Hey Everyone, this is my first post on this site and i'll try to tell you who i am, and what my story is. i'm still struggling about the decision i'll be making.
Who am i ?
I am a 23 years old man, i'm mostly masculine and kinda muscular (to give you an idea: 250 at the bench press). i'm from a little town where there is only 5000 people. I work as an electronic tech but willing to go back at the university next semester. i live with my girlfriend of 4 years, we are pretty much everything for each other, i couldn't think of what my life could be without her. People could describe me as a kind-hearted person, always there for my friends, we could also say people can approach me very easily, i'm a charismatic person.
i've pretty much had a baby face until i was able to grow a beard, approximately at the age of 21 (i now look super manly, people often tell me i look 30, but if i shave i'd still look like a 15year old
Who was i ?
When i was little, i didn't have alot of friends, i'd say only 2 friends. I was a chubby little boy. i started gaming when i grew up to puberty , like intense gaming (i could not see the sun for the entire weekend, and it happened alot). I never really liked how i looked aswell and wasn't looking too much in a mirror. I continued on that pattern till the age of 16, when i started to go out at the bar (yeah we could go out to get a drink at 16), and hitting the gym (a little beard helped me surpass that look that i couldn't bear to see). My compulsive gaming stopped back then, the gym was all i could think of (going approximately 6 days a week, and also 3 days where i'd go Boxing (even though i never entered the ring, only in the bag)).
i finally started getting popular, being invited to multiple parties, having alot of people recognize me and come talk to me (mostly around my age). Some people did envy me because of that (there were 4 group of people, and each of them knew me and invited me).
Almost everyone though i was lazy at could because i slept in class, but i always got good scores (till my 17 where all my marks gone down).
I left my town to study, i'm now in an 800 000 citizens city and i've studied for 4 years straight, i've been working since 1 year now. i stopped going to the gym approximately 8 month ago (but i think this is mostly due to the long working hours).
Drugs and Alcohol
It all started with alcohol when i was 16, i started going out all the time i could (only week ends) till i got out every friday and saturday at 17, but i think this is mostly a tradition where i come from, nothing else to do. i would have been wasted every time. i've stopped alcohol at 19 when i left to study, but i won't mind getting wasted a few times a year.
However i started weed at the age of 16 aswell, but got in a real problem at the age of 19. Back then i couldn't afford it, but at 19 it was even more easy since i was in a big town. Probably got used to smoking 1/2g a day. I'm still smoking and got my up and down, but i'm around 0.5g a day now and only in the evening.
Sex life
I had my first experience at the age of 19, and only have 2 experience previous my girlfriend. I think i do have an amazing sex relation with her, always pleasuring and satisfaying (not alot, but still).
I Always was interested in the sexe from behing and pissed my girlfriend about it because she wasn't going to do it. I had a pass to sleep with one of my girl friend (which in fact, wasn't that great), she doesn't care about what happened.
Anxiety, stress and emotions
I don't think i ever felt Anxiety and stress, it was mostly "Yeah, <not allowed>, whatever", i couldn't care less of what happened, i didn't care if i got a 0 at school, even though i knew it would scrap my future. i remember looking at the ceiling for an half an hour everytime i had an exam which lasted 1h30, thinking about nothing, it was just blank
However i remember i had several breakdown during my entire childhood to adulthood, a few time a year (before 16, i would lay down my bed and cry for a few days saying no one loves me, <not allowed> everything, and though about suicides alot of times but never got in action because i didn't want to give up.)
Worst came at 16, smoking weed (every evening), started to feel 0 emotions, couldn't care less about everything, didn't feel bad but didn't feel great either. At 19, even though i was out of this town for studying, i could miss alot of classes (lets say i'd go to 1 of my 5 classes each week) (idk how i managed to pass, really (people say i'm bright)). My friend was at my appartment every day, evening and slept 6/7 in my couch, because i couldn't bear the thought of staying alone (him neither). I still have a few breakdown a year, for about a day or a week, where i feel just depressed about everything for no particular reason (i had a blood test and everything is good concerning my health).
I Always was scared and nervous around girl, i don't know why but i couldn't talk to one without looking like an idiot, i just though of them they were some kind of "upper class" since they were girl. I was really shy person until i hit the gym at the age of 16, never opened myself and no one had a clue about me.
I Often have the sensation of being a third person looking over my body doing its doing, it isn't that rare that after a day at work i look at myself and think of what i've been doing all day long without realising it.
Sexuality and dysphoria
I've first experienced Dysphoria when i was very young, i remember going to bed (around the age of 5) and cry everynight because my body was wrong and wished i could wake up a girl, like a miracle, this occured till 10 where Puberty first stroke. I always was shy with my body aswell, when we would be at the swimming pool, i'd go to the locker room to remove my t-shirt and change myself, when getting dressed aswell. At the beach i would remove my t shirt only if i knew i would enter the water in the next 10secs, and i would put it on immediatly after going out, without drying myself.
I was not really pleased with my genitals, first reason is that i had some white perls all around the crown, which made me disgusted by it. i got them removed by the age 18 (where i finally had the chance to sleep with someone: 19).
I had a few private time where i'd imagine myself a woman, basic crossdressing (underwear only) and some pleasure in the shower. (i basically started crossdressing before puberty and experienced myself as a woman during sexual activity (alone though) as soon as i was 13).
i had a compulsive sexual behavior, and still do, if i'm alone all day, don't be afraid to see atleast 4/5 paper in the garbage.
I was always attracted by woman and still am, but i would mostly refer me as a bi sexual. even though i don't plan on kissing another man, i'd like to experiance a sexual intercourse with one (almost happened 2 time, and i would have been the "woman", and enjoyed the though of it because i have a lot of personal experience)
Revelation
My revelation came to me just a few weeks ago, when this "app" on facebook that shows you what you'll look as the opposite gender. I almost had a stroke when i saw myself as a girl, i then got in a depression that i'm still fighting (approximately 4weeks)
I've had the time to think of everything, i've made so much research about transition, mtf, hrt, ffs, i'm basically a pro now.
i've been seeing a psych, that was my first move, 3 weeks ago and told my girlfriend about it the evening (that was my psych's advice). She was first broken down, not because of her, but because of what i've been suffering all my life, that it shouldn't have been easy. She then got in this denial phase, confused, well let's say she got by every states of emotions a human can have. she finally came to the conclusion that she loves me no matter what, she'll always be there for me but is scared of what could happen, if she'll be attracted to me after changes (if i ever transtion).
What i'm struggling now is that i'm now really pleased with myself as a man, if i had this revelation before 18, i'd probably have transitioned. but now i've gained some manliness, a girlfriend i love and whose i've pictured in my future with our kids for a few years now, this feeling of me as a woman kept haunting me for a month now (before it was just for a night or so, it was more of a sexual fantasy, now it has become a reality). It was the first time i told someone about it, no one would ever have imagined before that.
Reason i may transition:
Always had the feeling of having female genitals (had sensation at the very bottom of the penis like i had a vagina)
always dreamed of being a girl
i'm more in a jealous and envy way when i see a beautifull girl than an horny way
can easily picture myself a a woman in the next 10/15 years
measurments are not bad: 36-35-37 (no fat on the hips, but alot of muscle in the chest and abs)
i'd really like to feel pretty, i always had a thing for the heels, and since not long ago, i understood i'd love to wear them, even though i never fully crossdressed and don't plan on doing it) i'd really be feminine, compared to my actual manliness
i've always fantasize in having boobs aswell
reason i may not transition:
i love myself since not a long time ago
for my soon to be wife, for our family, for my role as a father which i pictured myself the whole time (still no kids though)
fear of losing my whole family (male cousin got out of the closet as gay and got rejected by 80% of it)
scared of being a man trying to look like a girl even with ffs (however i'm not that big, 5"11 (same as girlfriend), approximately same hand and feet size as her if we remove the muscle (lots of muscle, i've already told you!))
i learned to love my penis and my body (since now i can bounce my pecs)
i don't picture myself at all as an old lady, i'd see myself a a masculine grumpy old man at first look but so full of love at second view.
My psych also adviced me to try HRT since he diagnotised a medium dysphoria, that with it it may make my view clearer of where i'd like to go. I'm still scared of it, do i really want to know ? I'm pretty sure i wouldn't mind being a woman or a man in the future, i could be happy with both scenarios, i do think i have two personalities (not in a mental way), but i'm still not sure about me being a man, what is i would really be happy as a woman and i just live a nightmare since i was born.
So this is my story, hope you liked it. i'm sorry if it's a little confused, i may edit it by the time, i wasn't that really good in writing back then (and since english is not my first language, i'm a little lost sometimes.)
You may comment, give your opinion, advice me, or just tell me your own story!
Thanks.
