All over the place - a bit messed up

[VickyS]

Hi all,

Just thought I'd share this with you as I'm getting totally confused.

I'm pre-everything and still presenting as male.  My GP has put on record that I have Gender Dysphoria and hopefully I will be referred soon.  In the mean time, I have been doing the usual feminising that can mostly be hidden under male clothes and this has helped.  Sometimes I'll get upset and cry a bit over not being female but I can hold it together mostly.  I started therapy last week and I'm happy that side of things is progressing.  I have also made an initial appointment for a consultation for electrolysis (beard area removal) with a trans friendly place that is happy to treat me.  So, everything is progressing ok.

This morning when I woke up I did not feel any gender at all and wondered if the trans thing is real at all?  I mean I was comfortable putting on my female underwear, socks, etc and I'm happy with my removal of my body hair and me growing my head hair.  So, with these thoughts in mind I got in my car and made my way to work.

On the way after about 30 mins, I was listening to a song and suddenly the image of me being pregnant popped into my head (totally unrelated to the song) and I burst into tears at the thought that I'd never be pregnant even though at that moment I wanted it so much.  I feel really shook up and messed up at the moment.

Is this 'normal'? Well, I know it's not normal in the grand scheme of things, but is it part of where I am in my journey to have such opposing feelings in such a short space of time?

Also, I have noticed that my feminising attempts have now become 'normal' and I feel I need more, but I can't do much more without totally outing myself publicly which I'm not quite ready for yet.

[AnnMarie2017]

Hi all,

Just thought I'd share this with you as I'm getting totally confused.

I'm pre-everything and still presenting as male.  My GP has put on record that I have Gender Dysphoria and hopefully I will be referred soon.  In the mean time, I have been doing the usual feminising that can mostly be hidden under male clothes and this has helped.  Sometimes I'll get upset and cry a bit over not being female but I can hold it together mostly.  I started therapy last week and I'm happy that side of things is progressing.  I have also made an initial appointment for a consultation for electrolysis (beard area removal) with a trans friendly place that is happy to treat me.  So, everything is progressing ok.

This morning when I woke up I did not feel any gender at all and wondered if the trans thing is real at all?  I mean I was comfortable putting on my female underwear, socks, etc and I'm happy with my removal of my body hair and me growing my head hair.  So, with these thoughts in mind I got in my car and made my way to work.

On the way after about 30 mins, I was listening to a song and suddenly the image of me being pregnant popped into my head (totally unrelated to the song) and I burst into tears at the thought that I'd never be pregnant even though at that moment I wanted it so much.  I feel really shook up and messed up at the moment.

Is this 'normal'? Well, I know it's not normal in the grand scheme of things, but is it part of where I am in my journey to have such opposing feelings in such a short space of time?

I haven't been where you are (my relationship with GD is a little weird), but I've heard similar feelings expressed by others. Also, bear in mind that your socialization and self-identification are terribly complex, and unraveling them will be a longish process with many twist and turns. You won't always understand your feelings; but that's not important. You know where you want to go, where your heart has led you so far. Ride out the storms and sail into port.

Also, I have noticed that my feminising attempts have now become 'normal' and I feel I need more, but I can't do much more without totally outing myself publicly which I'm not quite ready for yet.

This, I can related to. You aren't going to be able to hide forever, and chances are there will be problems. But that's life. Once you're out, some people will scorn you, some will support you -- surprise allies are out there, and always nice -- and a whole lot of people won't think about you twice.

Welcome to the roller coaster.

[KathyLauren]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.  These reactions sound perfectly normal to me.

You are taking steps to move forward in your transition and your dysphoria goes down.  That is totally normal.  So is wondering if you really are trans when the dysphoria goes down.  (Answer: yes, we all go through this.)

I suspect that the thought about being pregnant was your feminine side saying, hey don't forget about me.  And yes, being a woman, that would be a painful thought, that you can't get pregnant.

The ups and downs make for a rough ride.  They are one of the reasons why, once prople start to transition, the pace of transition often speeds up beyond what was initially planned.  Just ride them out, and talk to your therapist about them.

[VickyS]

AnnMarie,

Thank you.  I guess i'm going to have episodes like this from time to time.  It just caught me off guard a bit as I had thought about how I would feel if I were pregnant before and it was a pleasant thought but I had never been upset to the point of crying before!  I kinda tricked myself into calming down as I imagined I was the first transwoman to undergo pioneering surgery and actually become pregnant!  Total unrealistic fantasy but it helped calm me down a bit.

Based on the glacier-like movement of the UK's NHS system, my plan is to do as much as I can (electrolysis, grow hair, etc) before taking hormones and basically present androgynous until I can get prescribed hormones, then it will be the hormones that determine when I present female full time as when things start 'budding' it will feel really awkward to try to present as male.  That's the plan anyway. ASSUMING that I can hold it together until then! 

As you say, ride out the storm and sail into port (watching for any rocks!).

KathyLauren,

Wise words as usual!  I'm so glad you said it's totally normal and we all go through this!  I HATE the doubt monster.  Just when you have it under control (as you think), it jumps up and bites you on the bum!

I will definitely talk to my therapist about this.  I have an appointment after work on Friday so I'll see what she has to say about it.

Thank you once again for your wisdom.