Explaining Non-Binary Identity to People that Don't Understand

[TrashGoblin]

Hey, Trashgoblin here ! This is my first thread, but I think it's a super important one.
How do you explain your non-binary identity to people who don't understand that gender is more than just a binary? I know a lot of trans and non binary folx have trouble with this. I've personally been having trouble explaining my identity to my Grandparents and to a slightly lesser degree, my parents. First of all, I think a lot of people don't understand they/them/theirs pronouns. How have you explained them in a way that was understood? How have you explained that someone can be non binary, transition partially or fully (by binary trans* standards/expectations), and still identify as non binary? (in example, I am afab and am on testosterone and hope for top surgery but not bottom surgery. I also use they/them.) How would or how have you explained the intricacies of pronouns, transitioning or choosing not to transition, and gender identity? How do you explain dysphoria? How do you explain to your grandparents that they have not lost a granddaughter/grandson, they haven't lost anything but a label? I've been out for almost 7 years now and I still struggle with all of this, so I was hoping a thread for addressing these kinds of questions, especially within the Non binary community, might be helpful. Especially because if I'm still conquering these issues after coming out seven years ago. I have the hope that this thread could be a helpful resource for people who aren't out or are out and still struggle with these things.

[Jessica]

Hi Trashgoblin!  Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.  I identify as non binary (NB) and am on mtf hrt.  I've explained NB as a sliding scale with end points undefined but there on each end.  One is all male the other female.  Everyone is situated on it some where.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself. 

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[Sno]

Hi, welcome to Susan's.

I'm sure a mod will be along shortly to present the welcome pack of links etc, but as this is one of the boards where I tend to be around, I thought I'd get my welcome in first

Ah, I see Jessica has dropped by

do you know PurpleWolf.? He has a knack of asking tough questions too.. and a lot of these questions would be best covered in a coming out letter for non-binary folk... and I'm not sure that we have one of those draughted up...

(Hugs)



Rowan

[Elis]

The only way I can think to describe it; is that I feel innately non binary the same way someone feels innately male or female. I'd ask a cis person why do they feel the way they do about their gender; ofc they wouldn't be able to answer; they just feel that way. Same as me feeling I'm nb. And I'd ask why do they like to be called by the pronouns they are; would they mind if I called them by the opposite gender pronouns. And ofc they wouldn't be happy with that.
As for transitioning I'd say that like with any medical condition there's people with a more mild form and people with a more serious form.  Some trans people hate their body and want to change everything and some can cope pretty well with their bodies but still feel discomfort within themselves.

[HappyMoni]

I do not in all honesty understand being non binary. My make up is highly binary. I would very much like to understand this better.
Moni

[Devlyn]

Moni, I'm assuming you did what you did because you know you're a woman, not a man.

For the non-binary, we do what we do because we know we're not either one.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sno]

Hi Moni,

It took me a while hon tbh to work out a framework to understand it, but, that helped me work out what labels best describe me.

We are all familiar with the sliding scale between male and female - but there are three other spectrums to deal with - sense of gender, from highly gendered to none; number of genders experienced, from poly gender, via single gender to none; and finally gender rigidity - fluid through to rigid

So for you, your gender is female, (one gender), rigid and highly gendered - a standard female configuration.
For me, however, my genders are neutrois and feminine (bi-gender), rigid and moderately gendered - a neutrois- demigirl a non binary configuration.
For Devlyn, from what I have seen, she is polygender, moderately gendered and gender fluid, meaning she is gender fluid a non binary configuration (and I'm sure that she'll correct my mistakes).

The non binary covers everything outside of the standard rigid male/female genders, and is actually quite easy to figure out, although the ideas can seem alien, until you've experienced them, they are really no different to the basic premis that gender is a spectrum.

I'm not sure that if this helps or not, it's what I came up with to try to understand myself a little.


(Hugs)

Rowan

[Devlyn]

I'd say you nailed my identity, no corrections required. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sno]

*blush*


Obviously know you too well...


Rowan

[Stevie]

 One of  my kids is non-binary and while I have no problem with "they them" pronouns it seems most of society thinks you are talking about more than one person when you do.

[kokasaki]

Hey TrashGoblin,
I used to explain to people using percentages, as in "I feel x% male and x% female" but as I learned more about the gender binary and how much I dislike it, I stopped doing that. I more explain it as a spectrum now.

Dylan

[HappyMoni]

Thank you for the explanations. It makes sense logically for sure. Emotionally, I don't understand but that is okay. I don't have to understand completely to accept you wonderful people for who you are.

[Devlyn]

The truth of the matter, Moni, is you don't know the non-binary secret handshake...so if we told you, we'd have to kill you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sno]

Moni,

It's the emotional part that is key to understanding that you are non-binary, you become aware, just as you did about your gender, that yours is solid and dependable, just not the one on the ticket issued by the hospital based on your sex. For us it can be solid and dependable, but in two directions, so for me, there are certain environments that my behaviour is predictably female. However (and this is why I'm NB), there are certain environments where I respond in a way that is atypical for both binary genders. As an example, I can quite literally sit as a translation machine between two married heterosexual partners, and interpret both ways. When that happens it's obvious to me that I fit in neither, because I observe both. That's as confusing as hell, but for some it doesn't happen often. Or for others it's very often, either way, you can be expressing as one gender, and in the main feel ok, but there will be something that is difficult to pin down that interferes with emotionally connecting and being exclusively just one gender. Until of course you hear about NB, the penny then drops, and you realise 'of course I felt off, in these situations I respond, engage or react like z gender' and the puzzle fits together.

For us, it is a puzzle that some work out, and others spend their life trying to work it out.

Does that ramble help.?

Rowan