Non-binary doubts

[Jamie_06]

I'm finding lately that a lot of my problems I've been having lately are a result of failure to really accept myself as nonbinary or genderfluid.

So I'm comfortable being male, but I have long wished I could be female as well. However, upon presenting myself as female I don't feel any different and I have traditionally identified and still identify very strongly with male role models, and continue to perceive myself as male by default, even though I want to be female during those times.

I keep worrying that I am really just a male crossdresser instead of actually being nonbinary, because if I am, my desire to be seen and accepted as female is invalid and i'm lying to everyone around me. Any ideas on how to get past this?

[Dena]

Cross dressing is a part of the non binary as well as being transgender. Your getting caught up in the word game when really all that's important is determining what you feel and expressing it. Even if you are a cross dresser, there is nothing wrong with identifying as female and being accepted as one. On the other hand, give it time and don't rush it. As we go through self discovery, our feelings can change and what you feel now may not be what you feel in the future.

[Jessica]

I myself identify as gender fluid and NB (non binary).  Not setting yourself to one or the other or moving to either direction in a "fluid" manner is how I see it.  NB gives you any point on the sliding scale, balanced between the two extremes of mannerisms.  Gender fluid gives you leeway to be who ever you are at the moment.  Your genitalia are irrelevant with any of this, unless your caught up in the way society wants you.   My theory is all humans are gender fluid or NB.

[Devlyn]

I'm finding lately that a lot of my problems I've been having lately are a result of failure to really accept myself as nonbinary or genderfluid.

So I'm comfortable being male, but I have long wished I could be female as well. However, upon presenting myself as female I don't feel any different and I have traditionally identified and still identify very strongly with male role models, and continue to perceive myself as male by default, even though I want to be female during those times.

I keep worrying that I am really just a male crossdresser instead of actually being nonbinary, because if I am, my desire to be seen and accepted as female is invalid and i'm lying to everyone around me. Any ideas on how to get past this?

Your desire to be seen and accepted as female is your truth, and it is valid.

I agree with Dena about the word game. I've told people I'm a genderfluidish boygirl thing. It isn't important that they understand who or what I am. It's important that they understand that I know who and what I am. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jamie_06]

I only wish I was as confident and secure in myself as you are.

I feel like when I look at myself, I don't see anything but a man. As much as I may wish to be able to be female at will, it's still nothing but dressing up and playing pretend. I don't see myself internally as a girl and my default thoughts of myself are as male. When I watch movies and play video games, my instinctive reaction is to identify myself with the male characters. I feel like I'm simply a man who has an unexplained desire to see myself and be seen by others as female sometimes. Which would just make me a crossdresser and not truly female when I present that way. Female on the outside but still male at the core and lying about my identity to everyone I interact with as female.

This is just no end of frustrating. If there was some way I could actually believe I was female when I presented that way... but the guy thoughts in my mind always betray me and make me uncomfortable when I'm trying to be female. I feel like I'm simply male in terms of gender identity, and can never legitimately be female. I just don't know what to do...

(bangs head against wall)

[Dena]

To play the game your way, why is it so important to be female? I think that's an indication that you might be more female than you think. In either case, it's not important to us that your identity be binary. If you want to do some things as a male and others as a female, that's acceptable if your happy.

[Drexy/Drex]

I have similier thoughts  too or had at the beginning , after a while.on low dose hrt
I felt better, but wanted to explore further so meds were upped , pleaseing body changes but  still tend to identify
with male side, its frustrating at times but it appears you cant rush this  but i feel an equilibrium between male and female now

[kokasaki]

Hello,
You keep talking about "lying" to everyone when presenting as female. I feel like if you have the

unexplained desire to see myself and be seen by others as female sometimes.

Than I would argue that you are female during those times. I have an "unexplained desire to see myself and be seen by others" as male sometimes and nonbinary others, so that makes me male sometimes and nonbinary others.
In the end, it's up to you what you identify with, and I think that you don't need to limit yourself if you do have that desire.

Dylan

[Cora]

So I'm comfortable being male, but I have long wished I could be female as well. However, upon presenting myself as female I don't feel any different and I have traditionally identified and still identify very strongly with male role models, and continue to perceive myself as male by default, even though I want to be female during those times.

My spouse as has always said to me, "Don't be upset about the transition, I'm still the same person." So the idea that you wouldn't feel any different when you present as female makes sense to me. Like, if my spouse transitions, he's not going to stop loving WWE and the wrestler Daniel Bryan. (And who doesn't love Daniel Bryan? Everyone loves Daniel Bryan! LOL)

[Sophia Sage]

I feel like when I look at myself, I don't see anything but a man. As much as I may wish to be able to be female at will, it's still nothing but dressing up and playing pretend. I don't see myself internally as a girl and my default thoughts of myself are as male...

This is just no end of frustrating. If there was some way I could actually believe I was female when I presented that way...

What does "to be able to be female" mean to you?

[Devlyn]

What does "to be able to be female" mean to you?

I'll go out on a limb and guess it means the same thing to Jamie as everyone else. You should be able to apply your view of what it means to be a woman to their situation.   

[Sophia Sage]

I'll go out on a limb and guess it means the same thing to Jamie as everyone else. You should be able to apply your view of what it means to be a woman to their situation.   

I don't think it means the same to everyone, that's why I asked.

To clarify, for some it means an internal feeling impossible to describe, for others it means seeing a particular kind of embodiment for one's self, or social recognition of such, what have you.  Being "able" might indicate a translation of one's memories, or even being able to hold on to a firm belief in spite of all evidence.

I wouldn't want to presume what it means for Jamie.  It sounds like seeing a particular kind of embodiment is what's in play here.

[Devlyn]

I don't think it means the same to everyone, that's why I asked.

To clarify, for some it means an internal feeling impossible to describe, for others it means seeing a particular kind of embodiment for one's self, or social recognition of such, what have you.  Being "able" might indicate a translation of one's memories, or even being able to hold on to a firm belief in spite of all evidence.

I wouldn't want to presume what it means for Jamie.  It sounds like seeing a particular kind of embodiment is what's in play here.

Thanks for clarifying, I was referring to the impossible to describe feeling, which by default is impossible to describe, and I assume that to be universal. We just know who we are. 

Hugs, Devlyn