I'm pretty sure that we are not supposed to address each other as Trannie.

[Laurel D]

I will rarely discuss interactions I have with my passengers, but this one confused me.  I had a trans female board my bus. I said hi to her. . She just looked at me and said nothing. ( Believe me, this is the normal reaction I get from other transwomen. So I didn't worry about it.)

When she gets off , she says ( or at least what I thought she said. ) So they let trannies out at ( our location. ). I didn't know how to respond to that. So I didn't.

Yesterday , another transwomen gets on my bus. I say hi. She also says nothing.  I finish my break. When I get back on my bus. She ask do I remember a conversation I had with ______. I said I don't remember.

Well apparently what she asked me was , "so do they let trannies work for ( my company.)" And that her boyfriend felt like I purposely ignored her. I said , I didn't understand her question. And that there a a few that work for ______. But I work for a contractor.

My question is, what should I have said. I was taken aback ,by being addressed as a trannie. ( That word had negative connotations . ) And not to mention, even if I heard the question correctly. I'm not sure how I would respond to it. To me , it's crossing a line into personal territory. So even though it's obvious on me ( I don't pass and I probably never will. ) Doesn't mean I would like to discuss those things at work.

Lastly .... I thought the we were not susposed to address each other in public anymore than you address anybody else. So I don't. Especially in the first woman's case. She was way more closer to passing, than I am. So it's not like I wanted to draw attention to her. But instead she drew it to me. ( More than it normally is.) And I reacted like a deer in the headlights.

Need help in how to handle this, because as a public transit driver,  I'm sure I will see a similar situation again, when people ask me personal questions.

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[Northern Star Girl]

@ Laurel D:  In my opinion you are very correct.   Addressing anyone, especially a transitioning person, as "Trannie" is not only rude, but also disgusting and demoralizing... and I considered it an outdated term that has long been out of use, particularly with the social changes in the last 10 to 20 years.

Unfortunately, working for a public company like you do there can be very little that you can change about how the passengers and customers treat you and address you.   Ignoring it could be your best option.

Now, on to an off the job, personal encounter with someone you can certainly discuss with them the way that they address you and talk to you...  and you can also walk away, saying nothing, still holding your head high.  Sometimes silence and not giving a response or reaction speaks louder and shouts louder than anything you could ever say.

So sorry this happened to you....  but you can not control others, you can only control how you respond.
I hope that your day got better.
Danielle

[Megan.]

Firstly,  if someone used that phrase to address me,  I'd simply and politely respond that I find it offensive and give them my preferred salutation.
Secondly... The great unwritten rules!... Yes it's tricky when we clock each other in public. I've seen others in public and really wanted to say hi,  but have kept quiet,  possibly at the cost of making a new friend. I've also posted here previously about another transwoman outing me in the middle of the doctors waiting room. We're not given a manual,  transwomen exist in every part of society,  and have very different social etiquette; sometimes that's going to collide!

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[Charlie Nicki]

I don't really use the word "->-bleeped-<-" in a serious manner but sometimes when making a joke about myself I would do it, in front of very close friends of course. I honestly would not care at all if another trans girl referred to both of us as "trannies", to me what matters is the intention not the word itself. Now if a cis person says it, then that's another story...

[virtualverny]

i sometimes call myself a ->-bleeped-<-, but never other people, because it's a slur and it makes people uncomfortable. it's never ok to call a person that without talking to them first. you have every right to be angry.

[Daisy Jane]

I sometimes refer to myself as a ->-bleeped-<-, and honestly wouldn't care if anyone else, cis or trans, referred to me as a ->-bleeped-<-. I would never refer to anyone else as ->-bleeped-<- unless I knew they are also comfortable with the term.

Also, I would never out someone publicly, but often times I feel like we know our own. I've seen so many pictures of trans people during the process that I unintentionally clock other trans people that cis people typically wouldn't recognize.

[Devlyn]

I sometimes refer to myself as a ->-bleeped-<-, and honestly wouldn't care if anyone else, cis or trans, referred to me as a ->-bleeped-<-. I would never refer to anyone else as ->-bleeped-<- unless I knew they are also comfortable with the term.

That's largely my take too.

Laurel, it sounds like she was referring to herself, not you. I wouldn't put a ton of thought into it either way. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[AnonyMs]

I know someone who does this and in her case I think it's a sign of her social group.

[Laurel D]

I don't really use the word "->-bleeped-<-" in a serious manner but sometimes when making a joke about myself I would do it, in front of very close friends of course. I honestly would not care at all if another trans girl referred to both of us as "trannies", to me what matters is the intention not the word itself. Now if a cis person says it, then that's another story...

That's the only time I  ever use it , as a joke about myself. And only with my closest of friends ( or my partner.) I would never use it at someone I didn't know.

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[Laurel D]

I'm not angry, just confused ?? I developed a thicker skin, since I started transitioning.

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[Laurel D]

@ Laurel D:  In my opinion you are very correct.   Addressing anyone, especially a transitioning person, as "Trannie" is not only rude, but also disgusting and demoralizing... and I considered it an outdated term that has long been out of use, particularly with the social changes in the last 10 to 20 years.

Unfortunately, working for a public company like you do there can be very little that you can change about how the passengers and customers treat you and address you.   Ignoring it could be your best option.

Now, on to an off the job, personal encounter with someone you can certainly discuss with them the way that they address you and talk to you...  and you can also walk away, saying nothing, still holding your head high.  Sometimes silence and not giving a response or reaction speaks louder and shouts louder than anything you could ever say.

So sorry this happened to you....  but you can not control others, you can only control how you respond.
I hope that your day got better.
Danielle

Thank you

I wasn't angry. I was just very confused, and didn't know what to do. Then I was even more confused when I found out that I offended her boyfriend, by not responding.

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[Laurel D]

That's largely my take too.

Laurel, it sounds like she was referring to herself, not you. I wouldn't put a ton of thought into it either way. 

Hugs, Devlyn

You could be right. But I would have no way of knowing that. That was part of the reason that I didn't know what to do.

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[Allison S]

Is her boyfriend a ->-bleeped-<- too? I don't get why he would be offended. Really, you're at work that's very different than a trans forum or somewhere similar. They're just a tag team with nothing better to do it seems. And here I thought focusing on transitioning is a pain in the behind on it's own

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[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you

I wasn't angry. I was just very confused, and didn't know what to do...

Laughing it off and smiling always works

[KathyLauren]

There were a couple of things wrong with that interaction. 

The word "->-bleeped-<-" is a lot like the "N" word, it is a word that should never be used when speaking to someone.  Like others, I occasionally use it to refer jokingly to myself, and only when I know the other person well.

Regardless of the word used, it is dangerous to "out" someone in public.  So it is very bed form to identify someone as trans in a public place, even if you are right.  A lot of trans folks are so lonely that they get excited when they meet another trans person and want to share too much.  In my support group, we teach new members that in their first session: outing someone in public is an offense for which one will get permanently banned from the group.

Someone who knows you should refer to you by your name.  A stranger reading your name tag should refer to you as "Ms. D", or "ma'am". 

But, having established that they behaved ignorantly, as a transit driver, you are in a bad position of having to take whatever crap passengers give you.  No doubt, your employer and your union have rules for how to deal with harassment by passengers.  Not knowing the rules, I would say that ignoring them was an appropriate response.

[sarah1972]

The word "->-bleeped-<-" is a lot like the "N" word, it is a word that should never be used when speaking to someone.  Like others, I occasionally use it to refer jokingly to myself, and only when I know the other person well.

Regardless of the word used, it is dangerous to "out" someone in public. 

I cannot agree more to these two statements. First you never out anyone in public. So the OP's passengers behavior was really a violation of that rule. I have seen many trans-folks and while I was sure they recognized me being trans as well, we left it at a typical "Hi, how are you" and went our way (e.g. in a breakfast room in a hotel). This is more I usually do before my second coffee and would have opened a door for the other person but it did not out her in any way.

And yes, I do jokingly refer to myself as "->-bleeped-<-" amongst friends. I am aware it is considered inappropriate but sometimes I do need exactly that term to get a point across (e.g. on a  recent work assignment "OMG the ->-bleeped-<- [referring to me] is the best dressed women in the office"). Again, the OP's passenger should have been a bit more careful about her language.

I Hope Lauren's employer has some policies how to deal with verbal harassment...

[Charlie Nicki]

And yes, I do jokingly refer to myself as "->-bleeped-<-" amongst friends. I am aware it is considered inappropriate but sometimes I do need exactly that term to get a point across (e.g. on a  recent work assignment "OMG the ->-bleeped-<- [referring to me] is the best dressed women in the office").

that is exactly how I use it. I have a self-deprecating sense of humor and the word fits perfectly. And your example is hilarious!

[Gertrude]

I'd ask them to repeat themselves as I was not sure I heard them right. Must be the class of people they come from.


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[I Am Jess]

Another loaded question that plagues the trans community.  Everyone agrees that it's use as a slur is wrong and hurtful.  Many of the older trans gals who have been out for years view it as a word of respect among themselves.  In fact it was a way of speaking to each other to show a sign of respect and admiration for each other.  Once it became a slur, the younger, newer individuals look at it as a hateful word.  I use it in conversations about myself and among some friends.  We will jokingly say things back and forth in a playful manner, much like the N word where AA's use it in conversations among themselves.  When it is used as a word of violence or used in the wrong place or at the wrong time it is extremely hurtful.  I've only been called one once, I was outside a club that was having trans night and a car load of young men yelled it (and a few other choice words) at me.  So much like many other things in the trans experience, it is very much a personal thing that each individual has to decide what is right for them.