krone6]

Does it really matter as long as the person you are interacting with treats you with positive respect and acceptance?

No, because I hate being trans so I'd rather be seen as a woman who happens to be trans than a trans woman

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[NatalieRene]

No, because I hate being trans so I'd rather be seen as a woman who happens to be trans than a trans woman

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I understand. I have been very private about it too even if genetically I have aberrations. I consider it a birth defect that was fixed as much as possible. I don't even bring it up with people that do not need to know.

[ChrissyRyan]

I understand. I have been very private about it too even if genetically I have aberrations. I consider it a birth defect that was fixed as much as possible. I don't even bring it up with people that do not need to know.

That makes perfect sense Natalie.

Chrissy

[Beverly Anne]

It's a good question actually!

It shouldn't is the short answer.

But it does, is the truthful answer.

For those who don't know about me their reactions and interactions with me are totally different than those who do know or have for some reason clocked me or someone else has told em, I find this happens quite often.
I think people think they are sharper if they already know and can tell others.
Or I have a friend or two out me thinking they are gauging the crowd for me on my behalf. Sucks!

I'm with you, girl. I much prefer my stealth life as a woman with my new friends since transition, than my life as a trans woman with people who knew me before transition. Having an old friend out me to a new friend is an awful experience. And, have any of you ever experienced that person you thought was a true friend, only to realize you were their token trans friend to make them feel cool? I have. That's a kick in the head. I'm treated much better as a woman than a trans woman, that's for sure, but that might just be me.

[Linde]

I'm with you, girl. I much prefer my stealth life as a woman with my new friends since transition, than my life as a trans woman with people who knew me before transition. Having an old friend out me to a new friend is an awful experience. And, have any of you ever experienced that person you thought was a true friend, only to realize you were their token trans friend to make them feel cool? I have. That's a kick in the head. I'm treated much better as a woman than a trans woman, that's for sure, but that might just be me.

I don't tell anybody either, it is nobodies business but mine!  However, my 3 best cis female friends are almost like the 3 musketeers for me.  They get almost furious if anybody doubts me being a woman.  Sometimes I have the feeling that they want m to experience concerning "growing" up to become a woman, what they feel they missed out on for whatever reason!

[NatalieRene]

I'm with you, girl. I much prefer my stealth life as a woman with my new friends since transition, than my life as a trans woman with people who knew me before transition. Having an old friend out me to a new friend is an awful experience. And, have any of you ever experienced that person you thought was a true friend, only to realize you were their token trans friend to make them feel cool? I have. That's a kick in the head. I'm treated much better as a woman than a trans woman, that's for sure, but that might just be me.

Oh yeah the token trans friend and getting outted is the worst.

It still ticks me off that my sister and my mom outted me to my sisters in laws. Why did they need to know? This is the same sister that had my little sister in the bridal party but excluded me. Next year for Christmas I am looking forward to looking better then her for the dinner party and church.