Am I ready to come out?

[Hannah Samira]

Hiya everyone,

So I'll be honest, the past few days have been the most dysphoric of my life. I've never wanted to be female as much as I do right now. I've been fantasising about a future of being a woman, getting married as a woman, having a family as a woman. There's no way I can be in denial about it anymore, as much as I try to push it down I am transgender and I need to transition.

I need to do something, but I don't really know how. I am only out to my girlfriend, who is currently on a volunteer trip in Sri Lanka. She gets back in a few days and I'll get to see her for one night before she goes home. I really want to talk to her about it but I don't want to bring it up on our one night being together after so long. Plus I'm in the middle of a really busy and important time at university - its my final year, my exams are coming up and I have a ton of essays and presentations to prepare. I don't think I could handle fighting/splitting up right now, but at the same time my dysphoria is getting worse every day.

And then there's my friends and family. My friends will likely be supportive but I know my family won't be (they are muslim and are openly transphobic). If I come out now I won't even be able to present as my preferred gender. Even if I was able I think I would be too scared right now anyway.

Basically the whole thing is a mess lol. I know I write basically this same post about once a year and you're all getting fed up of them, but its really getting me down. The other day I had my first ever big meltdown about being trans and it just confirmed to me that I need to be honest with myself and finally love myself.

I'm not at a point yet where I can independently live without the help of my family, but me and my girlfriend are getting serious. We both kinda knew there would be a chance I would transition, but we're slowly starting to think of a future together (with me as a male) and I don't want to throw that away, but at the same time I want to be happy with who I am. Essentially, I can't have my cake and eat it - I can either be happy with her but be sad I'm not female, or I can be happy I'm female but be sad I'm not with her.

Sorry for venting like this, I just wanted to hear people's opinions and maybe hear from people who have had similar problems.

What should I do? Where do I go from here?

[KathyLauren]

I can either be happy with her but be sad I'm not female, or I can be happy I'm female but be sad I'm not with her.

Or, perhaps, you can be happy as a female AND be with her.  Until you have that talk, whether it happens in a few days or later, that is a possibility that you should not ignore.

Non-transitioning may be an option for those whose dysphoria is stable.  But yours is increasing over time.  It won't stop increasing, so you need to transition, and the only variables are when and how fast.

It sounds like you are still dependent on your family, and also that they will likely oppose you when you do decide to transition.  To me, that suggests that your priority should be to get independent as soon as possible.  And that, in turn, suggests that your current priority, in order to safeguard your transition, should be to complete your studies.  While it will no doubt be frustrating to hold off on transitioning right away, remember that the purpose is to have a more successful transition eventually.

You should review your plans with your therapist, but if I were in your position, my priorities would be:
1. Finish studies and graduate.
2. Find work to support yourself.
3. Proceed with your transition.

[Hannah Samira]

Or, perhaps, you can be happy as a female AND be with her.  Until you have that talk, whether it happens in a few days or later, that is a possibility that you should not ignore.

Not an option unfortunately. She's made it clear before that she can't be with me if I transition because she's not emotionally attracted to girls. She's still massively supporting and she still wants to be best friends, but I just don't know if I can handle throwing away the future we could have together.

While it will no doubt be frustrating to hold off on transitioning right away, remember that the purpose is to have a more successful transition eventually.

This is very true. I guess in my current dysphoric state I've become impatient.

Thank you for the advice and support Kathy! <3

[KathyLauren]

I just don't know if I can handle throwing away the future we could have together.

Hmm, you mean the future where you are crippled with ever-increasing dysphoria and a shadow of your former self because you gave up on transition for her?  How is that good for either of you?

[Hannah Samira]

Hmm, you mean the future where you are crippled with ever-increasing dysphoria and a shadow of your former self because you gave up on transition for her?  How is that good for either of you?

This is true It's just something I'll have to approach soon before we get ahead of ourselves. I want to have a life with her, but I don't want her to throw away her life waiting for me to make a decision.

[Another Nikki]

Kathy is correct.  Take it from someone who knew at your same age and life stage.  My dysphoria was present but manageable, and I thought i could manage it by compartmentalizing it.  It does not go away, it is likely to progress and it is likely to haunt you for the rest of your life, causing you regret and "what if" thoughts like the rest of us middle agers.

Some people are more flexible than others.  Some people grow attached, and with enough of a life together, can handle staying with a partner that transitions.  i have been with my wife for more than 25 years.  when i first started down the path of gender variance with her, she was not able to handle anything more than a little cross dressing.  transition would have been out of the question.  now we are ok and likely to survive my likely transition, but it's rare, and we have 25 years of a good life together.

if you both know she is only attracted to men, do the right thing for both of you and end it.  it's not fair to either of you to do otherwise.  not one is at fault, but it's just the way it is.  you will save both of you a ton of misery.

explore as a part timer in the closet from your peeps, finish school, find a job at a progressive employer with a pro lgbt policy, and meander down the path of cross gender exploration until you find the place that works for you.

[MariaMoore]

 I feel the same way, I just started a rough draft of a letter to my parents. My boyfriend who wasn't so lucky when he came out to his parents has bugged me about it for a month so I'm finally starting. I suppose these are my first few steps into my new life.

Hugs, Maria