How did you break the fear of being ostracized?

[Katinthehat]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and apologies if I did not pick the right area to place it in. I'm still learning the layout of the forum.

A bit about me - I'm 29 MtF transgender who has had those feelings since as early as I can remember. I can remember "coming out" to my parents when I was 10 who being very conservative put me in a counselor who told me it was all in my head and I would grow out of it.. I fell into depression at that age and kept quiet, nobody cared and I felt unloved unless I was the "good boy" of the family.

Well I wish I could talk to that counselor again and give them a piece of my mind because those feelings have never left me. My depression only got worse. I went to drugs to ease the pain when I was a late teenager and thankfully my life moved away from that. But my feelings never changed, who I felt I was inside never changed. I was still me. Still looking at a inhuman shell in the mirror.

I used video games my entire life to escape reality, MMOs where my favorite and still something I enjoy. Where I could play a female avatar and imagine myself in the correct body. Food became something I used to fill that depressive hole and lack of care lead to being overweight.

Now at 29 I have a good job in IT but my depression has become crippling from the internal fight inside. I'm sick of trying to please other people like my family. But I desperately don't want to lose them in my life either. Nor do I want to disappoint them but I feel dead inside.

I've wanted to transition since I was so young, and I thought about doing it when I moved out at 22. But then came fears.. Fears of losing my family, friends, not having a career, not passing, being an ugly outcast, homeless, destitute, and left for dead, or never having a real relationship with another person because of who I am.

But I still in me have these desires and I'm so sick of feeling this way. I decided to tell myself If I could drop the weight I'd transition.  Something in me clicked, I started being happy, I started exercising, I started dieting and eating very lean and healthy. I've gone from 330 pounds to 260ish (70~ pounds and counting) in little under seven months. And I'm not stopping, I want to be the person I feel inside.  I even bought a voice feminzation training program and have been practicing every day.. My voice can be raised to a much higher pitch/tone to a level I think is passable.

But... Those fears are still there.. The what ifs, the It's too late in your life to transition and be passable. Fear of losing my mom & dad, fear of losing my job and being on the street etc etc.

How did you break those fears? What did you do? How did it work out?

I'm scared, worried, sad, and afraid of being abandoned.

Anyway rant over, thanks!
Katinthehat

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of us reach the point in our life were taking no action is worst that facing our fears and overcoming them. For some it's looking at our life and realizing our life hasn't been that great and it's possibly something better could be had. That doesn't mean it will be easy because it's not. There is a trick that helps. Instead of looking at it as a huge project, break it into baby steps. Facing many small tasks is much more doable that attempting everything at once. Read the post on the site and you will discover many who tell just one person or who make little changes at a time.

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[FinallyMichelle]

Hi Ms The Hat,

We don't know how this will work out for us when we go in. How will we look? Who knows, but if ffs is an option for you down the road then odds are if nature doesn't get it done, a good surgeon will. I started at 45 and I am 48 now, I am happy with my transition. I never expected to be beautiful anyway 🙃 but I pass from what I can tell and that's enough for me.

I can't say how your family will take it. I don't know of any way to predict that. As for your job though, IT seems to be a perfect fit for trans people. One of my very best friends is in IT and she hasn't had any problems at all.

The fear of abandonment is horrible, really, really horrible. I don't want to talk about my life so I don't know how to say what I want to say. This thing inside of us doesn't go away, not once it has taken hold. Okay, not how I want to go even though it is true.

Oops, posted instead of scrolling.

Being abandoned hurts and my whole life I would have traded anything to get my family back, done anything. Until now. Being the woman that I am now is more me, more real than even my wildest fantasies could have prepared me for, and this, me being this way and this happy, is worth it all.

The truth is I lost my family long ago to this, and lost most of my friends and job since starting to transition, but it has all been replaced. My life is better at this moment than the entire 48 years that came before.

But I do understand your fear, maybe as much as anyone ever has, I understand the fear of being alone. People say that being trans is a choice, no, the only choice is to face that fear or not.

Take care.

[FinallyMichelle]

Sorry about the editing. Stupid fat fingers! Grr!

😁

[Nikkimn]

I had many fears and doubts for a long time too. Eventually enough is enough and you just have to take the leap of faith. Have faith you'll be in a better position after transitioning than before. I honestly don't know anyone that has regretted transitioning or de-transitioned. If you have felt this way for as long as you can remember you aren't going to change it isn't going to get better. You are you. One thing I often think about is what I didn't transition and just went back to being a male and living my old life and the dread of going back to that boring, miserable, conflicted self identity makes my stomach turn. The thing you gotta ask yourself are you willing to live the rest of your life in regret or take a risk, roll the dice, see what happens.

Other thoughts, what's the worst that's going to happen making some changes? Start with the less permanent stuff and work your way up. See how you feel with each step. Savor the experience. I started just presenting as female at home every day. I felt like I was wrapping myself in a warm blanket every night. I looked forward to coming home and becoming Nicole.

Eventually I just added more and more things and everything has fallen into place. As far as the rest of the world. If anyone has a problem with you that's their problem. In my experience, most people are neutral or at least tolerant. People will surprise you and the ones that celebrate will you make the whole thing worth it.

I had an older lady today help me with shopping for a waist cincher for a new dress I bought for Easter and she was incredibly supportive and nice to me and patient and said I looked amazing. Made my entire day my face was beaming with smiles the rest of the day. I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. They far outweigh the few a-holes that stare or laugh when they see me.

[Donna]

So far it's been all positives. I have had offers to go shopping for cloths offers to go out to dinner.
These are from ladies that have known me for as long as 14 yrs.
I notice some of the guys ive known are spending a lot longer talking when they see me and I've had the door held open for me several time. Which was a very nice feeling

[Dani]

Kat,

Your story is very similar to many others here. You must first decide if transition is in your future. Then if you do decide to transition, it is much better to do it earlier than later. That way you can live an established life as your preferred gender.

I am a late transitioner, having transitioned in my 60's. I am now dealing with untangling all my past relationships and establishing new ones. Not everyone accepts me now. I cannot force them to accept my changes and I must live with the consequences of that non-acceptance. Fortunately, I am retired, so work issues are not a problem. There are many employers who do support transgender rights. The personal issues are another thing. While some people have spouses that are accepting, many do not. I assure you that late transition has many costs, financial is just one of them.

On the plus side, once you do transition and if you chose to live a stealth life, there should be no additional problems related to transitioning. If, on the other hand, you are open about being transgendered, then work and family issues must be worked out somehow, not always to your satisfaction. Too many people just do not accept us. We must deal with that one way or another. 

[Jessica_Rose]

' The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now.'  - Chinese proverb

Most of us have or had the same fears you mention. I strongly considered beginning my transition about 15 years ago, but I was afraid of how it would affect my family and I was convinced my parents would disown me. Eventually I realized the pain this had been causing me was also hurting the people I loved the most, my wife and daughters. I decided to change my path before I hurt myself or someone I loved. I realized that this decision could cost me everything, but my anger had reached the point where it was nearly uncontrollable and I knew I had to do something.

I began my transition last year at the youthful age of 54. Even though I was certain that I was going to make one ugly woman, I figured surgery was always an option. Every time a wall of fear got in the way I broke through it. I never considered myself to be brave, courageous, or fearless, but I am pretty stubborn! My old path was leading me deeper into darkness and it was no longer a viable option, so I had to forge ahead on the new path I had chosen.

How did it turn out? I feel extremely lucky. None of the fears I had came true. My wife and daughters still love me, my family accepts me, and all my friends are still my friends. All of my co-workers have been awesome (I am in IT at a large insurance company). All of my fears were just MY fears. Although many people were surprised they realized this had little on no direct impact on them, so they did not really care.

Even though I started later in life, I have been told by several people that I do pass. I still see my 'old' self when I look in the mirror, but then I smile. I know he is gone, and that I am now in charge of my life. A year ago I thought this was an impossible journey, but I started it anyway. I fully transitioned 11 months after I began, and I am happier now than I have been in decades. This is not the end of my journey, it is simply a new beginning.

My advice -- be stubborn. You know what you need to do, just stay on the path and work through or around anything that gets in your way. One more thing, start hair removal now!

I think these photos say it all. The one on the left was me in Feb 2017, the one on the right is from March 2018.

[Kylo]

Well, there are worse things than losing your job or your parents or your house. From the perspective of someone who has, things look different from the other side of the glass.

There are things to be done if you do happen to be ostracized. You can go somewhere else and start over where nobody knows you and get most of those things anew. You can have a second chance.

[Rumples]

I'm with Kylo here, you don't know how it'll turn out when you tell people.

If they do cut you off, just consider the moment you go full time is your second chance. Find somewhere nice and screw them, if that's how they want to behave.

It'll be fine. You'll see.

[Harley Quinn]

Some people come around to the idea easier than others.  Some people will never come around.  It's just a fact of life.  The one thing that I have noticed is that for every relationship that ends, a new one that is even stronger/deeper will take it's place.  You just have to be open to it.  I have had friendships end and new ones that are stronger develop.  There are no shortage of people that will love you for who you are.  Sometimes the old relationships just fizzle out as you outgrow them, and it makes room in your life for something better.  Those new friendships, family bonds, and working relationships will be stronger, because you can be the true you without fear and reservation. 

Regardless of how well you think that you can hide your "big secret", people around you will know that there's "something".  People will assume the worst (its human nature) when they pick up on your guarded secrets, and it will ruin many "would be" relationships.  Happy people live more successful lives, that's a fact. It is also a fact that people gravitate toward the confident, upbeat people.  If transition is what gets you to happinesses and confidence, then the rest will naturally follow.

What helped me most was coming to the realization that "I'm the foundation that my life is built on".

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Kat, and welcome!

The fears are normal; we have probably all had them.  I got past them by just going out and doing it: being myself.  I was in a city where few people know me.  I went out in the evening with some trans friends to a known safe nightclub, and then the next day, in daylight, by myself.  I knew I was physically pretty safe in those situations.  And, being somewhere where I was not known, if someone accosted me verbally, I could tell them where to go without risking a relationship.

That experience was a real eye-opener for me.  I realized just how few problems I was likely to have.  The subsequent reality has borne that out.

Don't worry about how well you might pass.  Everyone is different.  Being young (yes, 29 is young!), you have very good odds of responding well to estrogen.  I started HRT at 62, and I am amazed at how much I have changed in the year since then. 

[Shy]

I think when the fear of not being myself outweighed the fear of being myself. The thing that swung it for me was that people might actually like the real me, I might actually like the real me.... turns out I was correct on both accounts.

When I came out it was no longer an option, I couldn't carry on the way things were so one day I planted my white flag and just surrendered to the unknowable.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Katinthehat]

I just wanted to thank you all for your kindness and responses. It helps with the fears  and also encourages me to continue with what I'm doing.

It's a really strange ball of mess we're handed.. And sorting it out in my head is difficult Thank You all for sharing!

Katinthehat

[zirconia]

Hi, Kat

I can remember "coming out" to my parents when I was 10 who being very conservative put me in a counselor who told me it was all in my head and I would grow out of it.

You must have felt terrible. If he were uncertain, that may have been something to say to your parents, with qualification. His job was to listen and help you figure things out. Not to dictate or guess what would happen.

I used video games my entire life to escape reality, MMOs where my favorite and still something I enjoy. Where I could play a female avatar and imagine myself in the correct body. Food became something I used to fill that depressive hole and lack of care lead to being overweight.

Now at 29 I have a good job in IT but my depression has become crippling from the internal fight inside. I'm sick of trying to please other people like my family. But I desperately don't want to lose them in my life either. Nor do I want to disappoint them but I feel dead inside.

That route of escape and eating sound very common. I've thought about the subject lately, and am beginning to form some thoughts of connections—but that's another subject.

I've wanted to transition since I was so young, and I thought about doing it when I moved out at 22. But then came fears.. Fears of losing my family, friends, not having a career, not passing, being an ugly outcast, homeless, destitute, and left for dead, or never having a real relationship with another person because of who I am.

But I still in me have these desires and I'm so sick of feeling this way. I decided to tell myself If I could drop the weight I'd transition.  Something in me clicked, I started being happy, I started exercising, I started dieting and eating very lean and healthy. I've gone from 330 pounds to 260ish (70~ pounds and counting) in little under seven months. And I'm not stopping, I want to be the person I feel inside.  I even bought a voice feminzation training program and have been practicing every day.. My voice can be raised to a much higher pitch/tone to a level I think is passable.

Wow—well done! Seeing, feeling and hearing the changes must feel good. I'm glad for you.

But... Those fears are still there.. The what ifs, the It's too late in your life to transition and be passable. Fear of losing my mom & dad, fear of losing my job and being on the street etc etc.

How did you break those fears? What did you do? How did it work out?

Yes, I understand. Right now, while you can see the changes, you can't see the final result. It probably feels like striving for a goal whose nature you are unsure of.

At this point I doubt that any description of possible final results can reassure you—but what I can say for certain is that every step you take, every gram you lose and every advance you make with your voice will take you closer, and the changes you see will give you more confidence to go forward.

While I knew that others make the change at once, disregarding any incongruity because the pressure has become unbearable, I myself changed slowly. In fact I made no hard or fast decisions along the way. I eliminated my beard first, because I hated it. I grew my hair because I liked it long. I started wearing softer clothes because I liked them. I also gradually stopped trying to act masculine. The last part was probably the most important to me—it allowed me to accept the parts of myself that I'd learnt to in some part bury.

I'm scared, worried, sad, and afraid of being abandoned.

I understand that. Please don't be. Whether you transition or not, you are you because of what you are. If you are something else for the sake of others, what they see and associate with is not you, but a construct. People who don't accept the real you—whether that be male, female or something in between—never accepted what you are in any case.

Yes, we all do adapt our actions to gain acceptance and minimize discomfort to others, but if, say, a smoke hater disowns a friend for not being a non-smoker it only means that smoking or non-smoking is more important to him than all other characteristics of that person. This is much bigger. Where smoking is a choice, this is not. Having to pretend all of one's life is a torture cage that never goes away.

Everyone's circumstances differ, but just to tell my story, rather than worry about it I myself eventually left the choice of staying or not to my friends and associates—and happily most have stayed. I believe it may have helped that none of it occurred overnight. People don't really notice incremental change so by the time the cumulative difference was noticeable the present had become the new normal.

Thanks to Susan and her staff I'm sure you'll find this a safe place to discuss such matters. I hope it will be as much help to you as it has for many others.

[Donna]

As said above. I have really noticed that even if someone abandons you several more people will fill that void. My wife's son is one that refuses to accept me but we have gained so much support for several new people. He will come around eventually or not but I'm not going to be upset. He still talks to his mom and to me that more important.