Today makes 8 months since starting MTF HRT! And now happens to be when I am really starting to finally see some amazing changes!
My boobs started noticeably growing the very first month believe it or not. I couldn't believe that! Definitely not complaining though!
But no other real changes were noticeable until just the past few weeks.
For one......my boobs are big enough now, that I feel very paranoid about going out without a bra on. But with a bra on, they stand up to the point where they most definitely do not look like a cismans chest anymore, so when I go out wearing a bra which is almost every day now, I feel like I should also have my wig on, because I literally have reached the point of feeling like a bald woman when I go out.
Therefore...I have started wearing hats during all of the time that I do not wear my wig.
I have found it to be a decent substitute for going out in public when I don't feel like going all out, or when I'm going somewhere that I don't feel comfortable going in girl mode. Which........pretty much the ONLY place that is now is our daughters school when I drop off and pick her up. But we have GOT to overcome that hurdle here real soon. At least two of the other moms there are facebook friends with me, so know I am trans since I am very open about it on my Facebook. But we haven't quite gotten to the point of talking to her school yet so they know to let our daughter go home with that strange manish looking woman
Speaking of our daughter........She is so amazing! Coming up on 6 years old in a few months. It is so nice that she totally "gets it". She and my wife regularly refer to me as "Momma" now. Even when I'm not wearing my hair or any makeup. And that is awesome! Awesome that she just understands that even when I look like a boy, I am a girl on the inside, and wear my hair and things to make me feel better about myself. She knows that I can't stand my bald head, so she tells me "You should wear your hair all the time then. If you want hear, you should just wear it everyday. Will you wear it everyday??? Please!?!?!?" Melts my heart! Wish so bad I could just live full time already!
She drew this picture yesterday and said "This is you Momma!"
This is very interesting that at 8 months, the shift has happened for me where I actually feel way more comfortable going out in girl mode than I do in boy mode. I think psychologically, I have managed to push the masculine nurture part of my past out the window far enough, that I have been feeling more and more like I truly am the female now that I always knew I was on the inside. I mean.......I am obviously still pre-op, and still have a LOT of HRT changes to come. I am still so early out. But it is amazing to me that this 8 month mark seems to really be a huge turning point for me where huge changes are really happening for me.
I still feel like my endo has my estradiol levels a little lower than what they should be. She seems to think that 102pgml is perfectly okay. I feel like they should atleast be up in the normal female level. But......since amazing noticeable changes are happening, I guess it's still working.
My dysphoria has become tremendously worse here recently as well. My wife said "But I thought dysphoria was supposed to get better the further along you go!" But the problem is, along with my feeling more and more female, comes an increased hatred of my "male" features such as that nasty dangler between my legs that cannot possibly be removed soon enough!
I have been going out in girl mode WAY more frequently now. We have gained quite a few new trans/queer friendly friends here that we've been spending time with. Some of them have pretty much only been around me in girl mode. And it is so awesome to have them just talk to me like normal, and look me in the eyes and not be weird at all. I love it!
So I have one wig that I absolutely love, that my wife bought me back in November for my birthday. I love the color, and style and things, but it was a $400 wig, and I am always worried about something happening to it. However, I HATE HATE HATE to take it off even when at home, or to go to bed.
So........I wanted another one that didn't necessarily have to be such a nice expensive one and look as good. So I bought a second, much much cheaper wig just so I don't have to be bald when at home and when doing things I don't want to risk my nice wig doing. But I actually think this one looks pretty good as well.
Anyway.....so yes. I'm doing very good!
My laser hair removal on my face is going really good. I've had 7 treatments so far, but now there seem to be a lot of light colored hairs that are most likely going to need electrolysis. But hopefully more of the hair will go away with further laser treatments and then once I reach the suggested 10 treatments, I will then contact my insurance and let them know that the laser is no longer working, and they said they would then pay for electrolysis.
As for my voice.........I have been watching a LOT of feminine voice videos. My insurance has already told me no way in hell will they pay for VFS. But sadly I have a fairly low voice, that I am having a really hard time bringing it up to a more feminine sounding level without sounding really weird. Need lots more practice, and maybe I should look into taking my insurance up on their offer to pay for vocal therapy.
For the past couple years I have been wearing strictly women's clothing, but they have been clothes that I felt okay wearing in boy mode. But now that I have started going out more with my hair and makeup on, and actually feel "pretty" I have been acquiring more skirts and dresses that I have been wearing as well. I also love the casual mom on the go look too though with a simple t shirt and jeans and a few things to bring out the feminine together with my hair and makeup. So I have figure out how to feel good no matter what the situation. Adjusting my style for different events and locations that I would go. It is so much fun! I literally feel like a young teenage girl that is just coming into her body and discovering her beauty, and wanting to explore new outfits and things.
It's easy to ask myself "Am I moving too fast? Should I give the HRT more time before going out making myself look like an idiot?" But my conclusion has been that what makes a person happy is what matters the most. I am done dressing for other peoples expectations. If I can feel good about dressing as myself, then that is what is most important.
