Letter to a former friend (Possible TW)

[Ceryliae]

A couple weeks ago I decided to come out to my best friend. It didn't go well. She said that her biblical beliefs conflicted with the lifestyle I'm choosing to live. I asked her if she could set those beliefs aside and support a friend, and she said she couldn't. I told her that I can't be friends with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am.

She was very respectful and wasn't mean or hurtful when she told me. I said I don't hold a grudge, but there's quite a bit that I do feel. I wrote this out, but I'm not sure if I'm going to send it to her or not.

There's a lot I've wanted to say to you, a lot I need to get off my chest. This is going to be long, but if you ever really cared about me, you'll take the time to read it. Or don't, it's not like I'll know. I don't care if you respond to me, that's not why I'm writing this. You told me that you still care about me as a person, and there's a part of me that really believes that. I don't think you realize just how much you affected me, so I'm going to tell you how I'm doing, and what effects your actions have had on me.

This has been the worst three weeks of my life. First, my world is turned upside down by the realization that I'm not comfortable being a man. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, when I confide in my best friend, she says she can't support my lifestyle.

I don't know if you knew that, but you were my best friend. I know that didn't go both ways, because you have a ton of friends. I don't make friends easily. I'm not easy to get along with, and people who are friendly with me don't typically stay very long before they get irritated by me. We weren't like that though, we got along great and had the same type of humor. I could talk about anything with you.

So I confide in my best friend about what's happening to me, and she tells me that she doesn't agree with my lifestyle. What does that even mean? Do you really think this is a choice? Transgender individuals have a greater chance of being raped, being attacked or even killed in a hate crime, and have an astronomical suicide rate. Transgender people are also looked down on, by people like you. Why would I choose that?

I didn't make this decision because I think it would be fun to be a woman, or because I got bored with being a man. I look in the mirror and I despise everything I see. Every bit of facial hair, my square jawline, my forehead. In the shower I look down and I hate myself. There's no other way forward for me except to transition.

Abandoning a friend in a difficult time because their circumstances are what you perceive to be sinful is a shameful thing to do. It's the complete opposite of what Jesus did. He welcomed the adulterer, the criminal, and the liar with open arms. He went to people shunned by society like lepers and showed them love and compassion. He didn't tell them that he couldn't support their lifestyle. Do you really believe that's what the Bible tells you to do?

Now if my best friend telling me she doesn't approve of the most difficult decision I've ever made in my entire life  wasn't bad enough, I also have to see you on a regular basis. I look at you when I see you at school, and I want to cry. Sometimes I do. I'm reminded of the friendship we had, and I get a rush of different feelings. I want to run up to you and tell you how much I've missed talking with you, and hanging out with you. I want to shout that this was all a misunderstanding, a bad joke. I'm also reminded that you think that I'm making a choice to be this way, and I'm filled with sadness.

I do miss you, so much. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having a gym buddy. I miss watching movies with you. I miss having someone to confide in. I miss hanging out. As much as I miss you, I can't be friends with someone who won't support me. That's what friends are for.

I honestly wish I had never met you. My life would be better right now. I wouldn't have gotten used to having a friend, or having someone who supports me. I would be more equipped to handle this on my own. Instead of being able to handle the loneliness, I'm crushed by it. This is the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sure I'm going to make it through to the other side.

To sum it all up, what I'm going through right now is the worst thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life. I could really use a friend to help me through it. I know nothing is going to change, because you abandoned your best friend when you found out she was a lesbian. If you had no problems abandoning your best friend, you definitely aren't losing any sleep over what you did to me.

If you made it this far, I guess you were telling the truth when you said you still care for me as a person. It doesn't really matter though, because I'm still alone.

Do you think I should send it?

[Northern Star Girl]

@ Ceryliae:   Without a doubt, one of a transitioning person's biggest hurdle is dealing with parents, family members and very close friends.   Right after my announcement of my transition plans to my parents and family members, none of them accepted my future life path and over 3 years later, even though I became a Full-Time female almost a year and a half ago it is still a guarded and stressful relationship... this last year they are finally calling my Danielle although under their breath I can hear their stress about it in their voices and facial expressions.  Several of my best friends have dropped off and we don't talk any more, they have disowned me I am certain!!

When I started Full-Time as a female I immediately quit my old job and then immediately relocated to another town, a very small town over 1000 miles away, here I started my own small business and deal daily with male and female clients, and I have also developed a group of new friends that accept me for who I now am.  I even have a group of 5 cis-female friends that I regularly go to the local gym with.  As far as I know, no one here has questioned me about being a trans-woman.   I am certain that sooner instead of later that someone will figure it out and because I am now in a very small town it will be all over town and everyone will know in a matter of days.   I am concerned how that will not only affect my business but also the many new friends that I have here....   BUT I will deal with it when it happens.

My first thought is for you to NOT send your letter.... you are not going to change your friend's mind about how she feels about your transition journey.  I would probably let her mull it over and perhaps she will write to you and if not then I would probably move on.

Of course you know the details of your relationship and you are going to make the decision for yourself... but if you do decide to send the letter I would suggest that you sit on it for a time, perhaps reading it out loud a few times, and maybe modifying it some.......  and perhaps decide to not send it at all.... or send it.  Entirely your decision.

Even if you were not transitioning, friends come and friends go... that is the nature of life and relationship.... where ever you end up in your transition journey you will make new friends, and good friends too.   It is the parents and family that are the biggest issue... there is an old saying that I think is most true....
"If life doesn't deal you enough problems you can always count on your own family"

I am wishing you well with all of this.   You are definitely not alone with this kind of problem.   Others here may share with you about their experiences.  I would think that just about every one here that is a transgender has most of the same issues.  There are a few fortunate ones that seem to have family members that accept them... and they are indeed very fortunate.

Best Wishes to  YOU... and please keep us updated.  Thanks for writing and getting this off of your chest.
Danielle
*** Note:  I do recall your Introduction Posting and personally Welcoming you to Susan's back on March 08......  I hope that you have found that this site has been helpful.

[Jessica]

I am so sorry that you have been treated so poorly by a friend who has used the excuse of faith to base their disapproval.  It so sad that some adhere to "if you aren't with me, your against me" instead of seeing the beauty in everyone's diversity.

I agree with Danielle that it is your choice whether you send your letter or not, but heed her thoughts on rereading and reflecting.  I feel a lot of hurt and pain in your letter, which your lost friend may realize or not already, and it may come across as impressing her guilt in the matter, rather than the loss of a friendship.

I hope you find the grace to forgive her.  She may have her own demons to deal with in her life that have steered her to this sad state of humanity.  But I agree she can't be in your life with her negativity, and it's better for you to let her go.

There is always the chance that her own reflection on her actions may awaken her to realize there is more joy in life without the hate.

Hugs, Jessica

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Ceryliae

I have managed to retain my best friend despite my Transgender feelings and now on HRT but would have been bitterly disappointed to have lost him. He and I are also Christian but of the "Born Again" type.

I think you should not take any immediate action but ponder for a few days and then consider sending a letter if you wish.

However I think if you do correspond or talk again (you will surely do the latter at some point), you should highlight 2 points:

1. You are not choosing to change your lifestyle. You are either exploring or perhaps finally becoming your true self. She may misunderstand (as many do) that what we do is a change of lifestyle and a choice. The present You which she is familiar with is false.

2. You are correct that Jesus did not shun or discriminate against the socially marginalized and your friend knows that. I would ask your friend for any biblical evidence/commentary that it is justified to shun transgender people or that what we may do - transition - is a sin. How could Jesus disapprove of a need to correct the imbalance of our mind and our body such that we may be happy and enjoy life and worship him more fully? I hope your friend is not relying on hearsay as her "evidence".

I hope you come to a decision after pondering and that you and your friend are ultimately able to reach an amicable solution.

Pamela