So Confused!

[madison_b]

I've recently come out as a trans woman to the most important people in my life. Mostly, it went well. My girlfriend, not so much. She cannot carry on a relationship with a woman. I'm heartbroken about that. We've been together for four years, we're both in our late 30s, we each have kids from previous relationships who have gotten used to our union. It's really rough right now.

My confusion, however, comes from me questioning whether I am REALLY trans, or if I'm just a man who likes to dress like a girl and act like a girl sometimes. A lot depends on that question, because my partner might be able to deal with me not REALLY being a woman. If I was to start HRT though, or want to present more frequently, or out of the house, she couldn't deal.

I have felt pretty confident that I am a trans woman. But then second guess myself and think it's possible that I'm not. I have, sometimes, really liked the idea of having a female body, and starting HRT, etc. I'm not always thinking about it. I think, to ask the age-old question of if I could take a pill and magically be female, would I do it ... I think I would. But still, I have doubts. This is a major thing to embrace, and I will own it if it's real, but ...

How can I tell for sure if I'm trans, and not just a dude who likes getting pretty?

Thanks.

[Devlyn]

Deep reflection. There is no  other way. Most people don't have to grapple with their core identity,  but we do.

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

I have felt pretty confident that I am a trans woman.
...
I have, sometimes, really liked the idea of having a female body, and starting HRT, etc.
...
if I could take a pill and magically be female, would I do it ... I think I would.

These three statements are pretty indicative that you really are trans. 

The doubts don't mean a lot.  We all have doubts.  I've been on HRT for over a year, and full-time for nearly a year, and I still have "WTF am I doing?" moments.  But there is no doubt that I am really trans and that this was the right decision for me.

But this is something you should discuss with a gender therapist.

[madison_b]

Thanks, ladies. <3

I've got some real soul-searching to do. I've asked my partner if she and her boys can stay at her parents for the weekend, so I can really dig in and explore. Not sure how that will go over.

I appreciate your support.

[Denise]

These three statements are pretty indicative that you really are trans. 

The doubts don't mean a lot.  We all have doubts.  I've been on HRT for over a year, and full-time for nearly a year, and I still have "WTF am I doing?" moments.  But there is no doubt that I am really trans and that this was the right decision for me.

But this is something you should discuss with a gender therapist.

I wish you all the best.  Kathy Lauren, as usual, is spot on.  I suggest that you talk to a gender therapist and consider couples therapy. 

You may find a middle ground that both you and your GF can live with.  Also it doesn't hurt to talk and discuss things.

Good luck.



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[Sophia Sage]

How do you feel about being gendered female for the rest of your life?
How do you feel about being gendered male for the rest of your life?

Those are some questions to help you reflect.

[Jamina]

Time helps. So does talking. I found journalling helped a LOT. And it's really important to distinguish what you need from what your relationship needs; many of us get into relationships that, one way or another, allow us to stick a band-aid on our dysphoria and carry on with life.

My wife and I have a saying- don't contemplate the mountain. Gender identity stuff can be overwhelming but any actual changes tend to be really slow, and everything is one day at a time. It took me 18 months of one-day-at-a-time since coming out to her to get to where I am now (increasingly certain about transition.)

If it's all been happening in your private headspace for a long time you probably ended up with a lot of repeating thought patterns about it which seem like reality, but actually are just thoughts. These patterns tend to start to change when we expose them to sunlight, I think. You might find that being out to your GF and just giving everything time allows you to find a happy equilibrium; you might find that the urge to transition gets a lot more definite and, well, urgent; everyone's different.

Good luck anyway. You did the hardest thing. Keep being brave and keep being kind. =)

[krobinson103]

Take it one day at a time. Expect you SO to take just as long as you do to understand. She has built her current life around something you are about to take away. Be patient, be willing to compromise a little, and most of all try and have empathy for her.

The questions are natural. Turning your life upside down is not something to be take lightly expect it to be roller coaster ride. However, it is worth it.

[CallMeKatie]

How do you feel about being gendered female for the rest of your life?
How do you feel about being gendered male for the rest of your life?

Those are some questions to help you reflect.

Wow! This is it in a nutshell!

I'm pretty simple deep down and seek obvious answers.
This is the obvious answer.

How do I feel about being gendered female my life - I would be happy with that.
How do I feel about being gendered male my life - I would feel okay at best with that.

OP take notice, this is the key right here!

[Jayne01]

How can I tell for sure if I'm trans, and not just a dude who likes getting pretty?

That is a very good question with no easy answer. I remember asking that exact same question. I still don't know when or how I came to the conclusion that I am trans. It took a lot of therapy and soul searching. Bit by bit, things starting falling into place for me and now I am certain, beyond any doubt that I am trans.

I constantly have doubts entering my mind. It was only yesterday that I realised that these doubts are just my fears coming to the surface. The fear of losing family and work relations. The fear of not being able to fit in as a woman. And the biggest, most paralysing fear of all, losing my wife. I have misinterpreted these fears as doubts, because everything would be so much easier if I wasn't trans.

If you are not already doing so, I would highly recommend finding a gender therapist, someone who has experience in this field. They can help you get some clarity in your thinking.

It complicates matters when you are in an established relationship. Some people can make it work. Others cannot. It's a crappy situation to be in. Try and be patient with your partner. Your news has shattered her world. It will take time, hard work and lots of understanding from both of you.

Jayne

[Devlyn]

How do you feel about being gendered female for the rest of your life?
How do you feel about being gendered male for the rest of your life?

Those are some questions to help you reflect.

Wow! This is it in a nutshell!

I'm pretty simple deep down and seek obvious answers.
This is the obvious answer.

How do I feel about being gendered female my life - I would be happy with that.
How do I feel about being gendered male my life - I would feel okay at best with that.

OP take notice, this is the key right here!

It also makes it clear that a non-binary person is not going to be able to rely on external gendering and will have to develop the "I don't care what others think, I know who I am" mindset just to get through the day. It turns out to be a useful tool for anyone. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sophia Sage]

It also makes it clear that a non-binary person is not going to be able to rely on external gendering...

"How do you feel about being gendered only one way or the other for the rest of your life?"
"How do you feel about being gendered in mixed ways for the rest of your life?"

These would be the questions I'd suggest for anyone wondering if they're not on the binary.  And when I say "being gendered" I don't mean only by others, I mean by self and others.

...and will have to develop the "I don't care what others think, I know who I am" mindset just to get through the day. It turns out to be a useful tool for anyone.

Not for everyone. 

Not everyone has the ability to effectively suppress their emotions, especially the emotions of gender dysphoria.  I don't think we can help what we care about.  We can try to shield ourselves, like wearing armor, from uncomfortable emotions, and direct that negative energy to something more constructive, and that's all good.  But that still means walking around in armor all day.

If you tell people you're non-binary, doesn't that mean you really do care?  You want people to recognize this in you.  You prefer that social reality, and by "coming out" through narrative disclosure it's possible to experience some of that reality.  So if anything, I think the "I don't care what others think" philosophy is another kind of closet.