Quote from: pheonix on March 02, 2018, 08:16:52 PM
Hey..how r u guys ? I hope everybody is good !
Well..it seems my life is only getting harder...i feel alone at this and u guys r the only people can understand me..i have so many questions and i need ur help..i want to know if all thas is normal or something is wrong with me..
Ok lets start..
How was ur relations with people before starting T ?
I m on T from 3 months and for some reasons i keep stoping T and back but i dont pass..so i find it really hard to comunicate with people ...its actually impossible for me to do it and it was always like that from the day i found out im trans means since i was 4 years old kid..i never had a friend from that age cause i always felt different and it keep being like that till now...the thing is all trans guys that i know either on real life or the net dont have this problem..i feel its impossible for me to get in touch with people without fully transitioning..i dont feel any confident at all ...but i know some pre t guys who completelly confident and have many friends...they keep telling me im wierd and weak and that i need to be confident..i dont know how to do that and my face look super girly ...i think its super stupid telling people to treat u as a man while u look and sound like a girl and im not even sure if i will be able to back to T (cause as i told u before no lgbt rights here)
I feel like im gonna lose my mind ...i keep comparing my self to other trans guys and i lately started to feel like maybe what they said is true and there is something wrong with me..im living hell latelly i know im not weak but i cant lie to myself too...i cant feel confident i cant walk outside my house looking at people eyes telling them this is me...
Cause its not me...if u want to be in touch with people u have to tell them ur name and ur gender and once u do it they will treat u as a female ...im stuck in my room away frol the world cause if u want to be a part of it you will need to wear a mask...what should i do ? Go out telling people that name they gave me at birth and letting them treating me like someone im not so i will not look weak..or just telling them nothing about the trans thing and alsi lieying that its only my style in clothes is manly....guys anybody of u have the same problem or something id wrong with me ?? Idk what to do...how i can be si confident and a part with the society without telling lies...? Help me...
First and foremost, stop comparing yourself with other transguys. You are you, and that's all you can be. Be yourself, after all, that's all you can be.
Honestly, I've always been an extrovert, both before and after T, so that aspect of my personality hasn't really changed too much. My transman boyfriend says "you seem to be more sure of yourself now than before." I'm not exactly sure what that means, I've always seen myself as sure of myself. Maybe I have more self-confidence than before T. Idunno.
About passing, sure it would be wonderful if EVERY transman passes,but the fact is that some CIS men don't even pass as cis men, whether its their voice, their facial structure, or their height. All they (and you) can do is correct someone when they misgenders you, and keep going.
I'd also advise you to not stop T if its prescription. That is more than likely why its taking you so long to develop male features. Testosterone builds up in your body, and if you're still ovulating, each time you stop, you're giving the estrogen time to once again take over. Then, when you start back up on T, it once again has to override the estrogen in your body. That takes time. So if you have a prescription for your T, I'd advise you to keep taking it, no matter what.
If you can do it safely, dress like the men around you. Thrift/second hand stores are a great place to find mens clothes.
Also, go to the mall, coffe shop or other place where you can safely people-watch. Watch the men that come around you. Do they move their hands a lot when they talk? Stil their hands in their pockets? Adjust their hats a certain way? Learn the movements of the men you see and imitate them. Eventually these gestures will become second nature. The more like the men around you look and act, the better chance you have of being seen as male, even if your face and voice have yet to change. When I was pre-T, I'd simply say "I'm a guy, I just have a high voice/baby face." People usually would apologize to me when I'd say that.
Have you chosen a male name yet? If so, maybe you could go get your name legally changed to fit your gender. That way, if someone needs to know what your name is, you can simply say, "I'm --------." Hopefully that'll help get the point across that you're a man. I don't know exactly why you need to tell them your gender. Why not simply say, I'm a guy/man/dude/etc when asked? Otherwise, its not really their business. I'd not tell anyone that doesn't know me that I am a transman, if I was you. Hopefully, they won't strip you or ask you to otherwise prove that you're male.
Trust me, you're pretty brave! To be a transman where you are sounds very difficult, yet you're doing what you can to become your authentic self! Those that say you're weak really don't know what you're going through, after all, have they transitioned like you're trying to do? It takes TRUE GUTS to not only admit to yourself that you're trans, but to change into your authentic self, especially in what you're describing as a "repressive society" that you are currently living in. Good for you!
If it means anything, I'm rooting for you!
Good luck brother!
Ryuichi
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