Wife issues

[VickyS]

Hi all,

Just wanted to run this by you all.

My wife is been telling quite a few people about me being trans and I'm starting to panic.

So far (without my consent) she has told:  2 of our mutual friends, next door neighbour, her sister and a good friend of mine.  She's also threatened to tell her two grown up kids (who don't live with us) and my parents.
and shouted at the top of her voice through our bathroom window at me "it's not me who wants a <deleted> sex change"  We live in a terrace house so neighbours are VERY close to us!

I told her I was going to tell my dad on my own and she's insisting that she comes and is there when I tell him which makes me feel VERY uncomfortable.  She was sobbing and made me promise to tell him with her there to 'protect' me.  Confused at that.  Incidentally, my dad thinks I'm a heterosexual cis-male, so wrong on all counts. 

She wants me to seek help so that I can be back to 'normal'.  she gets frustrated whenever I see anyone and they tell me that I need to do what makes me happy or that it sounds like I'm transgender.  Even her sister has told her to get out of the relationship as if I'm booking electrolysis then it's pretty certain that I'm starting to transition. My wife wants to hold on until she's 'sure' that's what's happening.  I don't know what to do to convince her, but this denial from her fuels my denial monster which makes me question things and drives me into a depression.  Over the weekend I was lying in bed with her and I ended up curled up into a ball crying as I felt I could not go forward or back.  Dark thoughts have been creeping in too of an easy way out but after talking to my manager about it today, he has helped me try to get past those thoughts.

She has asked me if I love her and care about her which I said I do, but I told her I can't be a husband to her.  I can't perform sexually with her anymore - I tried and it was a horrific failure which made me feel more female than I ever have, I sat on the end of the bed crying and wanted to get rid of my penis so badly.  She also keeps wanting to cuddle and then puts her hand in inappropriate places and then gets angry if I wince or react.  It feels like sexual abuse sometimes and it's so horrible.

So I guess my question is, shall I let her go with me to come out to my dad or upset her, break a promise and go alone?  What would you do?

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[CallMeKatie]

I stopped reading at "threatened to tell" that is not how to treat a spouse even during difficulties.
If she hates the idea then you have to either compromise  or give in but her threatening to tell people is frankly just childish and awful

[Kendra]

Vicky, I am so sorry to hear about this.  First, a big hug. 

Others here may have better advice than I do on this, but I think there are three major things involved in your marriage if you don't have kids at home.  There is you, there is your wife, and there are the two of you with promises you made to each other.  By blatantly disclosing your personal medical condition to others she violated basic rules and expectations of any reasonable friendship (let alone marriage), and that information can't be put back in the bag once let out.  Any expectation of you reciprocating with politeness and promises to mutually decide who, where and when you decide to disclose were tossed out that bathroom window. 

Now having said that, you could still take the high road and invite her along as if nothing happened.  Frankly I wouldn't, but that's me and this is your future.  Where I would absolutely draw the line is with family members and true friends as they existed prior to marriage.  Your dad has known you a lot longer than she has, and he deserves a productive, fact-based conversation when and if you decide to do so.   

I imagine you may have considered meeting a counselor together with your wife, in addition to individual meetings for your needs.  If you have the resources to do so, I'd consider that urgently. 

It is wonderful your manager at work is being helpful and understanding, but sad your partner hasn't been able to make a similar effort. 

Kendra

[LaRell]

I am also married, and I feel like I have some experience in this area......   My wife is super incredibly loving and supportive of my and helps me pick out outfits and things and tells me that now she feels weird being around me in boy mode.    However..........this is not how it has always been.

  We have to realize what we are expecting of our significant others.  We are basically expecting them to help us to kill the person they fell in love with.  And this can be extremely hard on them.  Now... there are drastically differing ways a person can respond.  Your wife sounds to be responding very similarly to the ways my wife responded early on.  My wife would do the whole sitting next to me, and reaching over and rubbing my penis and looking sad and telling me how much she loves it and doesn't want it to go away.  Which was very triggering for me, because then it makes me realize that I am doing something that is so negatively affecting her.  And then the self doubt and sadness would creep in for me as well.  And I would find myself crying hopeless.  Feeling like there is no way in hell I could ever go back to being a guy, but faced with this very huge struggle of feeling like I can't go forward either.  And having her, where she could be my greatest support and help me through this, instead she was severely holding me back.

  She also was telling people about me which the way she did it, turned out to be okay.  Because she wasn't threatening to go around telling people she shouldn't like it sounds like your wife might have been doing.  Instead my wife was telling closer friends and certain family members who she already knew were LGBTQ friendly, and she got support and advice from them in return.  And it ended up being a VERY good thing for me in the long run.  Because her own sister, instead of telling her to leave me, her sister told her "Listen......this is something LaRell HAS to do.  You can't fight it.  You need to be there for her."  In fact the very first thing her sister did when she told her the news, was her sister said "Okay.....before we go any further, what pronouns does LaRell use right now?"  That was before I even started on HRT yet.  Thank heaven my wife has an enlightened sister, and thank heaven my wife is very progressive as well.  Because in just 8 months time, we went from my wife crying about losing our sex life and making me feel like I couldn't do this, to now being my greatest support and regularly posting pictures of her and I together on Facebook and saying how beautiful her lover girl is.  It is incredible and I am finally able to live as myself almost every day and feel very loved and supported rather than unsure of myself and feeling the need to not make her uncomfortable.  Like  said, now she says she is more uncomfortable being with me in "boy mode" which is amazing!!!

  If you and your wife stay together, and if you really love her, I know it can be extremely frustrating, but there can be hope.  It doesn't really sound to me like all is lost.  I feel like it sounds like she is struggling with this, and still questioning it a ton, and doesn't fully grasp the gravity of the situation yet.  Maybe if you can get her to watch some shows like Gender Revolution and others which humanize the experience and help to explain that it is not just a mindset, but an actual existence that cannot be changed.  And that she actually did fall in love with you as the gender you identify with because that is who you are and who you have always been.  You are not changing.  Only certain parts of you that she thought she knew are changing.  It's your job to kind of carefully help her to realize that, and to take your time and if you value her and her feelings, I know it can be extremely frustrating to want to move at your own pace.  The sad fact is, when you made the choice to marry her, you brought another persons life into the mix, and while it is very important to maintain your own boundaries and do what you need to for your own happiness, if you have a little patience with her, and compassion for her and the experience she is going through, and help her to navigate it with love, it's been my personal experience seeing other married trans people, and drawing off of my own experience, that if she is a good person, and really loves you, in time she will learn to love what she perceives as the "new you".  It's just not something we can expect our loved ones to immediately embrace.  And it can be so hard, because here we are feeling like it is absolutely vital to proceed with our transition, and it is for many of us.  The only reason many of us finally do it, is because we reach a point where we are willing to take on all of the hell that comes along with it, because it is worth it to us as we realize it is something we absolutely HAVE TO DO.  And therefore, if you just carefully let her know here and there how important this is to you and how much happier it makes you.  You may eventually experience what I am experiencing now, where your marriage actually becomes far better because you are able to access the more evolved, more reasonable female self.   It's amazing when it works out that way!  Everybody is different, but that has been my personal experience, and I like to hope somehow others can have a similar experience rather than a terrible painful divorce and fighting and hurt feelings and things.

  Good luck to you!  I wish you the best in figuring things out!  As for her coming when you tell your father......I don't know all of the dynamics involved there.  I could have seen my wife wanting the same thing had it gone down that way with me.  And at that time, I probably would have felt uncomfortable having her there with me.  Now, if we had it to do again, with her being as amazing of a loving supportive person to me, I would love to have her there holding my hand supporting me.  Don't know what exactly your wife's intentions or reasoning are.  Has she told people about you in a bad way, or was she desperate to find some compassion and understanding from people so she could feel better about the whole thing?   I know it can be really hard on you, but letting her process this whole thing in her own time can be tremendously beneficial later on.  Also......my wife needed regular reassurance from me as a woman that I still love and care about her, and that I'm not going anywhere.  I think that her knowing that, has gone a long way in making her feel secure and not associating my transition with her losing me, but rather associating it with gaining a much more enlightened, easier to get along with woman version of me in her life.  It's quite fascinating to watch the dynamics of these relationship issues and to use my own experience in an attempt to try to give advice to fellow trans sisters.  But like I said, I realize everyone is different.  What worked for us, might never work for you.  Or it could be just the thing you needed to make things good.  Take it with a grain of salt, and again, I wish you the best! 

  Over time

[krobinson103]

My wife started with denial, threatened to leave (She hasn't and its been six months). Then She moved onto saying I should be 'ashamed and embarrassed' at which point I cut her off and told her that I'm not and never will be and if She thinks so we are done right here and now. I understand her perspective but quite simply after 30 years of hiding it was death or transition and the family are better for me being alive.

Where will it go? I'm not sure stuff is getting better though the pace she wants makes me very impatient. You need to find a balanced compromise, or walk away from the relationship because you can't live your life for others forever. I'm full time now, though I do tone it down a bit when out with the family. However, the 'man' or more the travesty of a man is gone forever and he isn't coming back. That may cost me a 14 year relationship and maybe my kids but its still worth it to live free from self hatred.

Good luck! Its a hard road we walk but it is worth it in the end.

[KathyLauren]

We are basically expecting them to help us to kill the person they fell in love with. 

While I like your advice, I am not sure that this part is helpful, either to the trans person transitioning or to the spouse.

When I came out to my wife, I made it very clear from the very beginning (like, in the first minute of the conversation) that who I am was not changing.  I would remain the same person she fell in love with, with all the same thoughts, knowledge, abilities, and values that I always had.  I would just be changing some external bits, my clothes, and my name.  I am thankful that she saw that right away.

I think that she would have stayed with me anyway, but I am sure it helped to emphasize that I was not going away, either physically or internally.  I suppose it helped that my boy parts were not a major factor in her decision, she having lost interest in them a while back.  The person she married is still here, much happier now.  We are planning to re-dedicate our marriage later this year.

[Shambles]

Hun im going to give you two responses here as thats how much i care! i also want to pick you up and give you a big squeeze as it will be ok in the end, you helped me a lot on sat and now it's my turn to give back ok?...

So the more humors reply -

So you like the film cast away right? i mean who doesnt? its a classic and everyone loves tom hanks, your tom hanks all adrift and alone on this island... right now when you look out all you see it water to the horizon, there's nothing to reach for, your just trying to survive. Your wife is the island it'self. On the outside its peaceful, sunny and calm but its actually trying to kill you. You need rope well climb all the way up to that tree on the mountain.. but dont fall. You need shelter well you need to go into that dark cave and hope not to drown.. you get the picture. I'm wilson in this trying to keep you company, at the end of the day wilson can only listen not act. Tom needs the will power to carry on, to make it just one more day, then just one more, and one more after that until some day there wont be just water you can see. You see a way to safely, a boat to take you away from the island.... just one more day hun, keep saying it.

Now for the more sensible reply-

I know you and i know your situation, we talk alot... i wouldn't have said the reply above if i didnt think it would connect. You know, i mean really know the end goal, where you are going to be in say a year? you need to climb a mountain to get there though, i know this and you do too.. you said to me that Jo needs a chance right, its not the old me's body anymore it belongs to Jo now, well right back at you honey. Vicky needs to live, she needs to breath the air, smell the flowers, all that stuff. I am truly sorry what your going through right now, its not fair what shes doing to you and i know you must feel trapped in the house... just like me, Talk about this to your therapist when you see her next, im going to say reach out to the sis in law as well and explain the situation see if she can talk some scene into her. Your going to have a chat with the wife after the weekend, get armed, Know what YOU want and HOW you want it to end. Yes there's two people involved here but dam it Vicky dont let her get to you like this.. i could go on but that too negative and i want you to hear the positives.

It'll be ok in the end... i promise
i'm here for you .. ok? you know how to contact me
dont you dare forget about the beach either hun
Above all else... Joanne method ) break things down, imagine the best outcomes as well as the bad... how can you reach those best outcomes? what steps do you need to take?
you are not trapped even if it feels like it atm..... breathe

Everyone else here can offer you good practical advice, you know my situation i cant offer specifics as your further into the storm than i am but i can keep you safe. Imagine me writing that... what would your reply be? non judgmental, supportive and you'll know just what to say to cheer me up. Forget about the who's and the why's and the when's, how do you actually feel? break it down to the pure emotion, clear your head of all thoughts and breathe...

XX

[Rachel]

Hi Vicky,

Both of you deserve to be yourselves. If either can not deal with that then there is counselling.

This is not fair to your wife as I only know the situation from what you wrote. It sounds like your wife is very controlling and had acted out expressing her pain by telling others as well as other things. Her behavior is destructive to your marriage and very hurtful to you. I know there is another side but I am focusing on her actions.

What do you want to do. If your wife knows for sure you are transitioning will she leave? Will you transition no matter what?

Like I said you both deserve to be yourselves. The question is can she be with you if you transition and do you want to transition more than live with the dysphoria or more than your marriage?

I had to fully transition in order to end my dysphoria. Will your wife stay with you if you transition to the point it takes to end your dysphoria?

If you know the marriage will end then take appropriate precautions to protect yourself. Do not think all will end well if you push it a little at a time or agree to do limited things when you know you need to fully transition.

I recommend you stay firm and do not go back and fourth, it is not fair to her or yourself.

The both of you are dealing with a lot of pain and may want to seek marriage counselling sooner than later. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep your cool even if she does things that are out of line. Protect your self interests and hope is not a plan.

Good luck.

[Jamina]

Well, look on the bright side- at least you don't have to figure out how to come out to your neighbours.

It does sound like she has some boundary issues to say the least. It's not OK to out people without permission! And you definitely get to decide how & when to talk to your dad and if she gets to be there or not. No question.

There are two of you in the marriage, like in all marriages, and as others here have said you both have the right to self-expression and the right to be heard. And, there's give and take. But if she won't accept or respect boundaries that you set and are clear about there are issues with the relationship that would be hurting you both, trans or not.

It can be hard to see the other person's point of view sometimes. She sounds angry, which is not an unusual reaction from a spouse who discovers their partner is trans. I guess what I can't tell from your post is if this dynamic has been in play since you came out or predates that. If the former, then you can hope for time and love to heal it up. If the latter, you guys have work to do, part of which is working out if you both want to still be married. I've got my fingers crossed for you both.

[pamelatransuk]

It does sound like she has some boundary issues to say the least. It's not OK to out people without permission! And you definitely get to decide how & when to talk to your dad and if she gets to be there or not. No question.

Your wife has outed you in a vicious condescending way without your consent.

You therefore do not need her permission to accompany you to talk to your dad. I think she may wish to be there to try to make your dad oppose your transition. But your decision of course.

As regards the future, perhaps you and your wife need time to reflect as to whether to continue your relationship or not.

I am sorry you are going through troubling times and I feel for you.

Pamela

[VickyS]

Hi all,

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my posting.  Last night it got a bit worse and she seems to be in total denial.  Saying I have been reading about it and convincing myself.  Also things got very childish and she stormed out of the house at midnight so I had to get up and go find her.  Then when I convinced her to come in the house it was another hour before we went back to bed and then she was making lots of loud noises and slapping her feet on the floor and humming loudly to wake me so that I could not sleep.  Then at 4am it was arguing until she wanted me to cuddle her for about 30 mins until my alarm went off for me to get up for work.  This is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.  She is being very childish and extremely selfish.  I don't know what she thinks she's going to accomplish by being this way.  I told her the more she's being nasty to me, the more she will push me away.

I can't help how I feel, but I don't want to continue this marriage as I think it's too far gone now.  I just need a coping strategy and perhaps an exit strategy.

I will speak to my therapist about this, but I can't see her until next month. 

Then I get a phone call at work from my wife and she wants to help me and try to get through this.  She wants us to take a mini-break together.  One minute she's nice and the next she's vile.  I could deal with it easier if it was one or the other!

I have suggested taking her to see my therapist and she's dead against the idea, but today she says she wants to go with me to the GIC and also any other professional healthcare department to do with my 'problem'.

I suggested marriage guidance and she seems more open to that, so perhaps that's a road we will go down.  Trouble is, deep down I don't want to save the marriage and she does, but only if she can have the old me back.  I can't do that, not long term, the depression alone will kill me.  I was SO miserable.  I have had a glimpse of a possible future and I need it.

Again, thank you all so very much for your wise words.  There is so much life experience and knowledge on here it's truly mind-blowing.  Also, I love to read about your parallels and how similar things have been in your lives and how you have dealt with them.  You have all really helped me get some perspective on things today and for that I'm very grateful.  I admit I was in a very dark place this morning and not living anymore was an option that was growing in appeal, but that is reducing now.  Thank you all again for your compassion, understanding and love.  You are all amazing.

[Jamina]

You sound stronger than in your OP. Hang in there, Vicky.

Re the not living anymore thoughts (what the docs call 'suicidal ideation') please promise yourself you will get help urgently (Samaritans hotline or similar) if that keeps up. And remember, if you die, there's no more cake. (I know I'm sounding flippant, but I've been there, girl, and cake is your friend. You have to find the sweetness in life.)

Marriage guidance sounds like an excellent idea. Even if all that happens is that it eases the pain of the end of the relationship, that's got to be a good thing for you and for her and for the whole family. You did marry this person for a reason, though, and you never know, you might yet work it out.

[VickyS]

You sound stronger than in your OP. Hang in there, Vicky.

Re the not living anymore thoughts (what the docs call 'suicidal ideation') please promise yourself you will get help urgently (Samaritans hotline or similar) if that keeps up. And remember, if you die, there's no more cake. (I know I'm sounding flippant, but I've been there, girl, and cake is your friend. You have to find the sweetness in life.)

I do feel stronger than when I originally posted, thank you.  My wife has settled down a little so things are ok at present.  I can't do without cake.  Seriously, I love cake. I will remember that when I get low and go eat a whole cake to myself.  See you at weigh watchers?  lol

Marriage guidance sounds like an excellent idea. Even if all that happens is that it eases the pain of the end of the relationship, that's got to be a good thing for you and for her and for the whole family. You did marry this person for a reason, though, and you never know, you might yet work it out.

If I'm honest, I got together with her because I felt sorry for her and could not reject her as her previous marriage was over due to husband cheating.  She did the initial 'driving' for me.  Then after a while she asked me to marry her (on 29th February) and again I felt rejection would break her heart so I said yes and it's snowballed from there.  Yes it was a mistake and yes I am INCREDIBLY stupid. 

[Sophia Sage]

This may not be what you want to hear, Vicky, but this doesn't sound like a happy relationship for either of you.  It may be best to seek a divorce. 

[Chloe]

Wow Vicky. sorry your definitely in a pickle! My spouse knew about my issues before marriage but married me anyway and we're still together despite divorced 8 yrs now, have 2 grandbabies to boot.
I take it grown children are not yours really see no point in suffering such betrayal sounds like she'll only continue to make your life a living hell!
I've endured much verbal abuse over the years but it's always been in private can't imagine what those people are probably saying/ thinking about her!
Have you talked to those she "shared" with what do they say?

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