Help??... me?.....?.

[mcdienalds]

Okay so, i've always struggled with gender identity issues, ever since i was about 12 or 13
Initially i thought i was genderfluid, because sometimes i liked feeling feminine and then masculine but then i just decided i was a girl and that was how it was going to be for the rest of my life and nothing will ever change it
and it's been like this for the past 3-4 years, i'd just continuously fluctuate between gender, not even just genderfluid but trans-masc identities too
what i've found being a girl is that i was more comfortable with my body (on a sexual level mostly) and a little bit more confident, but still feel like something was missing and i just couldn't put my finger on it and i'd just try and think about something else to avoid making myself upset
when i id'ed with more masculine identities, i personally felt more like myself. but i felt less confident about my body and how people would percieve me. i was scared i wouldn't find love this way and i felt ugly and wrong.
and today i feel like i'm more masculine. very frackin' ironically enough, i was crying really loudly because i didn't feel "pretty" so i'm having a hard time believing myself this time. but the thing about that is that after i was done crying is that i realized that i don't need to be pretty to be human. i can be whatever i want to be and that'll be enough. but i don't know what i am. i don't know what i should feel like. although i'm starting to think i'm nonbinary/trans masc like before for some unidentifiable reason. i think i feel more feminine when i'm in a sexual mood, or when i want attention. but when i'm masculine, i feel like it is more myself beyond sexuality (hope i'm wording that right)
i feel weird when people call me a boy, (i'm pretty adrogynous looking) however. not that i don't like it, it just feels strange and unusual for me. i know i'm going to get a lot of comments saying "you're definitely in the middle of the nb spectrum" but i just want to explore other possibilities besides that one thing, if you know what i mean? 🤷 also, no intent to sound rude, i'd like people not to give me gender recommendations or anything like that, but rather words of support or anything that could be helpful. thanks  💓

[SailorMars1994]

Welcome to Susan's! If I may ask how old are you and what was you assigned at birth? This will help me understand. I saw just keep at it , a therapist will be a blessing but don't be too hard on yourself. This is a marathon and not a sprint!

[KathyLauren]

I don't think anyone here is going to tell you what you are.  Only you can decide that.  You may indeed be non-binary or genderfluid, but what matters is that you are struggling to find your identity. 

To help you understand yourself better, you should see a gender therapist.  That's what they do: help people discover where they are on the gender spectrum and what they would like to do about it.

[mcdienalds]

i'm afab. also, i'm 16 and i don't think my mother, for the life of me, will get me a gender therapist. i've actually bought this up to her before and she said "don't mention this again" because she doesn't want to imagine me being any gender besides female. there's really not a lot of options. i would love to see a gender therapist, but i'd have to discuss that with my mom. which i am not willing to do. because we've already went through these things several times before and each time i ended up saying i'm comfortable being a girl and nothing else which turns out i was wrong and then it all comes back to this. it's really upsetting

[SailorMars1994]

Well you're 16 so you're not totally out of luck. I would suggest seeing a school councillor if, and only if they have a good reputation for transgender stuff. Also not sure where you live but there are lots of trans* support groups in most cities now that include teens. You may be able to find some great resources!

[Northern Star Girl]

Hello Mcdienalds, I see that you are new here and have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transition and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. You might even find that you will make some new friends here.  Please come in and get involved at your own pace.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

IMPORTANT INFO: 
@ Mcdienalds, OH, and because you age is 16 years and therefore a younger member PLEASE 
feel free to stop by the Youth Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Our members 18 years old or older post their introductions on the Introductions  Forum to tell the members about themselves.!

Thanks for coming to Susan's!!!
Danielle

[widdershins]

So, I'm an afab nb, and I used to believe I felt feminine when I was feeling sexual. I no longer believe that was I feel is really femininity. It's just that I'm 1) mainly attracted to men, and 2) a bottom. Both of those things tend to be equated to femininity in our society, which is where my confusion came from, but they aren't inherently feminine.

Maybe it's the same for you, maybe it's not. But since you asked for possibilities other than being in the middle of the gender spectrum, I'm throwing it out there.

[Lalese]

I learned something important after almost 3 years of living full-time, even at work, as female.

My personal experience is that for the first year, I was hell bent on learning how to be the ideal female; I do not regret this as it taught me so much. But, just like you, it felt as if something was missing. Though in my case, I was missing the point, so to speak.

It felt as if I was acting and in my head, if I want to be myself then I shouldn't have to "learn" how to be anything. All I needed to do was act naturally, but this time, without restraint or fear.

This is were I possibly make you and some other people angry. Transgender, asexual, bisexual, male, female, etc..., they are all trying to appeal to there selected term, whatever it may be, and it kinda upsets me because the whole point of these journeys is being yourself instead of appealing to a certain label.

So, My advice to you is; If you REALLY wanna know what you are, just act naturally without hesitation or regret. The best label in the world represents you 100% and it's your own name.

[Natsuki Kuga]

This may be the most unhelpful advice you'll receive, but I think you're already doing exactly the right thing. At sixteen, you're *supposed* to be wrestling with identity issues. It's a great age to do it.

Sometimes people have gender identity issues, sometimes other identity issues, but at least you're grappling with it, you realize it, and you're upfront about it. That's way better than most of us ever did.

A gender therapist might could help, but ultimately only you can know your truth, and you can only discover it through living your life and trying things out and listening closely to your feelings.

It can be frustrating. It can take a long time. It can be bumpy and uncomfortable. We make mistakes and turn down blind alleys and make utter fools of ourselves.

Not only that, but you'll have a different identity in your early 30s than you'll have in your late teens. Some of your truth will have stayed the same, but some of it won't. It's called "growing up." Happens to a lot of us. You seem like the kind of person who has the potential to do it when the right time comes.

I would simply propose that you keep at it. Keep wondering. Keep pondering. Keep asking. Keep growing.

You're getting closer by the day.

Good Luck