New and very raw

[Emma1017]

wow, where to start...I am 62 years old and married for 37 years.  My wife is the love of my life.  She has lost every member of her family to cancer and we lost our oldest son to leukemia at 24 years of age four years ago.  As a testament to our relationship we are still together.

I have hidden my desire to be a female since at least 4 years of age.  My gender dysphoria has been exploding inside of me for the last 18 to 24 months.  I finally started to see a gender therapist two months ago.  I finally told my wife three weeks ago.

We are still in love and still together but she is in denial.  According to her I am just going through a "phase".

I am fighting a battle to suppress this that I don't want to lose.  I cannot hurt her and she deserves better! 

but I feel so lonely because I can't talk to my best friend  in the world to help me through this bottomless pain.

When I told her about my gender dysphoria she painfully cried "I can't lose you too".

We are in an emotional break right now and I am reaffirming to her that I am not going anywhere.

I am writing this sitting here in absolute pain.  I am not even sure why I am even writing this on this site but I have no where else to go to share this.  Even the therapist is only 45 minutes.  Its like one glass of wine when you feel like garbage...its not enough.

Sorry to dump.  This is all way beyond me.

[Jessica]

Hi Emma 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.  I'm 61 and married 37 years, close enough.  I too was afraid of losing the love of my life, but she has realized I am the same person she had always known and loved.  We are still together through this change.  Communication is the key.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Things that you should read

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[Northern Star Girl]

Hello Emma, So sorry about your problems mentioned in your posting.  There are many on here that can identify with you and can share helpful thoughts with you.  I see that you are new here and may have other questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
I would like to suggest that you go to the  Introductions forum that Jessica mentioned and introduce yourself to the Susan's community.  Also please look over the useful and informative LINKS posted at the end of Jessica's message.

I would like to personally WELCOME YOU to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transition and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. You might even find that you will make some new friends here.  Please come in and get involved at your own pace.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Emma.

Coming out to one's wife has to be about the hardest thing in the world to do, and it must be devastating to not feel supported.  It doesn't have to be that way: losing you is not inevitable.  Many of us have had the good fortune to have our wives remain with us.  Reassuring her that you are not going anywhere is probably the best thing you can do for her right now. 

If she can understand that, then it comes down to a choice for her: whether or not she is willing to stay married to you as a woman.  Some wives can do that, and some can't.

The two of you might want to see a therapist together to help you both adjust your relationship to this new development.  And I recommend a gender therapist for you, to help you work out what is the best course of action for you.

[Sinclair]

You are not alone. One of the great things about this community is that there are plenty of people your own age going through similar changes. Try and find some local support groups that you can be comfortable with and meet people in person. This has been a hard task for me, but I have not given up on finding people near me like me to talk to in person.

[Donna]

I came out to my wife in December. It was the hardest thing ever to do. She is the love of my life.
We are working thru the tough spots and we are both seeing separate counselors. I was already well on my way with herbals and the proper medication. Now estrogen as well. She is trying her best to understand and adapt. I'm giving her space and time to catch up. Every day is new and every day is hard but it needs to be. This is such a major move

[Nicole70]

Hi Emma, coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel your pain that she is in denial, from my own experience my wife initially stated if I transitioned she would leave me, I of course said that I wouldn't initially for fear of losing her, over time she has realised that if I didn't transition I would be living a lie and miserable, and now can't even remember suggesting she would leave.

I think the initial shock our wives feel takes time to settle. Give her time to come to terms with the news, when she asks questions be honest, understand she is probably scared, and wonders where her future lies, she may need to know you are not going to change who you are, and that you will still be there to love and support her, try not to blame her if she says horrible things to you, she probably doesn't mean it.

I hope things work out for you both
Hugs x

[Faith]

I can identify completely. It was ~4 months ago that I opened up to my wife. Shock doesn't begin to describe what hit her. I was lucky that she didn't go into full denial. I had to give her time to process and figure some things out on her own. Any question that she had I answered as fully and honestly as I knew how.

Now, acceptance is almost complete, yes we are still working some things out .. it's a huge change for both of us. She's still trying to understand, I doubt she ever will. Let's face it, who can really understand unless you're the one going through it? Acceptance is the goal.

What really helped was that she, rather than dwelling on the loss of 'her man', looked back over the years where my inner self poked through. She could start picking out the times that it happened and realized that they were the more positive times in our marriage.

Time and communication are your friends. Try very hard not to be confrontational when working out a balance. Confrontation leads to arguments which will help neither of you.

[D'Amalie]

So, here we are.  It is good to say that. Like many others I have been lurking for the longest time it seems. You are very much not alone. At this point in our journey we all share similar pain. Wives and children we love and don't want to loose, family that know of our trials and other family that we don't dare tell.  Work peers and managers the same.

We are dealers in half truths it seems.  I'm so torn between maintaining the status quo everyone else wants and calmly excepting what I am. There is no amount of therapy that can fully dilute the angst of dealing with daily half in and half out feelings.

I do my best not to get hung up on the external people since my wife is my most precious relationship I have, closely comingled with my children. Plain vanilla women like my wife try so hard to understand but just don't have the internalization experience to be fully accepting. She has the empathy to appreciate the situation yet remains unable to correlate, I believe she still thinks the whole situation is sexual. We all here know it is far from that. She accepts the underdressing, but is distressed when transition medications are mentioned. She would be happier if it all just went away. We are all of us complex, and all of us alike in that way.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Damalie!

I see that you are also new, so I would like to welcome you, too, to Susan's.  Thanks for jumping in.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy